Sunday, February 28, 2010

A New Beginning

Tomorrow, on March 1st, we begin anew in this household.  I was very upset with G today, and was on the phone with my maman.  She kept saying it was just a bump in the road and to remind myself of all the amazing things I love about my husband that I blog about on here.  I nearly hung up on her.  You see, of course I tell everyone he's amazing.  He is, really, just....not when he's not.  And I don't generally talk about that.  It's a married thing I suppose, that need to play nice in public.  But G called me out on it as well.  It's something we've talked about before, how everyone thinks I am overreacting when I am upset because I never tell anyone about the bad stuff.  I tend to avoid talking about it or gloss it over.  And honestly he doesn't like this any more than I do.  He feels like he has this great image to live up to, and he knows it has hurts our marriage because I expect it of him as well.  Only it never quite works out that way.  

So let's get real.  I've been married nearly 3 years and although I love G dearly and cannot imagine my life without him, at least once a month (okay, probably more like once a week) I've thought about leaving him. He's irresponsible, unthoughtful, makes promises and never keeps them, and doesn't take the time to make our marriage an important thing.  He put more effort into a class he hated than he does into our marriage.  That sounds harsh, but believe me, that's the nice version.  I'm not perfect either (oh boy do I have faults), and I do appreciate the things he does.  I am of the school that you need to praise when they've done good things they don't have to do, so I constantly thank him if he does the dishes or laundry, since I consider those my jobs.  And I ask him to tell me if he thinks there are things he would like me to do/not do.  I don't want to make it seem one sided.  

Except it kinda is.  A lot of the time we've been married I've felt like I'm the only one working on our marriage.  There have been times where I've felt like his mother, constantly reminding him to do things, sometimes even things to do with his job or scheduling that I cannot do for him.  I have felt like the worst thing.....a nag.  But I had to nag or things he had to do wouldn't get done.  And while I have faults, for the most part they affect me, not my marriage, except for how they up my frustration and exhaustion levels.  I've avoided talking about this not because I wanted people to think I was perfect, but because I didn't want people to think I was bitching too much, or for our families to think bad of him.  I don't believe in divorce, have always said that once married I wanted to stay married (with the exceptions of abuse, etc) so the past few years have had me sobbing on my knees trying to figure it out.  It's been 3 years of me crying and yelling and him apologizing and making promises.  Only those promises always fall through.  Always.  

So today we were at a crossroads.  I told him I loved him but that basically I need to love me more, and I deserve better than what I've been putting up with.  And that he deserves better than a nag of a wife who yells all the time.  I've given him ultimatums before, always allowing him to do just enough to squeeze by, and then it stops.  Suddenly he's forgetting things for weeks again.  Suddenly he's less forward with me.  Suddenly I feel hurt every day again.  So we came to the conclusion that I needed to number one, quit lying about him by omission on the blog and number two, keep track of things.  He has one month.  One month to make a miracle happen, or I'm taking a break.  It's been excruciatingly hard to write this, with me backtracking, re-wording, deleting, then re-typing.  But I am a firm believer that every person deserves to be treated with respect and to have their needs met.  And I need more, and I think so does he.  So Garret has one month, or as I put it to him, this Easter is going to signify a new life for me in more than one way.  Here's to hopefully a new beginning.  If you pray, please pray for us.  

*Because this is of such a sensitive nature, I am closing comments.  If you wish to contact me about this topic, please e-mail me ---  kaleemarie (at)  Thanks you.