Saturday, May 8, 2010

Loving Me

Well, so, here's the thing.  I started this blog way back when as a way to hold myself accountable.  As a way to have a place where I am just me, no apologies.  And that's fine and dandy.  But in my real life, in the day to day crap I lost me.  My indecisiveness over life goals is because I no longer knew myself well.  My personality hasn't changed.  I'm still me in that sense.  It's more that I tried to wear too many masks for too long, changing to be what other people needed of me and suddenly I'm not the me I need.

I've become lazy and complacent when it comes to taking time to do things I love.  I have all the time in the world, but I lost confidence in my abilities to do most anything.  And even at something I know I'm good at (like cooking) it can seem overwhelming at times.  And realistically, I'm bored.  I've discussed with G that I would like to go back to work, which he fully supports (though he prefers me at home).  However after doing some thinking the other morning I realized that while I would like to go back to work within this year, first I need to actively pursue myself.  Otherwise work will just be a distraction, something to kill time, and once I've stopped working again I'll have the same problems.  

So this year could be called the "getting to know and love myself year".  I'm still contemplating what that means for me, but I have part of it figured out.  And it's where it gets difficult because it requires being truly honest with myself, something I tend to shy away from.  

For starters, there will be no babies or children anytime in the immediate future.  Do I want a baby?  Absolutely, I think more than anything because it would give me something to do, another face to wear ("the mommy").  And because it seems like the natural order of things.  We've been married for 3 years and we're getting some odd looks that we're not with child yet.  As a Catholic, this gets us even more looks (why on earth are we no procreating yet?).  Well, let's get raw.  I've been off of birth control for a year this month, and yet, no baby.  Do I think this means there is something wrong?  Nope, my marriage has spent the last year on the rocks and so the baby making hasn't been exactly top priority.  And realistically, I'm relieved.  When things are good in our life, when we're out there doing things, living this life God has given us, neither of us really wants to upset the apple cart with a baby.  We like being just us two.  

We definitely want a family later, through whatever means we decide.  But first?  I want to be romanced and pursued by my husband, something he never did.  We both want that.  We both want a chance to fall in love again and make our marriage strong before bringing a kid into the mess.  Yes, the baby thing has been a stressor for us this year.  But it was this past month that we realized it wasn't necessarily because we weren't pregnant so much as it was that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be, and I kept giving G mixed signals (and in return he was wishy washy about it).  I was afraid to tell him "no, I'm not sure I want to be pregnant right now."  Because I'm working on me and selfishly don't want to have to suddenly become so-and-so's mom.  

I also need to take care of myself.  During the hard times my eating disorder rears it's ugly head.  It's been so much better lately now that G and I are doing better.  We're eating healthy, we're talking about it.  Previously G would want to go eat heavy foods every night and I would go along with it, knowing that it wasn't going to go well for me. (after 13 years of dealing with this, my stomach cannot handle a lot of greasy food, to be frank it just has a hard time digesting it).  But lately I've spoken up, said that we can't eat this food.  I can eat the occasional greasy cheeseburger, but not regularly.  It just makes me emotional ill.  So I'm learning to take care of me.  

There will be more smaller goals coming this week.  But mainly those are the big ones, all the little ones will be because of them.  

* Get to know myself again, what I love to do, what I don't enjoy doing.
* Not have a baby.  (this is subject to change near the end of this birth year, but for now, we're sticking to this goal)
* Get my eating disorder under control whereas I don't think about it (this has already been worked on and so far, so good)

Big goals, but I'm looking forward to what I can accomplish this year to prepare for a better life in the long run.  


  1. Good for you Kalee. I think it's so important to not just have a baby because it's the next step, but to wait until it is truly what you really want for your life. It is true that your identity changes, you aren't just you - you are someone's Mom. And the needs of that someone tend to trump not only your needs, but your husband's as well. At least at first until you settle into the new role. Friends I have that had a baby simply for the next step and were not happy before, are not happy now - and are more stressed. Those that were ready and happy for the step are enjoying their children much more.

    When it comes down to it, you know yourself best. And whatever you feel you need, and the goals you set, are what is best for you. Best of luck with all of them! :)

  2. Wow! Thanks for such an insightful post - that can't have been easy to write and put out there -but I'm glad you did.

    I find myself going through a similar stage - before I used to 'wear a mask' or make myself into the person I felt the other person wanted me to be - just because I was young and still 'trying on' different masks and roles to see which best fit and who I really am. As I get older, I m finding that matters less and less to me, and I feel free to act like 'me' (whomever that is!) and if people don't like that, or like me - well it's no big deal. I am finding too that there are people out there that I don't like, and slowly gaining this confidence in myself, and not in what other people think is freeing me up to see that.

    I think your year sounds like a great idea - especially as I agree with Kaycee above that when kids come along, it's a good idea to be firm and certain in yourself and your relationship - as the lack of sleep and 'you/our' time can be testing for the best relationships. I see if with my sisters and friends and often think to myself it's like that quote from the movie 'Fireproof'. (Paraphrasing here!) Fireproof doesn't mean you won't get the fire - it means when the fire comes you'll be able to withstand the heat". I think kids - as fantastic as they are! - can test you and with the lack of sleep and other challenges etc you want to be really sure you have a solid relationship base to work from!

    Anyway - I think your plan and your goals are fantastic - do we get updates throughout the year???!!


  3. This is a great post, I am already another mother but I haven't been taking care of me either. I understand that feeling and you will be happier if you are feeling great in your skin when you have a baby.