Monday, May 4, 2009

Trying to Breathe

G and I found out today that in August/September we will be heading to Maryland.  It's a small unit, so we don't really have a clue about what he will be doing.  My friend/his co-worker is trying to get ahold of someone she knows there to find out whether or not it is shift work, and if they deploy often.  

Right now I am just trying to breathe.  There has been a couple slammed doors as I try to just vent.  We didn't even have Maryland on our list.  For good reason, it's a huge base, and we knew we would get lost there.  The nearest big city, Baltimore is rated in the top 10 most dangerous cities in the country, so understandably, being stationed there scares the living daylights out of me.  

And I am trying really hard to stay calm and not panic or get whiny, but right now it's kinda hard.  I wanted us to settle down and finally have a home, not just a house where we both feel we're in a sort of limbo, waiting for real life to begin.  But another unfortunate fact is we won't be settling down into our own home anytime soon.  Housing is expensive in Maryland, and we haven't even been able to find a decent 3 bedroom apt.  The most promising so far are the 2 bedrooms.  And we're both ready to be in a stand alone place where we don't have neighbors who we want to murder at 3 in the morning because they're drunk and screaming or pounding up and down the stairs.

Which leads me to my biggest point of panic.  I want a baby sometime in the near future.  We actually had been hoping to start trying after we moved back and got settled in to our new home.  But right now, with everything so crazy, having to re-evaluate housing choices and plans, I am thinking I'll be lucky to be a mom before 30.  

The most frustrating thing is that I am mad at myself.  Mad at not listening to my instincts and marrying G.  Because as much as I love him, I have always hated the idea of military life (and the idea turned out to be nicer than the reality).  I don't like moving all the damn time, but I was assured that after being over here we would most likely get an assignment on our dream sheet.  And I feel like I have put my life on hold for 2 years, finding it difficult to make good friends over here, being very isolated, and now I am just ready to be able to breathe and make a house a home.  

We're hoping the job turns out to be okay, but the area will still suck.  So we're contacting someone about trying to get requested elsewhere.  Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts.


  1. 7 times in 2 years and we are moving again this summer. I sooooooo hear you. I still am waiting to be out of limbo and to feel settled. Let's keep breathing!!!! I send good thoughts.

  2. I feel for you. I'm sorry you did not get the location you wanted. However, can I offer this? I live 5 minutes away from probably the most dangerous city in the USA. It's not the end of the world. Although I seriously hate it at times, there are pockets of pure bliss and serenity and as long as you are not in the center of that city, it will be ok. Really it will. I'm the biggest worrier of anyone so if I can say that, it's true.

    Next, I read your blog because I feel like you are living your life really well. You're active, you take pleasure in every little thing and I admire that. I have never once thought you were putting your life on hold, in fact I come here sometimes for motivation to get off my rear and go out and do things.

    If you want to have a baby, have one. Don't let housing stop you. You can handle this, you've got a great personality for all of these changes you are going through and you seem to be able to find beauty everywhere you go.

    Breathe....and good luck!

  3. I totally understand where you are coming from - where we live is completely dependent on my partners job and we are currently waiting to hear where we will be NEXT MONTH! Bah.

    I hope it all works out well for you. I am a strong believer that somehow everything works out in the end.

    Sending good vibes your way!

  4. I am thinking of you. I want to say "when life hands you lemons, make a citron presse!" (I thought that more relevant for you than saying lemonade!), but perhaps it is to early for you to want to hear that?

    Look - slam the doors and get angry and get it out of your system, then hopefully you can sit down with G and work out how to make your dreams come true within the parameters of the cards you have been given.

    My younger sister once told me when I was facing (what I thought was) a bad time "life has a funny way of working out". At the time I didn't want to hear it, I just wanted the horrible thing to be corrected and go back to what I thought should happen and what I thought I was entitled too, so I could carry on with my life, unimpeded. But I had to work through it, and funnily enough, I look back now and she was right. Life has worked out - not exactly the way I planned, and not as easy as I wanted it to be or what I thought I was "owed" because I had done X, Y and Z, but it got me here to today, and I am happy - dare I say thrilled - to be where I am now in life.

    Goodluck. I am thinking of you.

  5. Hugs, Kalee!

    Maybe I can make you feel better. I've lived near Ft. Meade my whole life(I'm assuming that's where you're headed). My dad was permanently stationed there(he played in the Army Field Band). I actually really like this area, and though I live about 20 minutes from Baltimore, I've never lived in a violence-prone area. Baltimore is really not bad unless you are living IN the inner city. I promise! lol

    Also, when my husband and I had our first baby, we were living in a little one-bedroom basement apartment...and it was ok. It wasn't ideal, and it wasn't like the magazines and TV shows, but it all worked out fine. When baby#1 was 6 months old, we moved to a townhouse, and we lived there until we had three kids. It wasn't as fun as living in a free-standing house, but it was fine...we were fine, and our kids were fine.

    And on another bright side, if you come to MD, maybe we can meet each other! :D