2 a.m.

My husband will tell you I fight sleep as much now as my maman says I did when I was a baby.  It's not that I don't love sleep.....once I'm asleep I like to stay that way.  It's just, my mind tells me that this life is short and I shouldn't waste a second.  And I keep coming up with other things I want to do.  Even at 3 a.m. I can often be found reading or singing and dancing.  The other night at 2 a.m. I did a complete interpretive dance for G and Sophie (Audrey was so over it).  I got lost in the moment, and my feet knowing instinctively that I needed this release didn't cause me pain, even as I leaped about, balancing on my toes. 

I've needed this.  This burning inside.  My fingers ache to dance across the strings of my violin as much as my feet ache to have a whole studio to myself.  I've been keeping so much inside this year, trying to process the things we've dealt with/are dealing with.  Some I've shared.  Some nobody knows but G, because some things are best kept between "the shadow and the soul."  But processing it is painful at times.  Sometimes I don't want to face myself.  Sometimes it's hard staring at the one person you love more than yourself and hurting because you are trying so hard to keep everything together that you've forgotten that the beauty of marriage is having someone through good times and bad.  Sometimes we forget to speak, afraid of being the weak one.  So I've needed the release, the physical act of dancing until I cannot think anymore to allow me to break it all down. 

I have only begun to become the woman I want to be.  Baby steps, learning to trust myself, trust my own voice.  And G's there beside me, learning himself.  It's a dance, and we're stumbling but laughing.