I miscarried Monday and spent many hours this last week in and out of the hospital. Nora wasn't allowed with me for much of it, so we've been dealing with anxiety from her about being away from me. She's clingy, but I don't mind too much. She spends a lot of time nursing and leaning up to smooch me (she's a lover for sure), and I am taking it all in.
When it happened it was more shocking than I expected, and I howled from a place deep inside that I hope most people never reach. After, I scooped Nora up and cried. I'm sad. But I'm also finding true joy in the daily things. I know it sounds like a line of bullshit (and boy am I good at bullshitting to make myself seem fine when need be), but I really do feel at peace about it. It's sad, but it happened, and I can't dwell on it.
That being said, most people seem to want to know if we'll try again soon. And it feels so invasive to be asked that. The answer is that we don't know. We're still coming to terms with fear and loss. And it sometimes comes across like another pregnancy will fix everything. I don't like sweeping things under a rug like that.
What I can say is that life is indeed far more beautiful than most of us take the time to notice. We've done a picnic at the park, with Nora running off from us for 2 hours straight. I've done endless amounts of coffee. And tonight we went to a favorite French restaurant and just tried to relax (while dealing with said clingy toddler). Spring seems in the air, I feel inspired about food again, and long walks have been healing.
Thank you all for your kind words. I was trying so hard to present a "fine" front while feeling lost, and each word helped me deal with it a bit. I cannot express how much it means to have this outlet and to have gotten to know some amazing people. Thank you.