It's Sunday. I missed Mass. I slept in after being on the computer with G until nearly 3:30 a.m. (my time). And then I woke up and quickly was talking to him because it was the end of his day. I got a text from a friend, ended up at Goodwill, where I picked up more vintage milk glass mixing bowls (let's just say I already have this exact set, but love them, so they're a welcome addition....I'm trying to wean out the ones I don't love), a little girl's silver brush (it looks like my grown up version, only tiny), and a Wedgewood ornament that is a British guard at a gate. And then we headed to coffee* and chatted for a bit about life, our religious/political views, and decorating. It was relaxing, I enjoy her company, and it's been an easy friendship so far.
And then I drove home. I have to say this: I miss my husband enormously. He is my rock. As much as he sorta worships the ground I walk on, he is the solid ground that keeps me from falling apart. We were up late last night discussing a few topics that were weighing on me. And I thank God for Skype, because having my husband to talk to when I need to has been amazing.
But the reality is, I'm a worrier, and I'm having a hard time letting go of worrying about upsetting people. I've prayed a lot about it, about where the line between being honest and biting one's tongue. Often when I do talk to them, I'm physically shaking. I've spent the last few years learning to express my opinions in as thoughtful a way as possible, learning to chic-ly bite my tongue when I need to.
And last night my husband, my phenomenal husband who is learning to lead me gently, says, "Will you saying anything change the situation?" I thanked him, because he's right. Usually when I say something, no matter to whom, it doesn't change their mind. Most people, myself included, have a hard time hearing that they might be wrong or that there is another option. And then we discussed how changing the opinion doesn't matter, but it was something I felt like my options were either say something and then let it go, or not say something but cut my ties for a while. Because I am not a person who can pretend I'm not thinking something, my face shows it, my voice changes, and I have to pull away from relationships to hide that until I no longer care.
I'm at difficult points in my life. I've chosen my life, and I love it for the most part. And I am slowly learning to defend it, and to speak up when I feel the need. But I miss having my husband to vent to when I can't think straight. There are basically 2 people in this whole world who really know most of my opinions who I completely trust, and one is in Iraq, and the other was working late at her lab last night (she does some sort of chemistry thing). It's teaching me a self-reliance that is good, but it sure is not restful!
*Yes, I gave up going out for coffee for Lent, with the reasoning being that it cost quite a bit and was a time waster I used when I didn't want to deal with cleaning/organizing the house. I spoke to my husband about it and we both agreed that since I already had gift cards to coffee, as long as I was using it as a time to connect with new friends (therefore making a home here in this city), and not simply to avoid responsibilities, then it was okay, because my intentions were right.
I have the same problem about the speaking what is on your mind thing, except I tend to say it. Sometimes putting my foot very far in my mouth.
ReplyDeleteFor the Lent record, I think Sundays are "feast days" in which you take a break from fasting. So your coffee detour wasn't wholly inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteIts taken me a decade (I'm 39) to stop sharing my opinion - unless I hear something completely insupportable (racism comes to mind). Closed-minded people, or people who are closed-minded about particular subjects, will not appreciate what you have to say, and you will be the only one is upset by it. One of Christ's parables' lessons is to not cast your pearls before swine. Remembering that always helps me to keep my mouth shut!
I've been thoroughly enjoying your blog, and completely understand your points on situations like these. I wrote something about it recently on my page, but I'll summarize it in case you find it helpful. When deciding to talk to someone, have your words pass through these 3 gates: What is true, what is necessary and what is kind. Preserving your well-being and staying true to the woman you want to be is important enough that if confronting someone else's problems may too greatly alter who you are, it may not be worth it. Being strong enough to walk away from someone when they're misbehaving may be enough of a reason for them to change, but it shouldn't impact who you are.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this. I'm glad you've got a good man to back you up when facing things like this.
Here's the link if you're at all interested. http://searchingforthegracefulmuse.blogspot.com/2011/02/three-gates.html