Monday, March 1, 2010

Dinner And A Plan

Tonight my husband took me out for coffee.  We spent a couple hours talking, then dealing with overstock (but that's another post for the home blog).  Then we headed to Wal-Mart where we oh so grown-up-ly bought new windshield wipers.....then had to call my dad for instructions on how to change them as we were in the frigid cold and failing on our own!  Next we headed to the store and picked up yummy food.  I made some more of the Pioneer Woman's Salsa for tomorrow, then made shornakhod (the Afghan salad) and baked some tilapia to eat with roasted asparagus.  Dinner was amazing, we're drinking some Argentine wine and cleaning up in the kitchen.

I've gotten some amazing e-mails from you all, and I appreciate them more than I even know how to say.  The letters of support, the letters of understanding have made me feel like I was right to be more open.  And Garret has enjoyed them as well, in fact is picking up a book recommended to us this week.  So thank you so much.

We talked tonight and decided to be strict about a policy we tried setting up months ago but got distracted and failed.  We had tried to make every Thursday night a date night that Garret planned, but too often we were exhausted or even simply forgot what day of the week it was!  So, for this month, every Thursday is officially a Garret-planned date night.  Simple, or elaborate, it is up to him.  But it will be the one night of the week I don't have to figure out dinner (although if he gives me a list on Wednesday I will do the shopping).  Friday night is our movie night, and Saturday morning is sleeping in and then making pancakes!  

I want to make it clear that this isn't a whose fault is it kinda problem.  I know recently I've spoken about how I need to step it up as a wife, and I am taking that seriously as well.  We both have been uphappy with the way things have been and felt like failures at this marriage deal, so we're both working on things, mainly together.  We're talking more like we used to when we were engaged and newly married. We're making time to just laugh and be together.  But we're also both owning up to our responsibilities and fighting hard to make this work.  Which means changing plans.  We were going to go home to see my brother this week, but instead he's going to get a call so he can tell me all about his robotics competition and we're staying here to work on us.  If we had gone home it would have been a 20+ hour car ride with possible fighting then faking nice while around my family.  We voted on it and that wasn't what we wanted.  Instead this weekend might be a mini adventure!  

So I will be posting about this as we go along, as a sort of accountability thing.  As I finish organizing and projects around the home, they will go up on the home blog.  When Garret plans date nights, they will get posted here.  Same for special outings, or thoughtful things we do for one another.  It's confusing because in a way, this is so freeing.  We're holding ourselves accountable for our actions and things we have failed to do, but it also allows us to breathe.  To let people see that we are far from perfect.  Yes, we're an adorable couple when things are good, but we have so far to go to be a healthy marriage.  So, please join us on this journey, and we'll see where it leads.  We're optimistic, but taking it very seriously.


  1. Yes, I think we all need to work on it. My husband can't stand it when for no reason cancel our date night. Will work on it too:)

  2. I think this is such a healthy and inspiring approach. I am excited to hear how things go and hear about your ideas (especially the random nice things for each other - that is something I love to do but struggle to come up with ideas for, especially ones that aren't too expensive and don't take tons of time because I don't have much of either!).

  3. I have read your last couple blog posts as I have been reading the book, Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. She is on a journey to learn as much about marriage as she can. I have only just started but I must say it has been a very interesting read to this point. It has made me stop and ponder many things. I even started an online blog book club and this is my first book.

  4. Marriage is hard. And, let me say, for the record, that during the first years of marriage I thought about leaving almost once a day. It is the hardest growth I have ever done. I truly believe that marriage can be a PhD in self development. I feel sure that you and your husband will get to the other side of this. I have absolute faith in you.

    18 years later and I only think of leaving when I am PMS-ing and that is huge progress. Perfection is overrated and unattainable. It is our broken places that we end up the strongest.

    I am so happy you feel optimistic and that you have a plan.
    p.s. A book that really helped me is a book called "Marriage Dead or ALive" by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig. I highly recommend it.
    p.s.s I applaud your honesty, your courage and your ability to see your part of the problem. All of those qualities go a long way to create a healthy marriage.
    Much love,

  5. Keep fighting for what you want it to be. You are both strong adults and remember what we told you..."the hardest year of marriage is the year that you're in". Reflect on the past and try to learn from it, but please don't dwell on doesn't do any good other than bring up old hurt feelings.

    Dad and I are confident that you both will do whatever you need to to try and make things work. We know that you can do it.

    We love you,