Tuesday Thoughts

Late last night as I lay in a hot bath, soaking up the scent of lavender (I have bath salts that have the oil and the petals in it), surrounded by candles, my husband called.  Now, I have made a hot bath an every few days thing lately, but he always calls right after I get out!  He was excited that I was able to turn on web cam so he could see me while we chatted.  There was nothing sexual about it, but it was sexy.  He said I looked stunning in the light and that he missed me a lot.  The feeling is mutual.  I am not lonely, because I keep busy and enjoy my own company.  But I do miss having my best friend around.

And while talking about his day ahead (they're now 7 hours ahead of us now that we've sprung forward an hour), and discussing the mundane day I had had, we got into a discussion about a discussion I had Sunday night about marriage.  Namely, that it's the hardest thing.  A friend was asked if raising a child was harder or if marriage was and both she and her husband agreed marriage was.  Not because raising a child is a piece of cake, but there are biological things that keep you going with that.  Marriage takes work, takes loving one another enough to put the effort in.

My take on it was this:  if this is the person you love the most there are two things that are true.   First, they will be able to hurt you more than anyone else.  And second, you will hurt them more than you thought possible.  It is because there is a safety in love, and though we should treat this person better than anyone, sometimes we are careless with our words and actions, sometimes we are angry and don't bite our tongue quickly enough.  I feel extremely blessed that my husband is my best friend and that even on our worst of days we usually have moments that are amazing, simply being together.  But I can admit that he has the ability to hurt me worse and more quickly than anyone I've ever known.  And that I have said things to him that I know I'll have to answer for to God someday, things I never would have thought I could so venomously say.  We have each had to cry out and ask for forgiveness.  We have had to pick ourselves up and forgive and move on with life.  Long haul marriage is not for weak people, that's for sure.

We are both learning an appreciation for one another we had never had before.  I am starting to see how much work even the little things he did can be.  Particularly when I think he was dealing with them before work while I was asleep!  Acts of love, that perhaps I took for granted (okay, I totally did).  For him, he says he's seeing how much even my cooking he took for granted.  I do it all the time, and while he's always appreciative, he sees now that it sucks to not have that.  He's thanked me for teaching him about foods, saying he's healthier than most guys there are because he knows to pack in the veggies and get as much fruit as possible, and to not eat questionable things.  He envied our pizza from Sunday, and when asked if they had any there he said yes....but that it looked disgusting.  Most don't know that my husband used to not only not eat well, but make horrible food choices.  A few years ago he would have been at that pizza bar frequently, whereas now he avoids it.  I also am the one who keeps him up to date on what needs to be done, what's been done, etc.  Over there he's having to rely on making lists himself.  I'm hoping that 6 months of that and he'll have it down!

I think him being away is a profound turning point in our marriage.  We're each learning to appreciate the other in a whole different way, and to find happiness on our own.  We've both relied on the other too much in the past, and though we're learning what a gift the other person's presence is, we're seeing how nice it is to socialize more.  I would compare us to twins who speak their own language and don't like to play with others.  We've enjoyed the company of each other so much that at times we have isolated ourselves and then drove each other crazy.  I'm looking forward eagerly to September to see how we put our changes into action.  Because it will be work.  Just because we now see what the other has done with more appreciation doesn't mean we'll instantly be right as rain and show our appreciation better.  But I'm hopeful that we'll be so happy to be together again that we'll cut each other a little slack as we learn a new dance. 

And oh, how I miss our dancing in the kitchen in the dark....but that's another topic all together.

Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

And then I finally listened to the voice that had been shouting at me all night and day in my head.  The one telling me that I needed to change how I reacted.  That I needed to be a better wife in the sense of staying true to what I feel a wife is supposed to be, even if G fails as a husband.  Him failing does not give me the right to abandon ship.  Instead it calls me to try even harder, and that includes praying for him more often.  Praying for my husband is something I very often fail to do.

I will be the first to tell you I was a spoiled child who became a spoiled adult who expected more from life than what she had and threw temper tantrums about it.  This last year I have worked incredibly hard to change and to stay true to the person I want to be.  I'm not perfect, and I fail often, but I keep trying.  One of those things has been to look, really look, at my marriage and my expectations for it.  Some expectations were too high.  If we want an active life (which we do) my house will not always be spotless, not matter how hard we try.  I cook and bake too much so there always seems to be a mixing bowl or spoon out in my kitchen.

But I couldn't just throw in the towel and accept my lot as is.  I feel that I do deserve romance and passion from my husband.  And though I have tried to show those consistently for him, I have come to realize it's a learning process for him.  When I told G he needed to ask my Daddy to marry me he looked at me perplexed.  He really has never seen a lot of romantic gestures and is having to learn.  He also can be self conscious, and it causes him to worry and question himself far more than need be.

I cannot in good conscience say I am this super Christian who feels I should stick by my man no matter what.  It's not on my heart.  But I am hearing a call to change how I react to him.  And a call to patience and praise (the latter I do often, the first I suck at).  I also am reminded that I need to stay true to the wife I wish to be and that my husband has asked me to be.  It is my hope that in doing so, G will change, that God will help him change, and that our marriage will be saved.  

Some of this is simple, such as dressing in dresses and skirts more often since it is what G loves me in the most.  Some of it is harder, such as holding my tongue from lashing out when I feel hurt.  I am constantly amazed at the venom that can drip so easily from my tongue when I feel injured or slighted. 

I also plan to jump more eagerly into household tasks, such as laundry, cleaning, and baking (something I have slacked off on out of exhaustion from it all).  And to do so with a cheerful heart.  To realize that those small tasks are what make our house a home.  Too often I have felt resentful toward my role as housewife.  What at first was a fun game soon became tedious, as I constantly felt like a nag towards my husband reminding him to do things like a parent.  I've slowly earned the art of making him remember something without pointing it out bluntly.  (This doesn't always work, but he's working on it as well.)  The smiling happy housewife is who I want to be, and who I am sure G would appreciate in place of the resentful woman I often am. 

Garret will not have read either of these posts.  I've asked him not to, so that my changes are noticed of his accord, not because he read that I was doing it.  He respects my privacy immensely and has promised to abstain from the Memorial Day posts.  I first wrote all this on Memorial Day, and now Tuesday I have seen the fruit of changes already.  Garret has commented on how pretty I look (a dress yesterday and a full skirt with t-shirt today) and also on how ladylike I have been moving about the house and sitting.  I've also noticed that by holding my tongue, in thinking before I react I can generally calm myself.  On the times I have said something in a harsh manner I have self-corrected and apologized.  And I've prayed, which seems to center me and keep me calm.  

I want to say our marriage is still fine in the sense that I am not seeking a divorce.  I'm simply sharing the fact that I've felt lately at my wits end with the way things are and am looking to be the wife I set out to be, no matter what sort of husband G chooses to be.  I can only choose who I am, and so far so good. 

Memorial Day Weekend Part 1

Well, it's been a whirlwind and relaxing all at the same time.  I don't even remember Friday, honestly.  Saturday was a party at a friend's home and we made it back to our house before 11 p.m., which is a record by many hours.  The party was fun, we met some new people, G got cornered by a drunk veteran who he couldn't understand so he just smiled, nodded and laughed when the man did.  It would have been funny had it not been such a sad situation.

Sunday we got up and I remember thinking, "I love Sundays."  We slept in, headed to the farmer's market where we picked up some arugula (I asked for rocket, and then remembered that isn't the word for it here although I can never remember it), radishes, lavender, chives, and a cayenne pepper plant.  We also shared a super yummy turkey burger and a small bag of fresh donuts.  It was the perfect weather, and had my sandals not been the worst idea ever the morning would have been perfect.  Bought a paper, ended up at the diner drinking coffee before heading to mass.

Here's the part where I'm honest.  I did not want to go to mass, refused a handful of times, and was a downright pain in the rear.  I was upset with G, my heart hurt and I didn't want to go in and listen to a priest whom I haven't decided whether I like or not yet.  I eventually went in and was sullen and near tears most of the mass.  I prayed, but angrily.  I was angry at God.  I was angry at G.  I was angry at myself.  I sang only one of the songs, and half heartedly at that.  And mostly I sat staring, my eyes glazed over listening to a sermon about love and thinking, "I have loved.  And it hasn't gotten me anywhere."

But that is the beauty of it, it meant very little to me.  Because I'm not boasting, it's just the simple truth, I love G tremendously, and have tried to show that to him every day.  I get mad easily, but as G often sadly points out (I say sadly because he feels it lets him off too easily, but whatever) I do not stay mad.  Oftentimes I get mad the night before and wake up forgetting that I was mad.  Not just forgetting what I was mad about, forgetting I was mad altogether.  So I love him and try to do things for him to show him that love.  It's rarely reciprocated and it's hurtful and yet I kept pretending that all the good days were the norm.  But the sermon spoke to G and he tried telling me about it.  I wouldn't listen.  I still need to ask him about it.

Last night I came home and I began working in the kitchen.  I made cucumber sandwiches and salmon mousse pinwheels and later made egg salad and pasta salad for today.  But I was bitter.  My heart was bitter.  I was mad and trying desperately to remember that.  I painted the bathroom (only I despise the color so I have to repaint later this week).  I painted the top of a piece of furniture I am working on.  I read The 19th Wife (nearly done).  And I stayed desolate.

I wish I could say I woke up okay today, but I was still annoyed.  Worn out.  Tired of pretending that this was enough.  Tired of getting mad.  Tired of hoping things were getting better.  Just tired.

And then...

Part 2 to come tomorrow evening.

Thought Provoking

Sarah Mae just posted today (technically yesterday) about being imperfect.  It was a simple, to the point and beautiful post.  I highly recommend it, and wanted to talk about it a bit.  

"He loves me through the failure, because He already knew about my dark, selfish soul when He died for it."

I commented and then thought, I need to share here.  I am imperfect by far.  I struggle in being tolerant, of having patience, of being a good friend and wife. (and the list goes on)  Every day.  It's something I tried so long to hide, because that was how I felt things were done.  I didn't want to be a martyr.  I didn't want to fail.  I wanted it to look like my life was so together.  


But it wasn't.  


It still isn't.  


I have days where I yell and then apologize.  I have days where I don't get anything done I needed done.  I have days lately that find me on my knees crying out for some relief.  


My faith took a huge hit with my marital problems.  But the time things changed?  Last week I literally hit my knees sobbing and praying.  And suddenly there was a turn around.  As if a miracle had occurred within a day or so my heart was perfectly calm and my husband was aiming to do better as a husband, as a friend.


We were saved.  And though there will be rough patches, my knees will be hitting the ground through them.  Because when I try to be perfect, when I try to fix things, I fail.  Every time.


But He never does. 

Taking A Breath

I don't know how to write this.  I am taking a break from my life for a bit next week.  I head home on Tuesday (still need to book my flight) and will be staying a week or two.  Garret and I both need some time apart to think and it gives me a chance to spend some time with family and friends.  There was some issues the other evening that left us both exhausted and I finally have made the decision to take a petite break from the stress.  It also means that I have had to cut ties with a few people for a while.  Without going into details here, suffice to say there has been some words said that people didn't have a place to say, lies told and a wee bit of betrayal, and I need a break from the stress and drama.


I will still be doing the giveaway and will have G mail it out for me afterwards.  He and I are still speaking, in fact as long as we aren't arguing we're still headed to a birthday party on Sunday.  We're both working on things, but a break is needed for some perspective.  I would like to make it clear that we are not separating, just taking a breath.  


I want to thank each of you who have read here this last month and commented or e-mailed me with encouragement.  I will be posting a bit while home, though I don't know how much.  I am wanting to see some friends that I haven't seen in a while, and I will also be busy going through things we had in storage to make sure nothing useless was included (old paperwork and the like).  And I plan on spending tons of time with my grandmama and maman!  (I will say I'm a tiny bit excited to see my niece as well, just a tiny bit)  And when I'm done visiting I will be coming back here.  My birthday and our anniversary are in less than a month and I am planning on coming back in time for those!

Round One

Today G is tacking on Staff. Sgt (well, this afternoon, after the duty day).  He was halfway down the list in the entire Air Force, but number 2 in his career field (out of over 100).  It was his first time testing and he has every reason to be proud.  Unfortunately he's so worried about us he could care less.  And he should be.  Today is the day, and I've already vented to both our mothers.  


We apparently have afternoon plans of which he will tell me nothing other than we will go home to change first.  I'm dressed up, because I'm helping tack him on......a barbaric activity which includes slugging him in the arm while people take pictures.  So I will need to switch into jeans.  He says it's the big surprise this afternoon, and then we are headed home this evening for part 2.  Which I now know what it was supposed to be, but because he might change his mind I'll refrain from sharing.


So it turns out that we are supposed to have been home around 6.  I ask him what's for dinner.  Silence.  He forgot the detail of feeding us.  And we have no back up plan food in the house except the quiche which he says we're not eating.  So he is now at work panicking, quickly trying to plan dinner.  Keep your fingers crossed!  Honestly I'm hoping it means dinner out, since his cooking skills are limited and I can tell it's a "you're not going to cook" night.  (the thing is he wasn't planning on us eating lunch either as when he's nervous he won't eat. So I would have been ravenous and a complete bitch this evening had I realized then we weren't eating anything.)


If I didn't love him I would have taken him back for exchange a long time ago!  I was irritated as all get out this morning (working on 2 1/2 hrs of sleep here), but by the time I was on the phone with his mother I was laughing, because it really is that ridiculous.  We're foodies, we eat.  :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow the sun is gonna shine.  Weather.gov says so, anyways.  Tomorrow is the end of an era and a step into a new one.  And I feel blind.  I have no idea what my husband is up to, but he's sure it's gonna win my heart all over again.  He's warned me I will cry (and laughed, and admitted the one detail he hadn't thought of was I might need extra make-up afterwards).  He's said that I asked for a miracle and he's providing one.  


Can I admit I'm a little scared?  You see this boy?  He has my heart.  Engraved on the inside of his wedding ring is "completely and forever."  Because that's what I expected.  And tomorrow if he pulls this off I get to see this boy I have loved for so long, even without being able to say it aloud, turn into a man.  Right in front of my eyes.  And that will be the miracle I've been waiting for.  


So I'm quietly whispering words of hope into the universe.  I'm praying on my knees and wishing on stars and crying.  Because I'm scared.  Because I'm not ready for us to be over.  Because I love him more than all the stars in every sky, more than every speck of dust or grain of sand on anything in all the universe.  


Tomorrow it's a now or never moment, and I'm looking forward to the sun beginning to shine.  

The Love Dare

I think I've mentioned before how much I love the film Fireproof.  It is cheesetastic to the extreme, but the message is amazing, and the music is pretty good as well.  We're currently in the middle of watching it again right now, actually.  Garret has mentioned for some time now that he wanted to get The Love Dare (the book in the film), but after reading the "look inside" portion on Amazon, it struck me that what I have feeling lately is correct.  I need to do the dare, not him.  So I've gotten the book and am good to go.  True, it's a 40 day journey, and we are supposed to only have 23 days left of our 30 day thing, but eh, we'll play it by ear.


The first day is Love Is Patient, and it discusses patience, it's help in a marital relationship, and then gives you a dare to do for that day.  A part that really struck me is:


"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human.  It understands that everyone fails.  When a mistake is made it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.  It gives you ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure."


Patience, as I have constantly said, is not a big virtue of mine.  And out of frustration I have become a person who is quick to snap.  I have become a spouse who expects my husband to be a superhuman all too often.  I am ashamed of this behavior, and expect this day's dare to be quite the challenge.  


Garret and I talked a lot today about what needed to change.  Specifics, sometimes blunt and slightly harsh.  We discussed how things we have failed to do have damaged our relationship, and discussed how to begin repairing it.  Day by day seems to be how it's going to go down.  But I am remaining optimistic (at times, my lack of patience has me wanting immediate changes), but cautious.  While I am making plans for the future, it is with the knowledge that if need be I will find ways to alter that.  Something we discussed in depth was our faith, and how strangely the more I felt lost in my marriage, the stronger my faith has become.  Often, in previous relationships, as they soured I became angry at God.  Instead, now I have begun to cling to Him to lead me through this fire.  


Please pray for us as we continue on this rocky path.  And if you would like more updates as I follow along this dare, let me know, either in the comments or e-mail.  Thank you again for the wonderful and supportive comments, e-mails and messages, I have some of the most amazing people as my readers!

Dinner And A Plan

Tonight my husband took me out for coffee.  We spent a couple hours talking, then dealing with overstock (but that's another post for the home blog).  Then we headed to Wal-Mart where we oh so grown-up-ly bought new windshield wipers.....then had to call my dad for instructions on how to change them as we were in the frigid cold and failing on our own!  Next we headed to the store and picked up yummy food.  I made some more of the Pioneer Woman's Salsa for tomorrow, then made shornakhod (the Afghan salad) and baked some tilapia to eat with roasted asparagus.  Dinner was amazing, we're drinking some Argentine wine and cleaning up in the kitchen.


I've gotten some amazing e-mails from you all, and I appreciate them more than I even know how to say.  The letters of support, the letters of understanding have made me feel like I was right to be more open.  And Garret has enjoyed them as well, in fact is picking up a book recommended to us this week.  So thank you so much.


We talked tonight and decided to be strict about a policy we tried setting up months ago but got distracted and failed.  We had tried to make every Thursday night a date night that Garret planned, but too often we were exhausted or even simply forgot what day of the week it was!  So, for this month, every Thursday is officially a Garret-planned date night.  Simple, or elaborate, it is up to him.  But it will be the one night of the week I don't have to figure out dinner (although if he gives me a list on Wednesday I will do the shopping).  Friday night is our movie night, and Saturday morning is sleeping in and then making pancakes!  


I want to make it clear that this isn't a whose fault is it kinda problem.  I know recently I've spoken about how I need to step it up as a wife, and I am taking that seriously as well.  We both have been uphappy with the way things have been and felt like failures at this marriage deal, so we're both working on things, mainly together.  We're talking more like we used to when we were engaged and newly married. We're making time to just laugh and be together.  But we're also both owning up to our responsibilities and fighting hard to make this work.  Which means changing plans.  We were going to go home to see my brother this week, but instead he's going to get a call so he can tell me all about his robotics competition and we're staying here to work on us.  If we had gone home it would have been a 20+ hour car ride with possible fighting then faking nice while around my family.  We voted on it and that wasn't what we wanted.  Instead this weekend might be a mini adventure!  


So I will be posting about this as we go along, as a sort of accountability thing.  As I finish organizing and projects around the home, they will go up on the home blog.  When Garret plans date nights, they will get posted here.  Same for special outings, or thoughtful things we do for one another.  It's confusing because in a way, this is so freeing.  We're holding ourselves accountable for our actions and things we have failed to do, but it also allows us to breathe.  To let people see that we are far from perfect.  Yes, we're an adorable couple when things are good, but we have so far to go to be a healthy marriage.  So, please join us on this journey, and we'll see where it leads.  We're optimistic, but taking it very seriously.