I've written 4 posts before this one for today. One is a goofy one about Max (he decided that not getting any of my lunch yesterday was cause to hide behind the headboard and smack my head...he did this twice). And the other 3 are about cleaning and organizing and the baby and all a bit...raw. Sometimes, even in the blogging community where it's expected we're more open, it's hard to be bare.
So I thought I'd sum everything up in snippets because it's what I can handle right now.
*I'm amazed that I've maintained my health this whole pregnancy. That if anything, I have found a new appreciation for my body and what it can withstand. Today is a painful day, my hip joint hurts, my lower back feels like I'm being stabbed thanks to twisting, tossing and turning all night, but I still choose to be happy that I'm being allowed to carry a child when I had become afraid that wasn't going to happen.
*My eating disorder isn't "cured" since there isn't one. I still occasionally think, "Wow, that was a lot" but now it's followed with surprise that I don't care. I'm not in control of so many things right now, and this disorder is all about control, so I'm shocked that I've managed to figure out ways to keep calm and just keep moving. This might be more difficult when I'm no longer pregnant, but I'm remaining positive.
*I've spent years angry at G for his lack of help with the house, while refusing to acknowledge that yes, the way he was raised (non-organizational) was an issue for us, but that my laziness was too. I've since apologized and we've both found a surprising amount of pleasure in the hard work we've been doing. A comfort in the routines we've formed. We're still working to set up other routines, but it's looking more and more likely that our home will be how we want it before Miss E gets here. And the best part is that there have been no blowups the entire time he's been home..minor disagreements, but nothing that wasn't over in a few minutes, with lots of hugs.
*It's odd to feel both beautiful and not so chic all at the same time. Right now my ability to even get pants on is laughable, and G does actually laugh watching me try to bend what has become a more slender body over this huge protrusion on my front. From the back you still can't tell I'm pregnant, but from the front and sides it's comically round. We're taking some shots at a local park soon, so I'll be able to show you better this phenomenon. But it leaves me unable to move about easily because I feel like I'm not pregnant, but I have this thing that is always getting in the way!
*It's nice to have moments of quiet amid the chaos with the house. G has now read 2 books to Miss E (Charlotte's Web and Bunnicula), and will be starting on a third tonight. We've actually chosen a name, but are keeping it quiet because it's been nice to just be able to talk to her using it, and have it be our private thing for now. Usually I can't keep secrets, but so far I've only told one midwife when we were discussing old fashioned names. I'm excited to finally tell people once she's here and the story behind how we decided upon it (we think it's kind of cool), but for now it's nice to know it's something that is our little 3 Musketeers secret.
*Overall, I thought that during our first 4 years of marriage I was happiest because I had finally felt safe to be who I am....the Francophile nice dressing but cooking from scratch contradiction. But the problems with our marriage caused me a lot of heartache. I can now say I have never in my life been happier than where I am at, in my relationship, in my home, in my acceptance of who I am. And the good thing is that I expect that to only continue to get better as we go along!