Raw

I've thought hard about whether to share this here or not.  But I'm a writer.  A purveyor of truths, both good and harsh.  And sometimes truths suck.

I expected to have a completely different type of post to write.  We were expecting baby #2 in early October.  It was shocking because we'd only begun trying when a couple weeks later 2 lines and jumping around with excitement.  Nora had a shirt made that said, "BIG SISTER." 

It did seem too easy, and I've been uneasy the whole time.  We told close friends and family.  I usually followed it up with I was only telling the people that could be there if it all went to hell. 

Monday's ultrasound (was it only just Monday?) didn't look good, too small.  Blood work twice this week with more scheduled with another ultrasound next.  I'll have to call and cancel that.  But today the tests were looked over and it's clear that there is no longer a baby, that they never developed.

We sat in the waiting room, the minutes ticking by, Nora running around with George, dancing to the radio.  And when it was all said and done the midwife said, "Any questions? Did you expect this?" because I sat there just nodding and working out a plan calm, collected.  I said, "Yes, we knew why we were coming in."  A plan makes me feel safer.  No more open ended questions.

My heart hurts.  And I could keep this quiet, but it'd feel like a big secret.  And I think miscarriages being so secretive actually do damage to the person keeping it in.  It feels like a denial of a life.  So here it is laid out.  We'd like another baby.  For whatever reason, this one wasn't meant to be.  And I'm sad.  Really sad. 

But I cannot fall to pieces.  I have a beautiful 15 month old who when she watches me sob leans up and kisses me (oh, but keeping it real also laughs her butt off at me).  I just have to get through this.  Waiting for it to be done will be the hard part. 

So if I post less it's because I'm hurting.  Or maybe I'll post more outings, I could end up handling it that way.  Time will tell and heal and all that jazz.