Monday, October 26, 2009

Let's Get Real

Marriage is hard.  Sometimes love isn't enough, you need a glass of wine to help.....or a 1960's Mad Men-esque glass of whiskey (small, but warms you).  Sometimes you need to vent, scream, throw your phone, somehow denting the side of your aluminum Mac.  Not that I know anyone like that.  

G has given me the go ahead with this part of the post (the second half is a surprise for him).  If you are his mother or sister, and you don't want to hear anything other than he's perfect, walk away.  I love my husband, he's been my best friend for so many years, and we've been together for 3 1/2 years.  But I realizes lately that the blogs that I enjoy the most are the ones where the people are straight up honest about how their relationships (with spouses, children, family and friends) work.  And G said he's had some concerns that because I didn't want an uproar, I've glossed over our life.  We're a real couple, we have real struggles, and I want to share that you don't always like the people in your life every second.

So let's get real.  Once again, marriage is hard.  It's a down right pain in the rear on some days, and hurtful emotionally on others.  I have a husband who cannot plan a date for the life of him.  At all.  Nada.  And yes I'm bitching about it, because I know other women have the same problem.  I don't know if it's a "I couldn't think of anything special" or a laziness issue (sometimes both), but it's brought me to the end of my rope.  I know that with G he gets complacent and that when he thinks about it, he tries to do something extraordinary (God love him) rather than simply take me out for a movie, or hell, cook Hamburger helper and set the table.  I am not asking for much, we don't even have to leave the house.  It's a work in progress.

Marriage changes relationships.  For the better, usually.  I have a lifetime confidant, partner, and someone who is going to eventually see my body go through hell to bring him children and he will love it even more for it.  But it can also make your sex life a nightmare.  There, I said it.  Because I used to feel like I was the only one out there frustrated with this particular problem.  It's kept hush hush, lemme tell ya.  Because we're human, and we're embarrassed that marriage doesn't equal perfection, and hot nights every night.  And it isn't just marriage, I know friends in long term relationships who deal with the same thing.  You get busy, you get tired, and you stop getting "busy" as often.  It's a struggle to remember that you enjoy it enough to drink a cup of coffee and stay awake.

And sometimes you get angry.  You get frustrated.  You get hurt.  I know friends who think G and I are the cutest damn thing, and "oh my God I want that".  Go ahead, want it (because we are stinking cute at times), but also realize that marriage is not the cure-all.  It's not like you walk down the aisle and step into some fairy tale.  It's hard.  If you don't argue, someone isn't speaking up, because I don't know 2 people who live together who get along all the time.  The key is to try (I said try) to argue fairly, to give each person a chance to speak their mind, and to want to work it out.  To know some nights you are going to go to bed mad (even though you try otherwise) but usually you'll wake up refreshed and ready to talk.  And communicate!  Talk about your problems, but also just talk to one another about the b.s., your day, something you saw on the news.  Don't let your relationship get stale.  Tell the person exactly why you love them so much.  

Which brings me to the surprise.  G, I love you.  I know that lately I seem so sad all the time.  I know that you feel lost, and you worry because I have a tendency to want to run as soon as things get tough.  I'm not as strong as I want to be.  But I love you.

Because you love me even at my ugliest.
Because while I'm learning on this gas stove you took the slightly burnt grilled cheese.
Because you come home excited to see me.
Because you tell silly stories that get bigger every time I hear them.  You must have been an amazing child, and will be an amazing old man telling "It was thiiiis big" stories.
Because you say some outrageous things that make me laugh so hard I think I'm going to pee my pants.  Even better that they are always random.
Because you look at the stars and see the science and yet still have wonder.
Because you have taken charge of our meal time prayers, and you pray for people we don't even know.
Because you keep all the names of the bloggers I like separate, and can keep up as I ramble about so and so's decorating idea, recipe, funny story, or just life.
Because you help me feel less helpless in this crazy city.
Because you don't see how amazing you are, you don't think you're as sexy as you are, and it makes you that much more charming.  
Because you look sexiest in button downs, black or white t-shirts, and henleys, and you just wear them cause they're comfy.
Because you draw patterns on my skin with your fingers connecting my freckles and you apparently have a fascination with a right triangle on each of my shoulders.  You love the tiniest specks of me!
Because even when I hate you I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, anywhere.

Okay, readers, maybe I'm being too personal, maybe I'm still holding back.  But this was the final frontier.  I've talked about eating disorders, weight, failures, and triumphs, anger and disappointments, but I avoided my marriage.  It's sacred.  But it's far from perfect.  Because we are all far from perfect.  We're human.  We fall down sometimes so hard we feel broken and aren't sure we can get back up.  But what makes my marriage work is that each person chooses the other.  To forgive.  To help up.  To hold.  To love.  And I take this over the fairy tales of my youth any day.  


  1. I love how honest you are - always. Thank you :-)

  2. What? Garret isn't perfect? Okay, I know that he might not be perfect, but the bad parts come from his dad, not me. Marriage does take a lot of work, but as long as both sides are doing their share, the good parts will always outweigh the bad. There can be disagreements without hurting each other. Fight fairly, and things will work out.

  3. Honesty and authenticiy are compelling and undeniable and your blog has both. My He-weasel is not perfect and sometimes he drives me perfectly crazy but I love him for his perfection imperfections.

  4. Always found it (marriage) rather easy. But we are weird.

  5. Thank you for that. I can relate to all that you said girl.