Breathless

Don't you just love mornings?  The time when the sky is that pale indigo and just ripe with the possibilities, the baseline of the horizon tinged with pink and orange and just a bit of yellow.  I can feel the hope just over that hill, that saving moments just around the curve of the path.

I feel like I've been treading water, running a marathon, unable to just pause and breathe and be.  All I can think of is doctor's appointments and if either my doctor, I or both of us are correct I'm going to be seeing a lot more doctors before this is all over.  And fine, whatever, I can handle it, it's the story of my life.  I spent my childhood in and out of E.R.'s because I had a bad tendency to need stitches from my antics and accidents, and then add in horrific scoliosis that meant 4 hour trips to the Shriner's Hospital in St. Louis.  Doctors don't scare me, there in comfort in knowing they at least probably know what they're doing.

But it's exhausting.  G is terrified, that possible word that sits there in his mind.  That fear that it might be worse, that there may be more to it.  I'm always the teasing optimist, he's always afraid he's about to lose me.  And no amount of reassuring from me is going to do, he wants to hear it's nothing from someone who can assure him he's going to keep getting to see grey hairs pop up on my head (he told me yesterday he finds them attractive.....great my husband's going to fall for a cougar at some point!). 

So right now I'm drinking the coffee I'm not sure I'm supposed to have today and breathing in the beauty of the morning, the friendly faces at this Starbucks that has soft, cushy seats where the pain in lessened and the music makes me able to get lost in myself and the beauty of a perfect indigo sky.