My biggest rant lately has been this: every time I see acquaintances out (most recently at our next door neighbor's birthday party) I have these women gasping over me and telling me I am getting so tiny.
(This is the night of the party, and this was one of the better pics. Others tended to show more of a belly, but for accuracy of the way they saw me I chose this one.)
The thing is, I'm not tiny, not in the least bit (I will explain that in a sec), so I am not sure whether to be offended or not. On one hand, obviously it's great that others think I look great. On the other hand, it kind of makes you feel like you looked huge and horrible before. I had put on weight after getting married I was not even close to being at my heaviest. So while yes, I've lost a decent amount since my highest here, it shouldn't be so awe-inspiring. It's kind of been a blow for me, and hard for me to comprehend.
(this is an outfit I recently wore because it's sweltering here and I needed something cool.)
You see, I'll be blatantly honest here. I am still a size 14 and staying strong at between 174 and 176 lbs. Now, I will admit all of my size 14's fit either perfectly or loose and I have plans to go down to a 12 (which of course I am hella excited about because quite frankly I cannot ever remember being this size). But I don't think I even come close to being "tiny." In fact, on a bad day I still feel huge. I think sometimes I let the numbers get to me, because I know on good days that I am looking pretty damn good.
Yesterday G and I were out and about and I bought a yellow cardigan on clearance for I think 8 dollars. I like the color yellow, but because of my skin, I tend to avoid it since the wrong yellow can really make me look bad. But this is a beautiful yellow, so I bought it. And when we got home I threw on a tulip dress that I pulled up into a tunic and threw on the cardigan to show G. He took a pic for me so I could see what I looked like (excuse my dead look, I needed to shower because it's humid like no other over here and I was exhausted).
The thing is, in this picture I look smaller than I imagine I look. ( in fact I was kind of shocked by the way I look in the pic, but G assures me it's pretty damn accurate) But I know I've also learned how to stand to look my best, so this is not the most accurate depiction of myself. So while I look vastly smaller, I'm not really. And I do wonder what these girls thought of me before if they went on for a bit about how thin I look. I can admit I do carry my weight well, I lose it and gain it evenly over my entire body. But this sort of "thin praise" can actually leave a person with a sour taste in their mouth.
Do I want to be smaller? Of course I do. My end goal is to be at a healthy normal weight for my height and structure, which is somewhere between 145-155. So I'm 20-30 lbs away and want to get there within the next couple of years. G wants to have kids somewhere in there, so chances are I will have to fight to lose baby weight to get there, but I will get there. I think I look good now, the end goal is more about being healthy and being able to live longer. I've been doing push-ups (something I am embarrassed about since I used to knock them out like no other and now if I can do 10-15 in a row I am ecstatic!). I've been attempting to run. And we tend to eat healthy.
Okay, gotten off track. I guess what I am wondering is if I'm the only one who finds it somewhat offensive when a group of acquaintances gush over how great you are looking, in a way that makes you feel you were a troll before? Am I over reacting? I handled it graciously, I think, but inside I was all sorts of feeling confused.
I don't think I have ever commented on your blog before, but I have to say I feel you on this one!! My absolute favorite is when people I know tell me I look thinner (I never get the tiny or thin) and have I lost weight when I am absolutely the same I was before. Then it just makes me feel stupid. How do you answer that?? Oh yeah, I totally haven't lost a pound since I last saw you??
ReplyDeleteI understand the wanting to feel good about it but sort of feeling confused. When I have lost weight and people gush I am the same way. Was I so bad before? How much more should I lose before I am acceptable? I just try to let it roll off my back and handle it with as much grace as I can. I know they are trying to be nice, so I try to just take it as a compliment.
And I am with you in the size department, I cannot remember the last time in my life I was not in "double digits" - I am at about a 16 right now and still working to try to decrease that and be more healthy.
For the record, I think you look great now and did before as well. I am all for losing weight for health though, and babies do mess with you on that but when I gained with my daughter I knew it was necessary and good for her (and I only gained about 20 pounds, which is pretty normal). So try to remember the baby needs you to when you get to that point.
Sorry this got so long! I enjoy the blog, keep it up!! :)
You look to be about the same height and build as me, I get the same thing all the time. I think alot of the comments are based on the clothes you are wearing, certain outfits makes you look thinner then others. Don't look at it as a bad thing just look at it as the compliment it is supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this - I remember writing a comment on your post ages ago (3 December 2008?) about it. Like you, I was surprised on the number of people who commented or reacted to my weight loss. Sure, I looked different - but I didn't think I was that different!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I wondered did I look so bad before? I sometimes think that (as women) we are conditioned by society to always look for the bad - so if we get compliment now, we must have looked bad before. If someone compliments another person, but not us, they must look better than me etc and other silly mind games that don't let us accept a positive comment.
I also think that we live in a society that allows/encourages for praise for losing weight or being thin. So if you do lsoe weight, people feel they can mention it and think you will be pleased by the comment - but of course the opposite would never occur!
At the time I wrote that comment back in December I was still trying to work through how and what I should feel. 6 months on I am confident enough with my new weight and have decided I cannot care. It is what I think that is important - so if I think I look nice, then (compliments or not) I LOOK NICE! If I get a compliment on my weight I say thankyou and don't engage in more discussion about it. I used to say thankyou and talk about it - as I thought it was rude not too, but now for my own sanity I don't bother. I found that discussing it made me tear myself up inside about it - what did they think I looked like before, are they judging me now etc - now I think that that is their problem and I won't let myself or my mind be caught up in that!
J
Well I've known you quite a while and I must say that you do look rather fabulous in your pictures and like everyone else has said, just take it all in as a compliment!
ReplyDeleteWhat I typically notice when I have a friend or someone who is losing weight, is never actually the weight loss (unless it's very dramatic). What I notice is the way they present themselves. They hold themselves better, they have a more positive attitute, they glow a little and typically wear more flattering clothes. I know that when I have been on an exercising kick and have been eating healthy it definitely shows up in the way I feel. I may not weigh an oz different but boy do I feel better! I bet that has a lot to do with it.
So you should feel proud of taking care of your body, which is way more important than weight. So if people notice it, let that boost your self confidence a little more! Thank goodness for being healthy and happy! Good job girl and keep it up! (Sorry so long and rambly).
I get the "you've lost weight" a lot even when I haven't. It always wonders how the person imagines me in their head and makes me a bit grumpy.
ReplyDeleteI think I prefer people saying I look great rather than commenting on my weight. It is too triggering for me and brings out the ED monster that hides in my head just waiting to hear something that can get him going.
I love the yellow sweater on you. You look radiant, gorgeous and beautiful no matter the size or number on the scale.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments! I think I was being hard on myself since I had been up for 28 hours, taken a 2 hour nap and then headed to the party, so understandably I didn't look my best.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree, losing weight can help you seem more confident. But I'm with La Balette....it's definitely a wiser choice to tell someone they look great than they look thin. It at least leaves them with the idea that they're having a good hair/outfit/je ne sais quoi day.