Life lately has felt like one trial after another. Our new car gets hit while parked in front of our home and needs work that will take a week to a week and a half. Garret has meetings that run late, mandatory study sessions for some test at work, and this is all occurring during a week where Nora is teething and sleeping fitfully because of it (a.k.a. not so great naps). It feels like I'm constantly with Nora and never see G and it's exhausting.
And I'm beyond frustrated. The house isn't getting cleaned and organized like I want to. G and I are having words over it. And I just want a vacation. To top it all off, yesterday we were so late to a lunch thing with our group at church that they'd already eaten. And we're new and it's awkward and just overwhelming. So I spent last night out of it, just distracted and introverted....bad enough that G kept asking if everything was okay. He wants me to start taking better care of me, to take time for me, and I laugh because I don't have time to think much less take a day to relax.
But you know what? That's life. It's messy. And I feel guilty complaining when I know how blessed my life is. My daughter who I thought I'd never have wakes up in the mornings absolutely delighted to see my face. She's begun leaning forward (in G's arms) to sort of fall into my arms when I hold them out. My husband who drives me batty and is as imperfect as I am is as active a parent with E as he can be. And he loves me even when I'm in a tizzy.
I don't want to raise a daughter sheltered from anything bad or uncomfortable. I want her to see the mess, to know that life is a tangled disaster half the time, and learn to not be a perfectionist like me. I want her to know that life goes on, even when it feels like it won't.
So I've whined enough. It's time to act like my midwestern background and pull myself up by the bootstraps and just move on. It's not the end of the world. My family is safe and happy. And I guess if friends don't like me when I'm a mess, then they aren't good friends. I need to stop worrying so much! So I'm going to pour a big mug of coffee, work on getting the bathroom neat and tidy and breathe a little.
How do you deal with stress?
Just wanted to say that I really like your latests posts. Where you talk about how life is about, good or bad.
ReplyDeleteI am sure things will get easier. You do have the ability to enjoy good things when they come along!
When your done with your bathroom want to come do mine ;) Well and have that vacation your talking about. I second the no time for yourself it is hard.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI read your posts and can hear the frustration--I know how you are feeling.
Why don't you try this: re-adjust your expectations.
If you can accomplish one task a day, have one good meal every day, take a nice walk every day, then you've accomplished a lot for someone who is taking care of a new baby.
I have no idea if it's within your budget, but, could you consider getting someone to help with the housework, maybe twice a month? I know, it's a HUGE indulgence, but it might help you get over this rough patch. Your house would be clean a few times a month and that might take some of the burden off of you.
You're doing a wonderful job . . .
Try not to worry, it will get better. I felt like my life was over the entire first year I had my daughter. My daily shower felt like a major indulgence. I could not wait until my husband came home from work every day to give me a break. Also, no one warned me about the mental strain (worry) that having a child would bring. All that said, motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me, it made me prioritize what truly are the good things in life (materialism dematerialized!). It sounds like you are an excellent mother, and please know the first year is the hardest. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete