Saturday, March 16, 2013


I miscarried Monday and spent many hours this last week in and out of the hospital.  Nora wasn't allowed with me for much of it, so we've been dealing with anxiety from her about being away from me.  She's clingy, but I don't mind too much.  She spends a lot of time nursing and leaning up to smooch me (she's a lover for sure), and I am taking it all in.

When it happened it was more shocking than I expected, and I howled from a place deep inside that I hope most people never reach.  After, I scooped Nora up and cried.  I'm sad.  But I'm also finding true joy in the daily things.  I know it sounds like a line of bullshit (and boy am I good at bullshitting to make myself seem fine when need be), but I really do feel at peace about it.  It's sad, but it happened, and I can't dwell on it.

That being said, most people seem to want to know if we'll try again soon.  And it feels so invasive to be asked that.  The answer is that we don't know.  We're still coming to terms with fear and loss.  And it sometimes comes across like another pregnancy will fix everything.  I don't like sweeping things under a rug like that.

What I can say is that life is indeed far more beautiful than most of us take the time to notice.  We've done a picnic at the park, with Nora running off from us for 2 hours straight.  I've done endless amounts of coffee.  And tonight we went to a favorite French restaurant and just tried to relax (while dealing with said clingy toddler).  Spring seems in the air, I feel inspired about food again, and long walks have been healing.

Thank you all for your kind words.  I was trying so hard to present a "fine" front while feeling lost, and each word helped me deal with it a bit.  I cannot express how much it means to have this outlet and to have gotten to know some amazing people.  Thank you.


  1. Kate, I'm so sorry to hear that. I admire you for your strength for thinking anything positive at this point. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I know I work all those hours, but I could call out sick if you needed me. I hope your French dining experience was absolutely delightful.

  2. Thinking of you and people ask the dumbest things when you have a loss, I know from experience. Hugs.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Sometimes all you can do is just live one moment at a time to get through the heartbreakers of life.


  4. Some people are simply awkward in emotionally sensitive situations, and don't mean any harm or disrespect in asking certain questions. That said, you have every right to feel that particular questions are a bit intrusive, and to say, "well, I'd rather not talk about that", or, "it's none of your business".

    Life IS beautiful, and life will go on whether we feel ready or not.

    Thinking of you.

  5. So sorry you are going through this. Take time for yourself if you can, to grieve and to heal. Enjoy the extra snuggles of your clingy toddler, there's some comfort there for you too. Another pregnancy will never replace what you lost or lessen the mourning. People can be so insensitive even when they are trying to mean well. I hope you continue to find a peaceful place about such a hard thing.

  6. I find that people often do now know what to say. All I will say is: I am thinking of you and am here. Chicken and waffles are only a phone call away (it sound like the Annie song in my head...).

  7. Hugs to you Kate. Praying you can find rest and continue to enjoy the moment as you heal.

  8. So glad I found your blog! You have an amazing way of expressing the way I was feeling but couldn't find the words. :(
    hang in there, Katie. It sucks. Sucks bad.