Split Decisions

I'm taking a break from the homemaking posts.  Though I continue to clean and organize, it was beginning to get a little dull for me to talk about.  The reality is I'm not superwoman, it's slow going, but I've formed new habits already.  So that about sums it up.

What I do want to talk about is how as a homemaker I'm having a moment of uncertainty in my own identity.  It feels almost like a split personality.  On one hand, I love to cook and bake and entertain, keep a neat and tidy house.  But the other part of me likes dark smudged eyes, high heels with leather jackets and to sit at a bar and have my husband act as if he doesn't know me and "pick me up."  (hey, if you've never tried it, it can be an amazingly good time!)

With the surprise of finding out we were pregnant it felt as if my well laid plans were suddenly gone in a pouf of smoke, while the idea that I needed to be Super Homemaker came to the forefront.  I feel a bit like Alice trying to find my feet because while we're thrilled at the idea of finally having a child, we both have admitted it felt like suddenly things were changing without our consent.

My nightmare is ending up looking a hot mess driving a mini van (it's a strict rule in our home that we will never own one of those contraptions), my world revolving around play dates and soccer games.  We spend a lot of time discussing balance, not being overly focused on our children, keeping our marriage near the top of the list.  But there are grey areas.  Does the sparkly mini skirt I had hoped to rock at New Years this year have to be struck from the list forever?  (clearly after giving birth it's out for this year.)  Do we have to suddenly succumb to cozy furniture and put away all the breakables?  What about enjoying a glass or two of wine with dinner while breastfeeding? (I've been told it's fine to have one, that very little makes it's way into your milk, for the record.)

I want to be an amazing mom.  But more importantly a great wife.  And even higher than that, I need to feel like I'm being me, a woman.  I've heard people say it's selfish and fine, that may be your opinion.  I'm okay with being called selfish... we all need to accept that a bit.  It doesn't mean I'll be any less wonderful as a mother, but it does mean I won't always put my children first (from a Christian standpoint, you're not even supposed to).

So, that's what has been on my mind as of late.  Balancing practicality and family responsibility with being myself and not feeling trapped.  I gave up on the idea of Paris for now, but could we compromise and head to the South of France?  Decisions, decisions.