My Daddy and I were talking tonight, and he mentioned that my Aunt mentioned I need to get out of the house more. Mildly embarrassed I indignantly thought, well *raspberry sound* her. The thing is, she's right, in fact it's something I've mentioned a time or a million to G. I'm a social person by nature, and the hardest part of my marriage has been making friends. We won't go into all the reasons, because I'm tired of bitching about it, but the reality is it's hard. I was the girl in college who made instant friends, my best friend and maid of honor was a woman I introduced myself to the first week of college (even before classes started). But I found that with the military wives I was meeting I just didn't have a lot in common. I met many who had been in the military life since they turned 18 or 19 and were still at 23, 24, 25 partying like they were living a kegger life. I find that fun from time to time, but I've done the crazy going out all the time thing, and it's not me (and it sure as hell isn't my husband). Or I would meet women who were in the mommy phase of life, and as a newlywed I wasn't. And to top it all off, the mother of all reasons/excuses is that G has always been my best friend and I was perfectly content with his company.
And I did make friends, and even occasionally G liked their husbands, but it was no serious relationship. :) So while I had girlfriends, their husbands were usually friends and so for couples things we would get invited and would go, but G often felt on the outside. He doesn't do football, he hates beer, and he's quiet. It was mildly awkward, and I felt like I was pressuring him to fit in more.
Now that we've moved to Baltimore I have made more effort. I tried making friends with another military wife and it went okay, but I think we've both just let it taper off. I've joined plenty of meetup groups and we've even made it to several outings (including an amazing brunch today). I'm planning on organizing a girl's brunch for some girl time. And one of my favorite waitresses that I always chat with gave me her number to hang out sometime. I feel like I'm dating. Anyone who thinks you get married and never date again is oh so wrong. It's just now you often have to date as a couple. Which can be a pain. Though I've heard dating as a family is even harder, so great, I have that to look forward to.
I'm making the effort, and I'm encouraging G to be less of a snob (which he promises me he's working on). So please to anyone who might have cared enough to worry, please don't. Just because I don't mention every time I hang out with a friend doesn't mean I don't get out. I just didn't realize that day to day type of thing was anything to write about, unless something unusual happened. I'm laid back, not going sky diving with friends, so it usually consists of coffee and chatting. But believe me, I know I need to get out there. Does anyone know of a "dating" service for friends? :)
You and I are a lot alike in some ways, but different enough for it to be interesting. I wish we lived closer to each other. Do you have any blog or twitter followers that you are in your area you are interested in meeting? That is how I met Lauren, whose daughter is Ian's best friend as she has become one of mine. It also introduced me to Jenny and she is helping me get back on my journey with God.
ReplyDeleteIts much harder to make friends when you get older and are no longer continually surrounded by peers. Especially when you have someone in your life who is always there and easy to fall back on...I had this issue with M. He's my best friend so while we were dating it was easy just to hang out with him because I already knew I like his company. But I still had the desire to have girl time and think that it is important to have several people in your life so that one person doesn't have to feel the pressure to meet all of your needs.
ReplyDeleteThe question is how to meet them!
I've been reading your blog for a while but don't think I've ever commented. Not to butt in but here's my thinking: Perhaps you need to just focus on relationships with other women. Due to my husband's career, we've really never hung out with other couples. He has his friends and I have mine and for the most part, that's worked out fine. In fact, I seem to feel a bit of a panic when I think a couple wants to be friends with us. My experience has been there's always someone in the couple friendship who is the outsider, doesn't have much in common, and is almost allowed to tag along. Also, having had friends go through divorces, I see how suddenly sides need to be taken, meaning one member of the wasn't really a friend afterall. Just my two cents worth. :) Good luck with your "dating." I hope you find many, many couples and singles with whom to have friendship.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness does this speak to me today! My husband and I were just arguing about whether or not we were going to a "bar night" thing with his siblings this weekend. We are so in a different phase of life than they are and I would SO much rather just hang out somewhere or get coffee than find a babysitter, go out drinking, get home tired and get up in the morning with my almost two year old. It just doesn't interest me anymore (which makes me feel old).
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to find good girlfriends when you get a bit older, and even more so when you move around. My best girlfriends have all moved between 2 hours and 8 hours away from me and it makes me sad. I don't have 'girlfriends' to hang out with anymore but also don't have the time to go find 'new' ones.
This is just a thought - (and is NOT meant to start a discussion or be critical of your and G's decision that you not work outside the home - I respect that is a choice for your family of two to make) but just an observation that occurred to me as I was thinking over your post and wondering how I met my friends when I moved to a new city and overseas.
ReplyDeleteAnd the answer was of course through existing friends in that city - but mainly it was through my work and in workplaces (ie both collegues and those people you meet in the course of your work that aren't collegues). Working in big-ish companies or sections I have found myself working with quite a few other women my age - and we are similar in many ways (income bracket, professional job, so need for/interest in clothing, fashion etc). From there it has been relatively easy to find the ones who are at a similar stage of life to me and have common interests.....and you see them every day so the friendship is formed gradually and over common pursuits (regrettably usually work related...... but I find it doesn't take much to turn into afterwork drinks, or ducking out for a coffee or a lunch together....)
From there, I have often met their circles and groups of friends - or if after a while either me or them move on to a new job, I take the friendship with me, and have the opportunity to meet more people in a new workplace too.
Perhaps a job - or regular charity work or something that would get you out meeting (the same) people each week by yourself would be good to look into? Added bonuses include a little more money, the lucky choice to quit if you aren't keen on the people/work, the option to do the work/charity part time (3 mornings a week? or 2 1/2 days a week? or whatever) and the very cool chance to dress up for it everyday (!!)
J
Bobbi---I don't know of hardly anyone in the area. Sad really, since I had hoped the blog would help me meet people. Kristen, The Frugal Girl, lives nearby and I keep meaning to ask if she wants to meet for coffee. If you bring your own mug to Starbucks it costs something like 50 cents for their Pike Place roast (they charge it as a refill), so it would even be fairly frugal!
ReplyDeleteEurochic-- Have you tried looking on meetup.com? We've hung out with different groups and had a blast each time! That's how we met our brunch group, and I get the feeling I'm gonna end up making friends easiest through there.
Cherie--Thanks for commenting! I do like to have girlfriends of my own, and I'm working on that. But because my husband and I are so close we have to have some couples friends for dinner parties and whatnot as well. I don't mind us each having friends and doing a cocktail party with them, I just like a good mixture!
Kaycee-- So, so true! I'm at that odd phase, where we're planning on starting a family if all goes well, so late nights all the time make me groan. But surprisingly people with kids tend to look at us like we wouldn't have much to offer (which is ironic, since the last woman I made friends with her 5 year old and 3 year old thought I was the bees knees, informed their mother I was their friend and asked me to stay for a slumber party. I love kids, and that tends to be reciprocated!)
J-- This is a huge debate in our house and I've kept it off of here because I don't want G to sound like the guy who wants his "little woman" at home. He likes having me here when he comes home, and I like not working on anything but my novels and art. But I am considering going back into banking, working near G's work since we have the one car, simply to make some girlfriends for the very reasons you listed! I really need to e-mail you soon!
My husband & I have a similar situation. We have similar tastes and likes and dislikes. What we can not find are other couples like us who are childless-by-choice and have time to hang out or just grab snacks and coffee and chat. Not that we do not like children, but other couples with kids do not have the time and 9 out of 10 times conversation is dominated by children-related topics.
ReplyDeleteLOL - I too would love to stay at home! Perhaps I should look into doing that instead of advising u to consider work!! My piano would be less dusty.... And my cross stitch and patchworks might be in better shape!!!
ReplyDeleteBut I just thought of another option - classes. Like French classes or art classes or Thai cooking classes etc. I think it would be a great thing to meet people - as long as they r ongong for a few weeks. And u already autstically have one thing the class is on in common!!
J
That should be "you already automatically have the one things the class is on in common!!"
ReplyDeleteJ