Tuesday, June 7, 2011

These Things I Know For Sure

*This post was written weeks ago, and I meant to publish it then, but lost track of it (I write a lot that gets published a day or so later), and came across it today.  How appropriate. *

There are truths that we hold within us.  Truths we've always known.  Truths we discover along this path of life.  Truths we deny out of self-preservation.  Truths we deny out of pride.

I began this blog what feels like oh so very long ago.  As a way to remain faithful to myself, as I also discovered some of my own truths.  It has given me a voice, where too often I felt like I was shouting in an empty forest.  And it has given me strength as I met others like me, others who reminded me that we each have our own paths and "different" doesn't necessarily mean "not right."

Growing up, I felt awkward and unsure.  I allowed others to dictate who I was then and who I was to be.  I was easily influenced by family, friends, teachers, media.  In college I struggled with the fact that people knew me as a certain way that didn't ring true in my soul.  I allowed untruths to be shown as real.  Because I was afraid of being a disappointment.

I try to be completely me here.  I've felt, though, for the last year or two that perhaps I've been holding back a bit.  I allowed more people who knew me in real life to know of this place.  And while for some it's been fantastic-- I have friends from college who I've actually connected with more--I've also noticed that in my effort to allow people to get to know the real me, I've instead found more distance, more realization of how very different we are, and at times how unacceptable that can be seen as.

A truth I have acknowledged to G this week is that perhaps my longing for England is my longing for who I was able to be there.  Because we knew no one, there were no expectations upon me.  And a truth I recognize is the blessing I have in my husband, who accepts all of the truths of me.  He doesn't expect me to remain stagnant and ever changing.  England allowed me to become the woman I always feared would leave me abandoned by those I loved.  Moving back to the U.S. I tried to maintain that, and lost it somewhere along the way, with only random glimpses of that woman.  I found it oh to easy to slip into who I was used to being.

Enough.  Because this I know for sure: I am going to be a mother.  A scary, terrifying thing for myself, to suddenly have to be sure of who I am, so that my children are raised to always accept their own truths.  I have kept things to myself in an effort to not rock the boat.  I've danced with kindness, when firmness would have been better.  And I've accepted less than I deserve.  Less respect.  Less love.  Less support.

I don't blame those who have attempted to box me in, for I was right there, crawling into the space that made others more comfortable.  It's just that now I have to really take care of me, and my little family.  I can't worry what others think or might say.  We all hold our own truths, and our responsibility is to discover them and not run from them in fear, but instead to embrace all the things that make us individuals.  My truths do not reflect upon your own.  Who I am should not change who you are, me being me does not mean that you being yourself is done incorrectly.

We all have our path to wander down.  It's time I stop looking to other paths.


  1. This post really resonates with me. I tell people all the time that I'm so glad I left home as soon as I did (three days after I graduated high school) because being away from everyone that knew how I *was* allowed me to become the person I was meant to be.

    I told my sister that when she finally moved away from our hometown. It's hard to become who you are when everyone is telling you who you were. I am so very much different now than I was even 4 years ago and part of that is from moving around so much. I could discard the things I didn't like about myself and add in things I did.

    I finally dye my hair the LOUD colors I have always wanted to dye it. I never did that when my husband was active duty because I wanted to fit in better with the other wives. I finally said screw it a couple years ago and went weird colors. Now the people I know can't imagine me without my weird hair. Even my Lowes lady was a little upset when I tried out a normal color for a while due to peer pressure (pto moms are so cruel). Weird hair just suits me and I never ever would have done it if I'd stayed in one place.

    Anywho, I feel ya. I think I miss Japan for the same reasons you miss England. And while I try hard to do the things and make the choices that make me happy, I don't always tell people about them because I don't want to put up with their crap because my thing/choice is not what they would do.

  2. Kate- having known who you were and who you are now, I think you've grown and blossomed into a beautiful, strong woman. A woman I'm glad to call a best friend who still keeps in contact. I love you. Every part of you :D

    <3 T

  3. Amanda, I knew you would understand. Thank you.

    Theresa, I love you and am super proud to call you my best friend. I can't wait to see you!

  4. This is my favorite post you have ever written! I'm saving it to re-read over and over again. Well said.