Monday Musings

Sometimes I feel I lead a very small life and am afraid of living bigger.  I find that more and more lately I crawl into myself and talk less.  And that's okay.  Sometimes I just need the silence around me.  I think G thinks I'm distracted.  I'm not.  It's just I have this sense of pauses in time.  Where I will be listening to him, really listening and responding, and my mind might be elsewhere but I'm able to focus on more than one thing.  I looked at him the other day and grabbed his face and said, "Do you understand how I feel about you?  Do you know how much I just overflow with love for you?  Do you realize that when I tell you that you're sexy and I'm extremely attracted to you that I mean it with every cell in my body?  And do you believe me when I say any of this?"  He just looked at me, slowly.  And I realized in that moment that he's just like me.  He feel inadequate and needs reassurance, and even when it's given he wonders if it's true.  It's easy to love, but I'm finding that it's actually harder than most anything to allow yourself to be loved, to really believe you're worthy of this amazing person who thinks you outshine the moon.  

I think part of my introspection lately has been in preparation for being on my own for the first time in years.  G really is my best friend and partner in crime.  People look at us funny because we're as crazy about each other as most newlyweds and yet can turn around and act like a couple who've been married 50 years.  Without one another we sort of feel....lost.  Not in a co-dependent way, but rather in a "something's off, what's missing?" sort of way.  I've been trying to cram so much into so short a time and the hourglass continues to drizzle the sand away.  I know that the time will go quickly and this time next year we'll be bickering about cleaning but for now I'm trying to savor every second as it slips away.  

So I'm busy cleaning, cooking, reading aloud, dancing, singing, giggling, relaxing with our 4 legged animals (Max and I have this thing where he comes up and puts his nose to mine and G finds it utterly fascinating that he will do it every single time that we meet).  And we're busy taking these moments for granted, praying for snow so bad we can't open our doors, and lying face to face whispering about the things that will come to be someday.  So if I seem distant or less than interested in activities or conversations it has nothing to do with the person, it's just simply me being in this bubble and not wanting it to pop ever.  And it's selfish because I can't make concrete plans and I don't want to always be out and about.  But selfish is okay.  Sometimes it's even necessary.  It doesn't mean I won't drop everything and come running to help if it were really needed it just means I'm really needed here right now.  And I hope I'm understood, and that no feelings get hurt, because I love those in my life.  It's just the season I'm in.