Friday, March 1, 2013

Raw

I've thought hard about whether to share this here or not.  But I'm a writer.  A purveyor of truths, both good and harsh.  And sometimes truths suck.

I expected to have a completely different type of post to write.  We were expecting baby #2 in early October.  It was shocking because we'd only begun trying when a couple weeks later 2 lines and jumping around with excitement.  Nora had a shirt made that said, "BIG SISTER." 

It did seem too easy, and I've been uneasy the whole time.  We told close friends and family.  I usually followed it up with I was only telling the people that could be there if it all went to hell. 

Monday's ultrasound (was it only just Monday?) didn't look good, too small.  Blood work twice this week with more scheduled with another ultrasound next.  I'll have to call and cancel that.  But today the tests were looked over and it's clear that there is no longer a baby, that they never developed.

We sat in the waiting room, the minutes ticking by, Nora running around with George, dancing to the radio.  And when it was all said and done the midwife said, "Any questions? Did you expect this?" because I sat there just nodding and working out a plan calm, collected.  I said, "Yes, we knew why we were coming in."  A plan makes me feel safer.  No more open ended questions.

My heart hurts.  And I could keep this quiet, but it'd feel like a big secret.  And I think miscarriages being so secretive actually do damage to the person keeping it in.  It feels like a denial of a life.  So here it is laid out.  We'd like another baby.  For whatever reason, this one wasn't meant to be.  And I'm sad.  Really sad. 

But I cannot fall to pieces.  I have a beautiful 15 month old who when she watches me sob leans up and kisses me (oh, but keeping it real also laughs her butt off at me).  I just have to get through this.  Waiting for it to be done will be the hard part. 

So if I post less it's because I'm hurting.  Or maybe I'll post more outings, I could end up handling it that way.  Time will tell and heal and all that jazz. 

16 comments:

  1. Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry. I wish you had a happier post to write, too. I know your wonderful husband and daughter will help you get through this time, and I hope the pain eases a bit. Wishing you everything good.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you.

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  3. I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now, but this is my first time posting. My heart hurts for you and your husband at this news. Saying I'm sorry just doesn't feel adequate to your pain, but it is all I have to offer....well, that and prayers. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

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  4. My heart hurts for you. I love you guys! Please let me know if you need a shoulder, a laugh or some fried chicken and greens.

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  5. I am very sorry to hear this.

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  6. Oh no, Kate. I'm so sorry. If you need me, I'm here.

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  7. Awe hon. I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through it too with my second pregnancy and I know how disappointing and sad it can be. Big Hugs. Love you :)

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  8. I'm sorry about this Kate. Please know I'm thinking and holding you and your family in my prayers. Hugs to you!

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  9. That's so sad and I'm very sorry for your loss. I think it was very honest and brave of you to open up here, and hopefully you can find comfort in the words of your readers.

    Take care of yourself during this difficult time, and know we are all sending hugs and positive vibes.

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  10. I wish I had words of wisdom and solace for you but all I can do is say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. Thinking of you and sending a big hug your way.

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  11. I am so very sorry to hear this. Try to take extra good care of yourseld and your daughter while you greive. I will keep you in my daily prayers.

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  12. Honey, hugs oh so many hugs. Please you know where to find me if you need to talk.

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  13. So very sorry... I'm sure you hear that a lot, but what else is there to say. You are a strong woman, as you have proved many times over, and you are part of a strong family. You will get through this!

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  14. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find peace and healing. I hope that your daughter and your husband help balance the sadness, though the loss is still great.

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  15. Infrequent commenter coming out of the woodwork to say: so sorry for your loss. Take time for you, and take good care.

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