What Could Have Been

Four years ago today I popped champagne and ate bagels while getting my hair done.  I was that serene bride, I didn't really have any bridezilla moments, I was sure of what I was doing.  I got laced into a pretty, fluffy white dress and my daddy walked me down that aisle to the man who had loved me from the first time he saw me, the man I had loved a lot longer than I could admit.  And over the last four years I've remembered that naive girl and thought, "Oh, honey." 

Because marriage is not perfect.  Sometimes it's exactly like a movie.  There have been many moments G and I have joked that we really need a camera crew.  We are that romantic comedy.  And just like a good film, we've have the moments of strife, the anger, the tears, the abject loneliness of a spouse who feels a little lost.  But I didn't sign up for perfection.  It's highly overrated and makes for a cheesy film that no one wants to watch.  And since I plan to live a long time, I want the good, the bad, the crazy, and the joyful moments to look back on, replaying them in my mind.

I could have missed my chance again with him.  I could have chosen the wrong boy (there were several that summer vying for me).  I could have maintained a friendship that was straining with the "what ifs" that we'd let slip by already.  I could have watched him fly off to England.  I could have heard him tell me about another woman, a woman who was ready for him, a woman luckier than I.  I could have caught the bouquet at his wedding and realized a little too late that I had royally screwed up.

Instead, I won the lottery.  I finally saw what God meant every time he told me the guy I was praying for was already there.  And no, I don't always feel that way.  But the good outweighs the bad by a landslide.  I have never known anyone else like him, this man who is so complex is still amazes me.  Two months ago I left him a message on his private blog (that he keeps for updating family about Iraq).  I broke into his account, and surprised him with a post on our church anniversary.  Here's an excerpt from the end: 

"I miss the little things.  The goofy look you get when you're half asleep.  The way you shake your booty as you dance around the room.  The way you sing to me.  The way you always keep me company.  The creepy way you like to scare me by peeking over the shower while standing on the toilet while keeping me company!  The way you spend a lot of time staring at me or looking into my eyes.  The way I am most me when I am with you, and that I know you better than you know yourself (and vice versa). 

Oh, and I miss the big things like the nightly leg rubs, the trash being magically taken out, and not having to go up and down stairs 50 billion times a day.  But mainly I just miss you being here.  My safe place has always been with you.  I feel all out of sorts and I don't think that's gonna get better until you're curled up back here with me.  

I love you more than all the stars in all of the galaxies in all of the universe.  I love you more than every grain of sand, dirt and dust from here to Mars.  I love you more than all the drops of water, including all these tears.  You are the most amazing person I know.  Your big heart.  Your crinkly eyes.  Your q-tip head.  Your amazing ability to love even when it gets rough.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" 

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit.

 "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

You make me Real, my dear Bunny." 

So G, on our official anniversary, please know I have never been happier.  I am looking forward to being gathered up in your arms again in September.  And I am most definitely looking forward to spending the end of the year watching you try on your new role of Daddy.  You are the world to me.  Happy Anniversary.  Je t'aime.

Love Part 2 (mildly lengthy, but worth it)

My dear friend Miss Tracy Leigh once told me that her parents explained the birds and the bees by saying, "When two people love each other very much they share a special hug."  She was scarred by this and afraid of hugging people for a long while out of fear of having a baby. This story never fails to amuse me, so I thought I would share.  :)

I have anticipated this post for weeks.  In fact there have been several drafts which are being all sort of smooshed together here. Please excuse me if this post jumps all over the place.  In a week I will be celebrating 4 years of marriage.  So short, and yet as G and I say, "It's an entire high school or college education.....and it sure has been an education!"  I love that we are in such a good place.  I love that I'm trusting my husband with my heart again, and that I'm learning to let go a bit.  I love that someday our children are going to see what love is supposed to mean so that they in turn learn to love well.

Married love is remarkable in the ability to share a lifetime of special hugs.  It's kind of a great perk of the job (and one that I am, ahem, currently missing).  And sometimes it has remarkable results.  An exhaustion that cannot be explained.  A feeling that niggles at the mind, but is faced with denial.  A moment of reckoning when you realize that the saying, "tell God your plans and watch him laugh" is more than true.

I am writing this on April 7 even though you won't be seeing this until much later.  I want to record what it is I'm feeling right now.  I'm in awe mainly.  Our own little homegrown expression of God's amazing ability to at points allow us to see the big picture.  The bulimia that most likely is the cause of the cyst.  The cyst that pumped my body full of progesterone as it dissipated acting like a inborn fertility drug.  A schedule that caused me to not be taking meds like I normally would.  All leading to:

Photo is from yesterday, April 27, 2011

That, my friends, is my baby.  And suddenly all my weight loss plans and my "I don't know if now's the right time" thoughts just disappeared and all I could think was, "You and I are going to have a wild ride."  For those who'd like the math, ma petite escargot is due around Thanksgiving.  They're estimating the 24th of November.  G will be home at the beginning of the third trimester---just in time for daily foot rubs and lots of him running up and down the stairs for me! 

These past weeks I imagine I've not been the best blogger.  For days I've just been in awe and sort of not sure what to write, and while I hope that didn't continue too horribly I'm sure there were many delays.  I hope that you can now understand why.  We're thrilled, and I have certainly never felt more beautiful.  I'm going to be attempting to not focus on our little snail, but occasionally as we go along show you how I take my style from normal to poppin'!  And I'm really hoping that by now I'm able to eat things other than fruit, cheez-its and pickles, so that we can discuss eating in a healthy but still delicious way."

I obviously wrote that a bit ago.  So you see, my dear readers I haven't been exactly running myself ragged.  It's just that growing a person is somewhat of an exhausting task.  And the only way I could think to mask it was to let everyone think I was simply taking on too much. (and avoid spilling the beans that I sleep all. the. time.)

Telling G was the most amazing moment.  His shock and happiness were so audible we were in complete heaven.  And while technically we're still not out of the highest risk period, we've hated keeping it quiet, and yesterday I got to witness the baby actually moving about, kicking it's little legs (I didn't even know they were all that active this early!).  I am currently 10 weeks along, and though I wanted to wait until the end of this first tri-mester, both G and I have been busting at the seams to tell the world our good news.  Right around Thanksgiving this year we'll become a family of three.

Our cup runneth over.  And if this baby isn't the best representation of our love, I'm not sure what is. 

Love Part 1

My friends and I talk relationships a lot, as we all have had issues with our significant others at one point or another.  With new friends it can be that awkward moment.  Because what they've seen is this cute couple who is crazy about one another.  When a friend needed advice I was honest about the fact that we've had major issues before.  And when I was asked how bad it got I was bluntly honest to a point I seriously thought, "These girls are going to think I'm a super monster bitch and never want to hang out with me again."  Because where G has failed in following through on his words I have more than made up with choice words of my own.  (And throwing things, which I think I've finally learned is a bad idea when it results in laundry detergent sprayed all over the stairs and hallway.  Ahem.) 

The reality is, though, that we're in a good place.  We do fight occasionally and some days even with him halfway around the world I want to kill him.  But he's planning things for when he gets home (date nights!) and I'm continuing to apologize when I strike out with words.

Some people have been lucky and their love has been easy.  From what I have seen, that's a rarity.  Two people living together and going through life can be extremely messy.   But over time that becomes a beautiful mess as you learn where you need to change and where you need to learn acceptance.  It has been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I say the road to a long lasting marriage is paved with learning to forgive and try again.

My husband is an amazing man and probably the only person in the world who has seen my ugliest moments and still thinks I'm the most amazing woman he knows.  There is a deep love that is hard to explain to others, it is the foundation for why we keep trying.  It used to be that he was this lovesick guy who was crazy about me but I couldn't be bothered.  It still amuses me how crazy in love with him I still am, even when I'm super mad.  I think he holds the moon, basically.  And even when he messes up I keep going because I know in his heart he really wants to be better, but we all fall sometimes.

Love is a deeply complicated and all too simple thing.  And coming up on our 4th anniversary I can say for certain for the first time I have absolutely no doubts that I made the best decision of my life the day I chose this boy.  It's been a rough ride but one I'd do all over again. 

So Lucky

I have to admit that lately I've been feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.  G and I have been "dating."  What this has meant for us is that neither of us has been wearing our rings (though we've each worn them out to a few social occasions to keep from being grilled) and are acting like silly fools in love again.  You see, we never really "dated."  He came home from tech school, we spent a couple weeks together, then he proposed and flew out the next day to England.  I saw him for a long weekend that Christmas, he came home in May, and we got married 4 days later.  We were both sure we were doing the right thing, but looking back we both sometimes feel like we didn't do it the right way.  I've felt like we missed something from that time we could have dated, and G feels like he's lost when it comes to planning dates because he's never really had to.  But we've been working on that. 

We've been doing a ton of coffee dates, as well as actual dinner dates.  G's brought me flowers and hair pins (I had looked for them days before and he kept checking to surprise me with them).  He's been paying more attention to things I say and I've been biting my tongue and watching my words more.

And he's been cooking more!  The best part about this is that he's told me that he appreciates my cooking more.  I laughed and said, "It's not as easy as I make it look?"  He smiled and said, "No, not quite."  For soup the other night he roasted the chicken (his usual job) but then also picked all the meat off and after I broke the bones he made the stock.  He watched me make the noodles so that he can do it next time.  And he's been making his signature pasta dish (with broccoli, pesto, paper thin potatoes and chicken).  In fact, he downstairs doing that right now.

I lay curled up with him last night and I told him that this month is going to be amazing but that when it gets back it's going to be even better.  Clean slates.  We both agreed that after experiencing this relative peace and love lately that the last few years feel like such a waste.  Like we wasted precious time.  No more.  We're going to really start trying to do this right.  I can't wait to be like newlyweds again when he comes home to me! 

That's months off, so tonight I'm just enjoying that G is in charge of dinner.  Now it's my turn to wonder, who is going to make this dish once he's gone?  I've never been around him when he makes it!

4 a.m.

I'm a late night owl lately, eh?  The reality is time has been good to me.  I came home from the conference refreshed, ready to give it the old college try and be a better wife.  I won't say there haven't been arguments, we're still working out the kinks.  But the one thing that hit me at the conference even more than the infertility issues, and continues to hit me anytime I falter is how blessed I am to have G.  How much this man is trying to step outside his comfort zone and just love me in ways he didn't know how.  And in return I'm letting go, I'm falling in love with him all over again.  His stupid exaggerated stories that I know he'll some day tell our children as if he really did get lost in the woods and nearly starve to death before coming across civilization.  The way he bats his eyelashes at me and gives me the puppy look.  The way he's becoming a man and becoming comfortable in his own skin.  

I stopped expecting flowers, because the boy is a mess sometimes and will second guess himself into insanity.  Instead we went to the florist and I picked out 15 burgundy carnations that are gorgeous and make me happy and I don't care that he didn't pick them up for me.  I'm meeting him halfway, accepting there are simply some things he might not ever get good at (but I'm keeping my fingers crossed as his confidence grows).  

It's 4:40 and I am just filled with love.  We've spent the last 2 weeks learning to just express our love better.  More make-out sessions in the kitchen, more late night talks in the dark, more of what we had once so long ago neither of us can remember without it being hazy.  And he's asleep and I get to curl up around him and hold him like he always holds me and listen to him breathing.  Like he breathes the life into me.  And it's beautiful and it's scary because what on earth am I gonna do for 6 months by myself?  Start talking to the puppies?  

Okay, I do that already.

But whatever, cause time is good, and he's here and I'm here and we're following my mantra of "I only have today" (G's been repeating it like Rain Man).  My cup may be cracked and has been reglued a time or two, but believe me when I say it runneth over. 

Pumpkin Black Bean Soup

It's a Rachael Ray Recipe, which I normally would steer clear of.  Nothing against her, I am sure her recipes are fine.  But I tend to like the difficult way, rather than the simple.  I've had this recipe on file for a year, one my realtor passed on with the pumpkin muffins recipe.  We meant to make it last year, but it was a no go.  And tonight I'm not cooking.  Yes, you heard correctly.  In an effort to help G learn to cook I've begun a sink or swim method.  (and yes, I'm well aware we might die of food poisoning in the process.)  As in, he cooks and it either turns out good or it doesn't.  I taught him how to chop onions easily (with a big scary knife) tonight, and away he went.  I was so proud (or the tears might have been from the onion, who knows?). 

 All these ingredients for a little pot of soup. 

 Cooking onions in peanut oil.  Yum.

 Ready to eat!

That was last night.... Dinner turned out delicious!  Naan bread was brushed with melted butter and garlic powder as an accompaniment, and yogurt was drizzled on top with a sprig of cilantro.  G did quite well, and so did I.  Anytime he said "I think it might be ready to do.." I would respond with, "I'm sure you're right" or "You'll figure it out."  :)  We're cooking chicken tikka masala and saag paneer tonight to go with the soup, and it should be a fun time for us (with G unknowingly going to be doing a lot of it!).   

Making My Home A Warm Haven

Beginning next week, I will be participating in the Women Living Well Fall Challenge, "Making Your Home A Haven."  I am so excited to do this! 

G and I have been trying to be more intentional with our home and our time.  We've gotten into the habit of praying together in the mornings, and throughout the day as we feel it's necessary.  We're also slowly working on adding warm touches to our home to make it more inviting, not only to guests but for ourselves as well.  After all, there is no living person who will enter my home more important than my husband!

If you're interested in joining head on over and link up!

Mindful Monday

On The French Chic board on yahoo (a lovely group of tres chic ladies) I have been trying to help get the board more talkative, and this includes Mindful Mondays.  Today as I was getting ready to post this I realized that it would make a good post for here too!  It's simply what I'm doing to remain mindful about the life I like to lead.  Obviously different life choices would make different lists.  The point is to do things thoughtfully.

My mindful Monday is consisting of cleaning up our tiny little bathroom to make is a better working space.  I have vintage trays that hold products on a shelf, but looking at it I realized I don't really want products I use once in a blue moon taking up valuable shelf space.  So I will be re-organizing to make it only things I reach for often.  Same goes for my tray of make-up.  The occasional use items will get stored under the sink so I can easily find them, but not have them cluttering up our limited space. 

I'm also taking the time to do things for myself, beauty wise.  My toenails haven't been painted in over a month, and my eyebrows haven't been waxed in a year!  So I called a place that came highly recommended for my eyebrows, left a message and hopefully will get that done this week.  I will be getting out the polish after posting this (it can dry while I clean).  And it's Monday, so it's a good day for some pampering.  

I also of course was careful in my lunch, choosing some arugula, tuna, onion, tomato, and radishes for a salad drizzled with honey dijon dressing.  I sliced a piece of french bread, got out a bottle of pellegrino, and chose an apple from our massive bowl of apples.  I'm planning on going for espresso this evening with G and bringing a couple squares of dark chocolate to share.  

G dreads Mondays because of his return to work, but I'm hoping by working on looking nice and having the house nice for when he comes home he'll soon find sweet relief.  We got rid of our claw foot sofa yesterday so our sitting room is open and airy once again (and nice and tidy too), so hopefully he is able to leave work at work and begin to dread Mondays less.  Have you done anything purposefully today to make your life just a little bit nicer? 

How To Enjoy A Sunny Day

G got off at noon today, and we decided that real Mexican food was in order.  Headed to Fiesta Mexicana, grabbed their lunch special of a couple tacos (I had carnitas and spicy chicken, and G tried their chorizo) with a Mexi coke.  Sat and just enjoyed it.  The place had colorful banners hanging today and the owner and I got to talking about eating guacamole with a spoon, because really, chips just sort of get in the way sometimes.  Considered some tres leche cake and decided it was just too much.  

Headed for coffee at Carma's, always a good spot to listen to college students who are positive they know everything and think they live a sex and the city sort of life, or if it's the boys then they're "deep" and chat about "lofty" things.  It amuses me and makes me giggle, because I remember being those people!  Enjoyed the sunshine on our walk to the cafe, but ended up leaving after an hour or so because we were in the shade, the breeze was blowing and I was freezing.  Headed up to an upholstery place and sat and chatted with a guy who is the third generation to own the business.  He showed us a bunch of velvet fabric, took us on a tour of the whole place so we could see the materials he uses (he's very, very impressive and knowledgeable).  He said his goal is to make sure his reupholstering lasts for at least 25 years.  He strips the things down to the frame, examines that for new springs being needed, uses thick cotton instead of foam to rebuild the shape, it was fascinating really.  While I might call around to a couple different places, realistically he's going to end up being the guy to do all the work I need.  You have to trust a guy who gives you a tour and makes himself available on his personal phone at all times.  

Then up to Clementine's to see the lovely Allison and drink some wine.  I ate some mussels in a beer sauce with bacon and onions....nice, but I think I'll stick to my white wine mussels.  G tried a softshell crab that was delish, and we thoroughly enjoyed a place we haven't been to lately.  Headed up to a vineyard, bought some chocolate, some ice cream....no wine, but that's a whole other story that got the vineyard a letter about perhaps better business practices.  Then off we headed to a wine store (so sad, I was wanting to buy some local wine....nevermind, the chocolate lady gave me her card and told me to e-mail her, she's headed to a different vineyard tomorrow that she says is yummy).  G picked me up a bottle of Lillet as a surprise, and it's currently chilling in the fridge waiting to be enjoyed this weekend.  

Overall a lovely day, and this weekend promises to be evening more exciting.  We're hoping to go to an orchard and pick some apples.  I'm going to attempt an apple pie for a picnic next Friday and apparently I need lots of apples!  Hope everyone is greeting the weekend with a smile!

Flourishing Faith

This weekend was amazing.  We got so little done, so few things checked off a list.  But what we did get done was lots of snuggling time.  Lots of talking.  Lots of intimate moments, like a kiss on the back of my neck while cooking.

I cannot change the husband I have.  He is who he chooses to be, and while he's working on change I'm working on patience.  We both hear God asking more of us, and we're both reaching to achieve this.  But I cannot change him any more than he can change my impatient ways.  So we pray a lot.

We could pray so much more.  It's something we talked about last night.

I have tried so hard to go in both directions.  To lead and allow him to lead.  It's hard for me to be more submissive.  But I've been trying.  Encouraging him to make more decisions.  Encouraging him to make plans. 

And the thing I have found is that my faith is flourishing even in the dark moments.  Whereas before I would simply rejoice in the good moments and curse in the bad, I have found myself mentally hitting my knees a lot more in the bad times.  I have clung to our faith because it is the one certainty in our life.  I had a good cry this morning thinking about G leaving for 6 months next year.  And instead of just saying I feel selfish and weak since I know many others do without their spouses for longer, I made myself face that.  And I prayed for strength. 

I have walked a line, trying to not talk about my faith, trying to not not talk about it.  Because while it's a huge part of our day to day life I feel it's extremely personal to me.   It's also a personal choice for others, and I don't push my views.  But today I felt like singing aloud how nice it's been lately.  How at peace I've felt. 

Some Day

Some day we're going to own some land, and my hands will finally feel the earth in them as I break ground on a garden.  

Some day we'll keep bees for honey, goat's and a cow for milk, butter and cheese, and chickens for eggs.

Some day we'll have a few fruit trees, and I'll keep apples, plums, and hopefully figs fresh and canned year round.

Some day I'll have a flower garden, completely for cutting and keeping roses, hydrangea, hyacinth, peonies and tulips around my home.

Some day we'll have a pond for fishing, which we'll stock with all the catfish G can eat and more.

Some day I'll have a cellar, cool and ready to be filled.  Rows upon rows of shelves with food we grow ourselves.

Some day we'll have a stockpile of wood for a fireplace we gather round in the winter.

Some day each bed will have a quilt and there will be a pile of them in a chest.

Today we lay around dreaming aloud, talking of that day that hopefully isn't too far away.  My husband told me the other night that he never envisioned me wanting these things.  That I'm a city girl, through and through, he had thought.  But this city girl bleeds green, and the earth has always called to her.  So long as it's not too far from a city.....a woman needs to be able to buy wine!

On This Journey

G and I have been connecting more lately.  I will admit this came after a doozy of an argument.  He told me that that night was the first time in a long time he admitted to himself that he wasn't doing as much as he thought he was, and that he wasn't being the husband he wanted to be.  For me, this meant I couldn't be the wife I wanted to be.  I tried to just go with it, but it wasn't working.  But since then, we've both been making more effort.  

Last night at Barnes and Noble as we were leaving I spied a misplaced book called The Fantasy Book.  Flipping through it out of curiosity I was surprised to find it was a book for couples.  Now, with the title I assume you are thinking it's a dirty book, but it's not really.  Sure there are quite a few excerpts about sex, but it is a book that you leave for your partner, with the bookmark in the page you want them to read.  Some pages have envelopes, some just a task.  The first one in the book is "Write me a love letter."  The instruction page simply has the task at the top with this written underneath:

"If I were to find an envelope with my name written in your hand I would savor the weight and the touch of it and wonder what persuasive words lay inside."

Sexy, right?  Though the book has other tasks, and some just simply don't interest me, this was the first and the reason I thought it might be interesting.  We plan to photo copy the inserts for the envelope pages so we can do this more than just the once (since you write on the cards).  But I am excited for the possibility of love letters the way G and I used to write them.  While we were engaged we were on separate continents and even though we spoke nearly every day we wrote pages of love letters that we keep in our fireproof box.  I feel sorry for whomever tries to rob us and takes that since that's all that's really in there and I would hunt them down!

So this morning after the farmer's market we headed out to do some shopping.  We stopped at Marshall's and picked up some balsamic vinegar, some pesto, and 3 mason jars of dilly beans (pickled green beans that are delicious, if you like pickles).  We also snagged a couple leather 2011 planners (mine if purple, G's is smaller and black) that are the same brand sold at Barnes and Noble.  But our biggest acquisition was at TJMaxx, and is a wooden box that looks romantic that we thought would be great for a post box.....for each other.  We can leave love letters to one another as surprises!  What do you think?

My Rock, My Home

"I will never be a stranger.  I will never be alone.  Cause deep inside of me I know that wherever you are, is home."  -- Dave Barnes, Home

This is to G.  My rock.  The man who I am excited to watch grow from the boy I first knew into a man I am proud to be married to.  Slowly.  Baby steps.  But he's reaching and finding his ground.  We spent our quiet moments together this last weekend just being.  We spoke little, cherished many moments.  A stolen kiss in the kitchen.  A whispered conversation in the dark.  Dreams of the future and the here and now.  

And suddenly my heart feels different.  Suddenly I feel all grown up.  He's far from perfect and I'm far from a picnic to live with.  But here we are.  And I have never felt happier or more at peace.  Suddenly God's whispers to my heart make sense and I realize that the home I always wanted I've found in him, through Him.  And for the first time it's more than just words.  I'm home.  

I love you Bunny.  To Vega and back. 

Hmm

*I watched the first couple episodes of The Real World: New Orleans today during the horrific thunderstorm we had.  Hence the conversation.

Me:  I just want to boil some crawfish.  I want to suck their heads.

G:  You have a sadistic streak that I find surprisingly charming.  

I know, we need our own show.

Marriage Monday

I just wanted to share something.  Yes, G is the one who is having to do the most work on our marriage.  It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, he simply has the most growth to do in the relationship (and the counselor equates it to issues he has period, such as the fear of failure).  However, let me clear up that I have had to work on myself as well.  And it's been lovely.  That's not sarcasm, it really has been.  Our home is calmer, because though I do on occasion snap (I have a supreme lack of patience and when I say I need something I mean I wanted it 3 minutes ago before I'd even thought of it), instead of simply feeling guilty, I apologize quickly.  Sometimes it takes a minute or two to deal with whatever caused me to snap, but within about 5 minutes I've apologized.  It has freed me from guilt, and it has let G know that I do realize when I've snapped unnecessarily. 

I've also been a happier wife because G has been making effort.  And in response, I have made more effort.  Instead of vegging out in front of the t.v. last night I made pancakes for us to heat up this week for breakfasts.  I mixed up some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies (from a jar mix my parents church gave us last time we visited) and stayed up to make them.  G loves oatmeal cookies and I thought it would be a nice, simple treat for him this week.  I've been more complimentary to G and made sure to put down something to listen to him when he wants to chat.  On the other side, he's began to try and pay attention to when I'm in the middle of something (like typing, where if I lose my train of thought I get a bit pissy), and wait until I've stopped.  It's been give and take.

And something that I have always needed to do but been reluctant to do is ask G to help out.  When I'm cooking he generally is helping clean up as I go.  But sometimes, like last night, there isn't much to do (I was using the bowl with the dough and that was it.  But the dishwasher needed to be unloaded so I could reload, and I asked him to get up and do that while I baked.  He's happy to help.  Often I try and take it all on, and just have him sit and chat with me, but I need to learn to ask for help.  

So, to reiterate, yes, G has been doing a lot of work.  But because he's made effort, I've begun making effort in my reactions.  Overall this week especially has been so nice we're kind of shocked.  And it's been motivation for him to keep it up.  Which is why this morning I woke up to a cute little poem next to my water glass that ended in something about beer.  Yes, he's making effort, but he's still a man!

Let's Go Fly A Kite, Up To The Highest Height

Or....a plane!  G has wanted to begin working on his pilot's license for a long time.  It's been a lifetime dream of his.  So when our counselor asked me what G wants but never goes after it was the first thing to pop in my head.  So our homework assignment was on this beautiful Saturday to go flying.  I thought we would just be given a quick half hour tour.  Instead, other than take off or landing, G was the one who flew!  It was awesome and he had a great time.  I was so excited to share in the beginning of one of his huge dreams coming true.  He will begin ground school later this summer and hopefully (finances in mind) he will have his pilot's license this time next year!

Momentous

Our homework from the counselor was surprising.  He challenged G to do something specific that is a "risk" to G's fear of failure.  I would love to tell you what it is, it's exciting and terrifying all at once, but since we're doing it tomorrow I figure you can wait, right?  And yes, I've had some sparkling wine and am grinning from ear to ear, we're in for a wild ride!

Fantastic

This is a My Husband Rocks Friday.  Because this week?  He has.  And I am remaining hopeful that this will continue.  This week I have woken up to a nectarine on my bedside table.  To little notes put around the house for me.  To a card hidden amongst my workout gear.  And this morning?  He told me to look outside. 

K, I love you.  Infinity times 625 (a random number that is a multiple of 25) = Completely and Forever.


And yes, the & is backwards....on purpose.  The inside of G's ring says Completely & Forever.  But the lady who wrote it down writes her & backwards.....thinking it was deliberate, the engraver did it that way!  So now it's the way we write it.  


We have a meeting with the counselor today, and last time was horrible.  I was questioned to why I am staying with G.  Reminded that I had the power to change the situation by leaving.  G was told he had the power to change the situation by making effort in our marriage.  Well he has, and I will be extremely happy to tell the Dr. that my husband has rocked this week!

L-O-V-E

Our weekend was fairly uneventful.  As in, we had few disagreements, even in the madness of everything (we worked on the yard, worked on the house, were confused as all get out at Home Depot).  I think we were too exhausted to argue about much of anything.... we were asleep before midnight every night and up at around 6 or 7 every morning!  This photo is one of my favorites, even though it's blurry.  We were lying in bed, being goofy one afternoon when I grabbed the camera.  Lots of outtakes, and this one, which I think is sweet. 

Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

And then I finally listened to the voice that had been shouting at me all night and day in my head.  The one telling me that I needed to change how I reacted.  That I needed to be a better wife in the sense of staying true to what I feel a wife is supposed to be, even if G fails as a husband.  Him failing does not give me the right to abandon ship.  Instead it calls me to try even harder, and that includes praying for him more often.  Praying for my husband is something I very often fail to do.

I will be the first to tell you I was a spoiled child who became a spoiled adult who expected more from life than what she had and threw temper tantrums about it.  This last year I have worked incredibly hard to change and to stay true to the person I want to be.  I'm not perfect, and I fail often, but I keep trying.  One of those things has been to look, really look, at my marriage and my expectations for it.  Some expectations were too high.  If we want an active life (which we do) my house will not always be spotless, not matter how hard we try.  I cook and bake too much so there always seems to be a mixing bowl or spoon out in my kitchen.

But I couldn't just throw in the towel and accept my lot as is.  I feel that I do deserve romance and passion from my husband.  And though I have tried to show those consistently for him, I have come to realize it's a learning process for him.  When I told G he needed to ask my Daddy to marry me he looked at me perplexed.  He really has never seen a lot of romantic gestures and is having to learn.  He also can be self conscious, and it causes him to worry and question himself far more than need be.

I cannot in good conscience say I am this super Christian who feels I should stick by my man no matter what.  It's not on my heart.  But I am hearing a call to change how I react to him.  And a call to patience and praise (the latter I do often, the first I suck at).  I also am reminded that I need to stay true to the wife I wish to be and that my husband has asked me to be.  It is my hope that in doing so, G will change, that God will help him change, and that our marriage will be saved.  

Some of this is simple, such as dressing in dresses and skirts more often since it is what G loves me in the most.  Some of it is harder, such as holding my tongue from lashing out when I feel hurt.  I am constantly amazed at the venom that can drip so easily from my tongue when I feel injured or slighted. 

I also plan to jump more eagerly into household tasks, such as laundry, cleaning, and baking (something I have slacked off on out of exhaustion from it all).  And to do so with a cheerful heart.  To realize that those small tasks are what make our house a home.  Too often I have felt resentful toward my role as housewife.  What at first was a fun game soon became tedious, as I constantly felt like a nag towards my husband reminding him to do things like a parent.  I've slowly earned the art of making him remember something without pointing it out bluntly.  (This doesn't always work, but he's working on it as well.)  The smiling happy housewife is who I want to be, and who I am sure G would appreciate in place of the resentful woman I often am. 

Garret will not have read either of these posts.  I've asked him not to, so that my changes are noticed of his accord, not because he read that I was doing it.  He respects my privacy immensely and has promised to abstain from the Memorial Day posts.  I first wrote all this on Memorial Day, and now Tuesday I have seen the fruit of changes already.  Garret has commented on how pretty I look (a dress yesterday and a full skirt with t-shirt today) and also on how ladylike I have been moving about the house and sitting.  I've also noticed that by holding my tongue, in thinking before I react I can generally calm myself.  On the times I have said something in a harsh manner I have self-corrected and apologized.  And I've prayed, which seems to center me and keep me calm.  

I want to say our marriage is still fine in the sense that I am not seeking a divorce.  I'm simply sharing the fact that I've felt lately at my wits end with the way things are and am looking to be the wife I set out to be, no matter what sort of husband G chooses to be.  I can only choose who I am, and so far so good.