Loving Me

Well, so, here's the thing.  I started this blog way back when as a way to hold myself accountable.  As a way to have a place where I am just me, no apologies.  And that's fine and dandy.  But in my real life, in the day to day crap I lost me.  My indecisiveness over life goals is because I no longer knew myself well.  My personality hasn't changed.  I'm still me in that sense.  It's more that I tried to wear too many masks for too long, changing to be what other people needed of me and suddenly I'm not the me I need.


I've become lazy and complacent when it comes to taking time to do things I love.  I have all the time in the world, but I lost confidence in my abilities to do most anything.  And even at something I know I'm good at (like cooking) it can seem overwhelming at times.  And realistically, I'm bored.  I've discussed with G that I would like to go back to work, which he fully supports (though he prefers me at home).  However after doing some thinking the other morning I realized that while I would like to go back to work within this year, first I need to actively pursue myself.  Otherwise work will just be a distraction, something to kill time, and once I've stopped working again I'll have the same problems.  


So this year could be called the "getting to know and love myself year".  I'm still contemplating what that means for me, but I have part of it figured out.  And it's where it gets difficult because it requires being truly honest with myself, something I tend to shy away from.  


For starters, there will be no babies or children anytime in the immediate future.  Do I want a baby?  Absolutely, I think more than anything because it would give me something to do, another face to wear ("the mommy").  And because it seems like the natural order of things.  We've been married for 3 years and we're getting some odd looks that we're not with child yet.  As a Catholic, this gets us even more looks (why on earth are we no procreating yet?).  Well, let's get raw.  I've been off of birth control for a year this month, and yet, no baby.  Do I think this means there is something wrong?  Nope, my marriage has spent the last year on the rocks and so the baby making hasn't been exactly top priority.  And realistically, I'm relieved.  When things are good in our life, when we're out there doing things, living this life God has given us, neither of us really wants to upset the apple cart with a baby.  We like being just us two.  


We definitely want a family later, through whatever means we decide.  But first?  I want to be romanced and pursued by my husband, something he never did.  We both want that.  We both want a chance to fall in love again and make our marriage strong before bringing a kid into the mess.  Yes, the baby thing has been a stressor for us this year.  But it was this past month that we realized it wasn't necessarily because we weren't pregnant so much as it was that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be, and I kept giving G mixed signals (and in return he was wishy washy about it).  I was afraid to tell him "no, I'm not sure I want to be pregnant right now."  Because I'm working on me and selfishly don't want to have to suddenly become so-and-so's mom.  


I also need to take care of myself.  During the hard times my eating disorder rears it's ugly head.  It's been so much better lately now that G and I are doing better.  We're eating healthy, we're talking about it.  Previously G would want to go eat heavy foods every night and I would go along with it, knowing that it wasn't going to go well for me. (after 13 years of dealing with this, my stomach cannot handle a lot of greasy food, to be frank it just has a hard time digesting it).  But lately I've spoken up, said that we can't eat this food.  I can eat the occasional greasy cheeseburger, but not regularly.  It just makes me emotional ill.  So I'm learning to take care of me.  


There will be more smaller goals coming this week.  But mainly those are the big ones, all the little ones will be because of them.  


* Get to know myself again, what I love to do, what I don't enjoy doing.
* Not have a baby.  (this is subject to change near the end of this birth year, but for now, we're sticking to this goal)
* Get my eating disorder under control whereas I don't think about it (this has already been worked on and so far, so good)


Big goals, but I'm looking forward to what I can accomplish this year to prepare for a better life in the long run.