My first year as a mother was wrought with second guessing myself as a person vs myself as a mother. I tried really hard to throw myself into the whole mothering thing, but felt lost in the identity as "Nora's mama." I didn't always take care of myself. I'd skip meals without realizing, having focused so much on getting her fed. I lost sleep and, while totally normal, it began to take a toll on me. And I tried so hard to be selfless and think about myself less that I sort of swung too hard that way.
I'd buy her clothes, but wouldn't buy myself any. I made sure she was getting the stimulation she needed (books, colorful toys, etc), but too often zoned out in front of reality t.v. rather than take the time to read a book I wanted to get to. Basically, I lost sight of who I was in an attempt to be a good mama. I never became that overly involved, obsessive mama, but I let who I was slip away too much.
In thinking about it, I realized that if I continued, I would not only be unhappy, but would be doing a disservice to Nora. I don't want her growing up thinking I'm just there to be her mama. I feel very strongly that she needs to see that I have interests of my own, that I take care of myself, and that I am a woman before I am her mother. Some would disagree, but it's my stance and I'm sticking to it.
So this year a lot of my resolutions/goals have to do with me. Not crafting. Not cooking (though health goals always have something to do with cooking). They have to do with me finally slimming back down. Me taking fun classes I want to take. Me taking the time to read more. Me saying no to some situations that aren't healthy. And basically just to live better.
It feels selfish. Self-centered. And I'm okay with that. I still am Mama 90% of the time because she's little and needs me. But I don't want to lose sight of who I am just because this period has me having to balance my roles more carefully. The best way she'll learn to live well is by watching me do it.