Monday, April 9, 2012

Bulimia and Baby Part 3

I want to begin this post by saying that these experiences are my own, and in no way reflect how it will or will not happen for others. 

Bulimia Nervosa.  Last year I was gazing down the reality that I had been dealing with it for over half my life, and there was a sorrow to that.  A deep fear that this was just going to be my life, and that I was going to have to continue to come up with coping mechanisms, such as keeping minimal amounts of easily prepared food in the house.  If I am to be entirely honest I should say it was bad.  That even up until my pregnancy there has never been more than a month (and that was rare) in 13 years that I hadn't binged and purged, and usually it was a daily occurrence.  For more than 13 years of my life.  When I said I was okay, it was generally a lie, even to myself.  My husband feared it.  I denied it.  It was a such a part of my life that I couldn't tell you accurately whether I had or I hadn't because it was as normal to me as drinking a glass of water. 

Then I got pregnant.  And I was in my car driving and promising to this life inside me that I was going to protect them, even if it was from myself.  So I just assumed that it was some sort of maternal willpower that kept me healthy during my pregnancy.  That maybe my lack of any appetite for the first 5-6 months made it almost easy the last months. 

Instead, here I am, 4 1/2 months after giving birth.  And after long discussions with G, I strongly feel that I no longer have bulimia.  At all.  My hypothesis is that since bulimia is a mental disorder correlated with serotonin levels, which is a hormone, and that pregnancy drastically messes with your hormone levels, that as if by magic, my serotonin levels leveled out.  The thoughts no longer haunt me.  The urges just aren't there.  In fact, I got ill from food one night and it was difficult to be sick.  I obviously have the history that if I wanted to deal with stress by binging and purging I could.  I can be honest that I tried to use that option one particularly stressful night and found it no longer really works for me.

I say this not to brag, because in fact I'm incredibly cautious about talking about it...almost afraid I'll jinx myself and it will return.  But because I do want to offer hope to someone who may be afraid of pregnancy.  I remember reading eating disorder books that discussed the fear of pregnancy because of the loss of control (something deeply tied to the trigger of an eating disorder), and realizing that was me. 

I do have some fears that a second pregnancy will cause it to return.  That my hormones will swing and I'll end up back in that hell.  But for now, I can honestly say that bulimia is no longer a part of my life.  And that while I may be attempting to lose weight, I'm for once doing it slowly, by walking and eating healthy portions.  Life is truly good and I am grateful every day for my freedom from that. 


  1. Such good news...It sounds like you are out of the woods. Must be all that joy in your life :)

  2. Hi Sounds like you're in a good place.
    I have a question. I've always enjoyed reading your past posts. With your new makeover, I'm unable to search for older posts. Am I just missing it.?

  3. you have me in tears... Blessings to you and your family!

  4. I have never read an article nor a post on this topic. The question of what pregnancy is like or would be like for someone who is bullimic is rarely discussed, not to mention it's written from an author with first hand experience with it.

    I don't have anything to add really, just that I appreciate this post so much! I feel I have ended my negative relationship with food but I still can recognize that this is such an important read.