Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

And then I finally listened to the voice that had been shouting at me all night and day in my head.  The one telling me that I needed to change how I reacted.  That I needed to be a better wife in the sense of staying true to what I feel a wife is supposed to be, even if G fails as a husband.  Him failing does not give me the right to abandon ship.  Instead it calls me to try even harder, and that includes praying for him more often.  Praying for my husband is something I very often fail to do.

I will be the first to tell you I was a spoiled child who became a spoiled adult who expected more from life than what she had and threw temper tantrums about it.  This last year I have worked incredibly hard to change and to stay true to the person I want to be.  I'm not perfect, and I fail often, but I keep trying.  One of those things has been to look, really look, at my marriage and my expectations for it.  Some expectations were too high.  If we want an active life (which we do) my house will not always be spotless, not matter how hard we try.  I cook and bake too much so there always seems to be a mixing bowl or spoon out in my kitchen.

But I couldn't just throw in the towel and accept my lot as is.  I feel that I do deserve romance and passion from my husband.  And though I have tried to show those consistently for him, I have come to realize it's a learning process for him.  When I told G he needed to ask my Daddy to marry me he looked at me perplexed.  He really has never seen a lot of romantic gestures and is having to learn.  He also can be self conscious, and it causes him to worry and question himself far more than need be.

I cannot in good conscience say I am this super Christian who feels I should stick by my man no matter what.  It's not on my heart.  But I am hearing a call to change how I react to him.  And a call to patience and praise (the latter I do often, the first I suck at).  I also am reminded that I need to stay true to the wife I wish to be and that my husband has asked me to be.  It is my hope that in doing so, G will change, that God will help him change, and that our marriage will be saved.  

Some of this is simple, such as dressing in dresses and skirts more often since it is what G loves me in the most.  Some of it is harder, such as holding my tongue from lashing out when I feel hurt.  I am constantly amazed at the venom that can drip so easily from my tongue when I feel injured or slighted. 

I also plan to jump more eagerly into household tasks, such as laundry, cleaning, and baking (something I have slacked off on out of exhaustion from it all).  And to do so with a cheerful heart.  To realize that those small tasks are what make our house a home.  Too often I have felt resentful toward my role as housewife.  What at first was a fun game soon became tedious, as I constantly felt like a nag towards my husband reminding him to do things like a parent.  I've slowly earned the art of making him remember something without pointing it out bluntly.  (This doesn't always work, but he's working on it as well.)  The smiling happy housewife is who I want to be, and who I am sure G would appreciate in place of the resentful woman I often am. 

Garret will not have read either of these posts.  I've asked him not to, so that my changes are noticed of his accord, not because he read that I was doing it.  He respects my privacy immensely and has promised to abstain from the Memorial Day posts.  I first wrote all this on Memorial Day, and now Tuesday I have seen the fruit of changes already.  Garret has commented on how pretty I look (a dress yesterday and a full skirt with t-shirt today) and also on how ladylike I have been moving about the house and sitting.  I've also noticed that by holding my tongue, in thinking before I react I can generally calm myself.  On the times I have said something in a harsh manner I have self-corrected and apologized.  And I've prayed, which seems to center me and keep me calm.  

I want to say our marriage is still fine in the sense that I am not seeking a divorce.  I'm simply sharing the fact that I've felt lately at my wits end with the way things are and am looking to be the wife I set out to be, no matter what sort of husband G chooses to be.  I can only choose who I am, and so far so good.