Monday, January 10, 2011


Today I found out that they didn't just think I had an ovarian cyst, they knew I did.  They just wanted it looked at some more.  When the woman doing the test informed me I had one I thought, whatever, okay, I'm sure we caught it early.  And then she tells me it's big and I don't know what that means, like a walnut?  She takes ultrasound captures and she tells me my doctor will check it out and let me know.  She's perplexed that I have no pain, no symptoms, but it is what it is.

Tonight at 5 my doctor calls and tells that it looks benign.  She too asks, double checking that I've had no pain.  She explains that on the MRI it showed up at 8-10 cm (that's 3.14-3.9 inches....larger than a regulation baseball).  Today it apparently was looking like 6 cm (2.36 inches, just slightly smaller than a baseball), but that the shrinking was a good sign and we'd monitor it.  I thought it was weird that they didn't seem to have a reason why I had this abnormal cyst (all women get ovarian cysts, it's a part of menstruation).  

So tonight I looked it up and there it was.  That they are extremely common with bulimics.  And for the first time in my life I blamed myself for something I know I had no say in.  Bulimia is associated with serotonin levels in the brain.  They think it's hereditary, the same way any other serotonin issues (such as depression) are.  But still I blamed myself.  I was so mad at myself for this disease which is now leading to other problems.  This thing I am exhausted by, that I spend every day fighting suddenly has me undergoing medical exams.  

I live with this every day.  There are times I can tell you exactly when it last affected me because it's been so long, and times when I can't tell you because the days stream together and I have no sense of time.  It just is.  It's been a part of my life so long I can't keep track.  But I'm healthy.  I eat all the right things, real foods.  Butter instead of making me ill now makes me smile.  I can run and not get immediately winded.  My heart doesn't pound all the time like it used to.  I have been slowly but surely regaining my life while acknowledging that there is no cure, just day by day successes.  

But today it hit me.  And I felt guilty, like I had chosen this when all the studies say I didn't and I can attest that I never made the choice to go down this path.  But here I am, and sometimes it's rocky, and sometimes it's all sunshine and bluebirds and self love.  Sometimes it's big cysts waking you up.

Did you know that it's common for people with eating disorders to consider not having children biologically?  I thought I was a freak, but apparently if I am, we should start our own circus show.  And then today happens and all I can see is the dream of a little boy like G slipping through fingers down the toilet.  It was an excellent call to remind me of what I could lose if I don't keep ignoring the urges.  I am not to blame, and I refuse to be another victim. 


  1. Oh honey. What a brave woman you are to deal with this, and share it with us readers. We all do things we regret, I too have done things in the past that I am now seeing the results to my body. But you are not another victim, and you are a strong inspirational woman who owns herself. I wish you much strength and a quickly shrinking cyst. <3

  2. Oh honey, I know this pain. I had cysts almost every other month when we were going through IVF treatment. I grew cysts better than eggs. And as you know, I was a bulimic too.
    You are not to blame and I admire your refusal to be a victim. You will overcome this--you have already overcome so much. So much success and so much to be proud of.
    HUGE HUGS to you!

  3. You are right, you are absolutely NOT to blame. But that is of course easier to say than to believe. You sound like you are processing this pretty well and bringing yourself back to what your heart knows is truth - not your fault. Not. Hang in there, I will be thinking about you.

  4. Dear Kalee,

    I've been quietly enjoying your blog for awhile now and haven't commented before, but I had to here. First, it sounds like your prognosis is as good as it can be; remember how common cysts are and that it is absolutely NOT your fault. Second, you have discussed "ignoring" your eating disorder, but have you considered seeing someone regarding it (a therapist?) I am recovering from a ten-year battle with bulimia and also try to have children, so I completely identify with what you're going through. The tools you learn in confronting your ED make it much easier to face the day-to-day struggle. Figuring out why something is going on can make it easier to cope with. I know I'm a total stranger and have no right to comment on your personal life, but just know that I'm pulling for you and your husband! And please keep up with the blog - it's refreshing to find other young women living high quality and chic lives!

  5. Kalee,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

    Guilt really is a useless emotion, especially in this situation. There's no going back to change the past. There's only lessons to learn from it.
    Focus on your health, your loved ones and positive thoughts now.

    Keep us posted.



  6. Thank you all for your kind comments.

    Courtney, I have seen a therapist about it at different times in my life. When I say I ignore it, it's because I believe that it's something I will live with for the rest of my life. I use coping mechanisms such as the way we keep food, my interest in cooking and learning about nutrition.

  7. Dear Kalee,

    I completely understand. (Actually, after I wrote my comment, I figured that you've probably already seen a therapist.) As someone in a similar situation, I've also found solace in cooking and adopting a more European lifestyle. Therapy is a must, but after awhile of struggling with an ED, you have to figure out the kind of lifestyle that works for you.

    Good luck, and I think you're doing a great job!

  8. Thank you for writing such a brave post about a very difficult topic. My thoughts are with you for strength, resilience, and good health.

  9. I am thinking of you! Just take care of yourself and don't ever feel guilty. We all make choices or have things happen to us and sometimes the consequences of those are things we never could have thought or dreamed of (both good and bad).

    Just focus on you and staying well in yourself.

    I am thinking of you! *hug*