Blame

Today I found out that they didn't just think I had an ovarian cyst, they knew I did.  They just wanted it looked at some more.  When the woman doing the test informed me I had one I thought, whatever, okay, I'm sure we caught it early.  And then she tells me it's big and I don't know what that means, like a walnut?  She takes ultrasound captures and she tells me my doctor will check it out and let me know.  She's perplexed that I have no pain, no symptoms, but it is what it is.

Tonight at 5 my doctor calls and tells that it looks benign.  She too asks, double checking that I've had no pain.  She explains that on the MRI it showed up at 8-10 cm (that's 3.14-3.9 inches....larger than a regulation baseball).  Today it apparently was looking like 6 cm (2.36 inches, just slightly smaller than a baseball), but that the shrinking was a good sign and we'd monitor it.  I thought it was weird that they didn't seem to have a reason why I had this abnormal cyst (all women get ovarian cysts, it's a part of menstruation).  

So tonight I looked it up and there it was.  That they are extremely common with bulimics.  And for the first time in my life I blamed myself for something I know I had no say in.  Bulimia is associated with serotonin levels in the brain.  They think it's hereditary, the same way any other serotonin issues (such as depression) are.  But still I blamed myself.  I was so mad at myself for this disease which is now leading to other problems.  This thing I am exhausted by, that I spend every day fighting suddenly has me undergoing medical exams.  

I live with this every day.  There are times I can tell you exactly when it last affected me because it's been so long, and times when I can't tell you because the days stream together and I have no sense of time.  It just is.  It's been a part of my life so long I can't keep track.  But I'm healthy.  I eat all the right things, real foods.  Butter instead of making me ill now makes me smile.  I can run and not get immediately winded.  My heart doesn't pound all the time like it used to.  I have been slowly but surely regaining my life while acknowledging that there is no cure, just day by day successes.  

But today it hit me.  And I felt guilty, like I had chosen this when all the studies say I didn't and I can attest that I never made the choice to go down this path.  But here I am, and sometimes it's rocky, and sometimes it's all sunshine and bluebirds and self love.  Sometimes it's big cysts waking you up.

Did you know that it's common for people with eating disorders to consider not having children biologically?  I thought I was a freak, but apparently if I am, we should start our own circus show.  And then today happens and all I can see is the dream of a little boy like G slipping through fingers down the toilet.  It was an excellent call to remind me of what I could lose if I don't keep ignoring the urges.  I am not to blame, and I refuse to be another victim.