Lighter

First I want to thank those who contacted me after yesterday's post.  Turns out I'm not the only one to experience this miracle!

Heavy stuff this week so far, so we're changing gears to talk about one of my favorite things: food.  In order to lose the last few dozen pounds, I've been having us eat a whole ton more of veggies.  I know that it's pretty normal to eat more hearty fare in the winter; and we ate a ton of soups/stews and roasts.  But now that it's warm out we've been eating salad for almost every meal.

The best piece of advice I ever read on a blog about food was this: to make a salad from whatever you ate the night before.  So we've done that, using bbq beef with onions and peppers on salad.  And we also prepared food specifically for salad, like roasted chicken, and fajitas (beef steak with onions and peppers).  Sometimes we use dressing, sometimes other toppings like bbq sauce or salsa.  I'm looking forward to whipping up a batch of hummus to use as a dressing soon.  To get some carbs in I've been baking/roasting potato chunks in the oven (leaving the skin on for the nutrients!) and then at the end melting pepperjack cheese on them.  Delicious!

I will say that I love veggies, so that helps.  For instance, my lunch usually consists of a lot of greens piled with cucumbers, tomatoes, red onion, red pepper, a pile of carrot sticks (I just slice up a bunch of carrots and keep them in the fridge).  Then I top with protein and carbs and add in a side of fruit or maybe roasted broccoli.

I understand that this might be more difficult if you have issues with vegetables.   However, my best advice is kinda harsh:  suck it up and get over it.  I used to loathe bell peppers and onions, and now eat them in most things!  It took me sitting down with G, talking about nutrition and deciding we were both going to eat these no matter whether we liked them or not.  They have amazing nutrients, so it was just how it was going to be.

So far, eating lighter and walking all the time has helped a ton.  I'm currently wearing a pair of jeans I hadn't worn since G left last year.  With our CSA starting up the beginning of June, and the farmer's markets full of brightly colored local produce, this summer should be pretty easy to eat super healthy to jump start this whole process.

Now I need to work on getting down on the floor and doing pushups and (sadly, thanks to having a baby) crunches.  I need to tone up as I slim down to avoid too much jiggle!

Are you looking forward to eating lighter during the warm months?  Have any tasty salad combinations? 

An Epidemic Causing Another

I don't accept any sort of new idea when it comes to eating.  "Low Carb." "Sugar free." "Fat Free."  Those labels on foods both crack me up and make me sad.  Of course beef jerky is "low carb"... I wasn't exactly looking for my daily amount there.  Sugar free generally indicates a faux sugar.  The amount of people I know who drink diet coke makes me want to throw up. The aspartame has been found to decompose into a variety of fun things such as formaldehyde at a lower temp than your body is at.  No, it's not funny.  No, I don't get the jokes about it making you well preserved, because last time I checked, it's a poison.

I eat bread.  And potatoes (which with the skin are full of nutrients).  And pasta.  Oh, and even white rice (generally basmati).  Carbs will not kill you, in fact there is a reason they continue to be one of the most important food groups.  It is about balance.  Healthy carbs.  Not Iron Kids Bread (which has an ingredient list as long as my arm and which G freaks out over because "it's squishy."), but choosing whole grains bread.  Bread really only should have certain ingredients in it: some sort of flour (generally enriched makes me irritated as if you were eating healthy it wouldn't need to be), possibly grains, yeast, sugar or honey, water, butter, and salt.  If it has additional things, you probably shouldn't be eating it.  I've seen bread with preservative go bad quicker than anything I've made homemade.  Why?  Because while mine may dry out a bit (then it gets used for toast), it usually doesn't have anything to go bad as long as we actually eat it.

Portion sizes with carbs have a lot to do with this issue.  If we're eating things like pasta or potatoes I don't serve bread at the table as a general rule of thumb.  In courses, there might be a slice of baguette with soup.  But outside of that, I just don't.  Pasta shouldn't be the main part of a meal.  I understand that goes against the grain, but it's the truth.  A small portion of it with protein and veggies is what you should be having.  I've seen guys who can pack away in less than half an hour enough pasta to feed 3-4 people.  It's disturbing.  Same goes for potatoes.  When we make roasted potatoes we each get 4-6 small potatoes.  When we do baked potatoes, we either choose smaller potatoes or we split a larger one.  A serving of mashed potatoes is about the size of a larger scoop of ice cream.  (and for the love of all that is good about food, please use real things in your mashed potatoes, not nickel laced margarine!)

** I would like to interject here that I know athletes who carb load and that is an entirely different thing.  They're packing their bodies with a fuel for a grueling workout on their body.  The average person should not be carb loading.**

Fat free also amuses me.  I eat a lot of fat free or low fat: it's called fruits, veggies...and yes, sugar.  But I also eat a lot of normal fats.  Butter, coconut oil, lard...these all have a place in my home.  I drink whole milk (I balked at first when G wanted to buy it, but now even 2 percent tastes off to me).  What it comes down to is where you are getting your fats.  Butter spread on toast in the morning? Yum and good for you (as long as you're not eating crap bread, but that's another matter).  Deep fried twinkie? Not so good (okay, flat out bad).  Does it mean you should never eat that deep fried twinkie? (well, I find plain twinkies gross, so I'm a bad judge).  No, it doesn't... but it should be a once a year oddity at the fair sort of thing.

Now, sugar.  Hmm.  I understand there are people who get addicted to it and have to basically cut it out as much as possible for health reasons.  I also understand that there is a big difference between occasionally indulging in a delicious, rich, well made dessert and someone who has to have a hostess cupcake every afternoon.  If you find you have a problem with sugar, then yes, you need to cut it out.  But not by substituting faux sugars that your body doesn't recognize as sugar, so when you eat any real sugar it stores it as fat (which for the record is what scientists discovered is happening).  You're better off just cutting sweet things out, and letting your body slowly get back to a place where it recognizes "sweet" as a taste with more normal things, such as fruit or dark chocolate.  I love sweets... it's just the things I find sweet may not be what you find sweet.  In baking, try to slowly cut back the amount of sugar recommended.

Our country (and now others) keeps coming up with b.s. like these, only to see obesity rates rise.  There are a lot of contributing factors to this (including eating like you move a lot during the day when in fact you sit behind a desk), but I do think that the correlation has more to do with diet (as that has more to do with weight than exercise).

What's your take on it?

Needing An Update

This was me on Saturday:

My hair has no shape and no body.  Sure, it's easier to pull back and manage.  But seriously?  I need to make a hair appointment.  I think I'm skipping the bangs (since in the summer heat it's too easy for them to get all gross) and going with some long layers.  I've had to cancel 2 appointments for hair over the last 5 months and it's been driving me batty.  I think I'm calling in the morning to set something up for next week.

I also have been a lazy dresser lately.  Usually jeans and a black tee with a necklace or a pretty scarf worn as one.  So Saturday I mustered up a little bit of sense and threw on the green dress, a long beaded necklace, my black leather jacket and black boots.  My feet were killing me at the end of the day but damn if I didn't make it through a lunch at the local Chinese restaurant, tramping around IKEA and searching through Good Will for any finds.  It was the first time I wore anything but flats in forever and I think my foot was both relieved to be in something pretty, but exhausted by the end of it.

I really need to organize my closet and figure out what I need to go shopping for.  This summer I will be all about dresses and cute skirts.  But I need to find some comfortable sandals to go with, since the Banana Republic ones I bought almost two years ago on super clearance (I think they were $5) kill my toes within 5 seconds.  If you've found any great comfortable sandals let me know.  I'm looking for some wedge sandals and some gladiator sandals. 

We all go through slumps.  It just takes realizing it to get out of our doldrums and do something about it.

Oh, and I've been asked about the weight loss.  Honestly it's been the simple formula of eat a more healthy rounded diet full of fruits, veggies, good proteins (not necessarily lean), whole grains, natural fats (a.k.a. not margarine or canola oil.....things like butter, olive oil, coconut oil), and plenty of water and whole milk.  I still drink upwards of 6 cups of coffee in one sitting, with sugar and cream.  And I haven't even seen the gym since G left.  It's about finding movement in your day to day....parking further away from a store, taking more stairs, going for walks with friends.  And getting more sleep helps as well!

Cooking For One Update

With G having been gone a month I'm quite proud of how much actual cooking I've done on my own.  From quiches to tarts, from roasted chicken to pizza, and let's not forget from scratch cinnamon rolls and French chocolate cake.  I don't say this to brag (though I am proud of myself) but to say that it can be done.  And I can tell you that it is entirely worth the effort!

Last week I decided to make tacos, or actually a burrito bowl, using the roasted chicken breast I had frozen.  While that was defrosting I mixed up a batch of salsa.  Then it was onto beginning the cilantro-lime rice.  While that was cooking I put a can of spicy black beans on the stove to slowly heat up.

About this time I realized that I was out of taco seasoning.  No worries, I looked up a recipe and made my own.  The chicken went into a skillet with about a cup of water and plenty of taco seasoning and I cooked that until the water was gone.

While those are all going I go ahead and make up a corn and red onion salsa with cilantro and lime.  (I LOVE cilantro!).  And I shred about 2 Tbsp. of a Wisconsin cheddar, enough for 2 meals.  I chop up a tomato and get out the sour cream and I am good to go to create this:

And while I worried it'd be easy to put on weight the first month he was gone because of loneliness, I've actually lost weight.  Still haven't been to the gym, still haven't weighed myself.  However, my clothes are looser.  I'm going to say it's probably that I've been trying to make meals healthy that stretch, I've been out having coffee and walking with friends, and I go up and down 2 flights of stairs at least 6 times a day (and sometimes upwards of 20).  On top of that I've been making it a point to get plenty of sleep.  Sure that meant this morning I forgot to take the recycle out, but eh....it was worth it.

From My Board

**I am on a French Chic board on Yahoo.  I have enjoyed the women there, and actually that's how I got some readers and met other bloggers.  However, I noticed that there seemed to be some anti-American thoughts when it came to food and I felt the need to respond.  After writing it and reading it, I decided I felt strongly enough about it that I've decided to post it here as well.**

I will be the first to stand up and say I sometimes over-generalize statements about Americans.  I'm a Francophile, Europhile, whatnot, and I know that things can be different.  However, I'm a little disturbed by our tendency as Francophile to over-generalize to the point that it comes across as all Americans  eat too much, are too lazy to walk anywhere, and don't eat enough of the "right" foods.

I'm an American.  Born and raised.  I've been lucky enough to have lived in Europe and to have at my younger age already done some extensive traveling around the world.  I've studied different cultures, both European and Asian and I have seen things that I think we as a country have seemed to have lost a bit.  But I'm also seeing studies showing that these same countries I admire, with every generation, are having just as much trouble as we are, though they're late to the game.

France and Italy both have more fast food, more cars, and more sugary drinks and desserts.  They're all seeing obesity levels rise.  Pretty much every major industrialized country is beginning to discuss how to change things as our health is beginning to fail at earlier ages.  A big problem in not just our country seems to be government protected/subsidized things like corn products.  As well as the fact that we as a world need to slow down and stop trying to be everywhere all the time.  Eating in your car seems like the only option when the only time you're at home is to sleep for a few hours.  But we've created a rat race that no one can win. 

I think it's incredibly important to eat smaller, more proportionate meals, taking our time to enjoy them.  We need to remember that vitamins and minerals come from things like fruit, vegetables, real meat and whole grains, not from a pill bottle.  And we need to learn to move more and start fighting for the right to not be sitting behind a desk so many hours of the day.  However, I'm hearing these same things from France and Italy.  And having lived in the U.K. I can assure you that we are not the only country who needs to put down the constant fried chicken and move more.  My husband and I actually got used to seeing overweight British people everywhere.  Not obese to the extent here in the U.S......yet.  But it's coming if we don't all begin taking our lives into consideration as a priority over cheap food and "getting our money's worth."

So, I don't mean to upset the apple cart, but it has become something I've noticed and was bothering me.  How can we support one another, American women (and yes, I know there are non-Americans as well), and just women in general, if we're saying, "well, Americans just eat badly.  They don't know how to eat right."  If that is the case, then perhaps it's time we step up and go out into our communities.  Volunteer to teach a class at a public space (like a school) on healthy, delicious foods proportioned correctly.  I think if we beat ourselves down it will be harder to get back up.  And as a world, we need to get back up.

**Yes, I do believe as a country we've been self-indulgent for far too long.  But just speaking negatively about our country's food habits isn't getting change made.  We need to be more active in our own health, and slowly expand that outward.**

Oh Hey There

I haven't weighed in for weeks.  Haven't been to the gym.  We're supposed to go either tonight or tomorrow because I want my teal nail polish and I want it bad.  So I'll be off to see if I've lost 5 lbs.  I guess because I'm so uber casual about this I just don't care.  I've reached this odd point where I know that I can lose the weight if I want.  And since cooking for one is easy as fish, veggie, potato this should be simple.  So I'm not stressing about this while we prepare G for deployment.

But what I find hilarious is that I'll look and notice, hmm, my thighs are more flat.  And I won't have noticed because I've stopped looking so much.  I'll ask G and he'll smile at me like, "Yes, you silly little fool." and say yes, they have.  I'm usually so obsessive that I think he's a little startled that I haven't noticed.  However, amusingly enough, I've been more obsessed with his weight.  G doesn't like to waste time in the mornings eating breakfast when he could be snuggling with me, and unfortunately lately neither of us has had a huge appetite so I've noticed he's gotten too thin.  I've challenged him to put on muscle weight while he's gone, and we've talked about how to deal with chow hall choices.  We've even discussed what condiments and spices he wants me to send to help with food.  And he'll be telling me what they have so I can come up with ways to tweak it better.  It sounds odd, but other than being away from me, the only thing he is dreading is the food. 

I'm excited to see the weight come off over the time he's gone.  My biggest goal is to have changed just enough that he won't recognize me.  I've told him I think it will be fun to sit at the airport and watch him look for me.  He won't be reading this blog, so he won't know what's going on, but you my dear friends and readers will!  I will be posting about the weight coming off.  As well as some other fun things.  I'm considering getting extensions put in for some more body/volume, dying my hair, eyelash extensions, etc.  And while I edit my wardrobe I'll be sharing the process I've chosen to use, and how well it's working.  The end goal is to be healthy and happy so that G and I can continue this amazing life we've finally begun living again.  (Oh, and to be sexy as hell when he comes home.  A girl's gotta look good for her returning airman!)

And I'm curious....if you could try one new/crazy beauty idea, what would it be?  Fire engine red hair?  A super chic bob?  Crystal studded eyelashes? 

Step by Step

I've been trying to update the tally of running on the sidebar soon after I've done anything, and today I was proud to say I have run over 20 miles these last 8 months.  Definitely not as much as I wanted to, but after yesterday I am positive these next 4 months are going to be a breeze.  

I did a mile on the treadmill yesterday without stopping.  I know for some this is no huge feat, but lately with my feet I haven't been able to keep running the whole mile, I usually have to switch up running with brisk walking.  So there I was and I told myself I could stop at half a mile and get a drink (I get super parched running) but instead was able to signal G to pause his treadmill and run me over his bottle of water (which he doesn't drink while running).  I would have done more than a mile, but I made it to a mile, stopped to stretch and made a huge error when I bent over to reach behind my calves and stretch.....my heart rate dropped too quickly, I got lightheaded and then had to run off to be ill.  

I nearly thought that was the end of my little workout, as I came out and realized all the treadmills were taken.  I spent a few minutes torturing G by bumping up the speed on his treadmill (I tend to play trainer when I go with him).  But then I thought, "I'm bored, where next?"  I jumped on a stair climber and did 14 flights of stairs quickly until my thighs began to burn.  And finally an elliptical opened up and I jumped on and did a half mile on that before G finished his 5K.  

How did I get through such a *grueling* workout?  (hey, it was a little grueling!)  I decided that since I put on about, ahem, 10 lbs recently that it was time to finally drop this last 40-45.  And what better way to do it than while running envision a list of items I could purchase as I hit different markers.  The list is most definitely not finished (I'm rewarding myself every 5 lbs), but this might actually be fun!  First up, once I've lost the first 5 lbs. is an OPI nail polish (I'm thinking the Ski Teal We Drop I've been stalking).  I'm hoping to have that by February 1.  We'll see.  The end goal is the green silk dress, but I told G that I'm not splurging on that until I've lost everything and maintained it for 2 months (I'm an excellent maintainer, but I want to make sure the weight loss is the right weight for my body).  

Have you ever tried a rewards program in increments like this?  I'm actually pretty dang motivated right now, and after yesterday I'm confident that I can begin running a few miles every time I'm at the gym, coupled with pushups and weights done at home.  I see some new JBrand jeans and Agent Provacateur pretties in my future!

Weighing My Options

I am in the process of attempting to shed what I believe is a final 20-30 lbs. of weight off of my frame.  It's tough, because I love butter.  But I am reminding myself I can still eat everything I already do, just nipping in a bit here and there.  Perhaps one pat of butter instead of three sort of thing.  I'm hoping to welcome G back home next summer looking a bit different, and my figure would be the main part of that.  

Back in September I mentioned that I threw out my scale.  And honestly, I haven't missed it.  I haven't even weighed myself at the gym.  Which leads to the problem that while I know my body is different....I have no idea my weight, and so can't really set goals for myself based on pounds (and let's just say it's gonna be a lot easier to lose 5 lbs. for a goal than a whole size).  So G and I have been discussing the possibility of buying a digital scale to weigh in on.  It would be kept in the guest bathroom for the whole "out of sight out of mind aspect" that I need.  The only other option is to weight myself at the gym on their scales and honestly, hope it's not TMI, but I'd rather weigh myself naked than in my sweat drenched workout clothes. 

The problem is now that I've decided I want and can handle a scale that there seems to be a million choices for which one.  I don't need anything fancy.  I really don't feel the need to know my body fat percentage or whatever.  Just a simple digital scale that will give me my weight accurately.  A lot of reviews seem to have issues with accuracy (such as stepping on the scale twice within a minute or so and having it be 5+ lbs difference).  And so I thought I would ask my readers if anyone has a digital scale they've found to be a good purchase?  I'm definitely looking for recommendations, and would love to hear your opinions!

Enough

First, as I went to post this I realized that I seemed to have lost a follower after my post last night which has to be the oddest thing ever.  Call me perplexed as to what I possibly could have said to offend someone!  But anyhoo, onto the real post!

I have had enough.  This relationship has gone on too long.  In fact, I think it might possibly qualify as abusive and yet I kept going back.  But enough is enough.  I'm over it, through, fini.  

I threw my scale in the trash today.  

Honestly, we were never the best of friends.  When I liked the numbers I didn't trust it, and when I didn't I felt so low.  I kept saying that I needed to focus on how my clothes fit and for the past 6 months I've done mainly that.  But I realized the other day that even though my clothes fit well, and I felt okay beforehand, after deciding to weigh myself I was nearly in tears.  Which sucks.  So today I made the decision to just throw it out.  

And no, I didn't donate it.  It was a cheap scale that has never been as accurate as the one at the gym, and honestly I didn't feel like contributing to someone else's low self-esteem.  I am sure there are people out there whose weight is a health risk and they need them, but for the most part I think scales should not be in homes.  They quickly become an obsession (I used to weigh myself every time I went in the bathroom.).  They are pretty much evil little self-esteem suckers.  

Have you ever considered throwing yours out?  What is stopping you?

Honest Moments

I have a hard time imaging myself thinner.  As long as I can remember I've been overweight, or felt overweight (which in your head is hard to distinguish a difference).  It is not what caused the eating disorder (that's a whole other bucket of worms).  In fact, the healthier I get in that sense, the smaller I get.  However I'm stuck resolutely at a size 12.  Once upon a time that was the size I wanted to be.  I thought surely it would feel right, still allowing me to have curves, yet not feeling "fat."  But now that I'm here (and have been for a year) I'm frustrated.  Because I can see in the mirror that my body is not where it should be, and yet most days I have no idea what to do about it.  Running only put on weight (muscle weight, but it caused my pants to feel tight in my legs).  And most days I don't think I eat an inordinate amount.  

But since G had put on a few pounds (he hasn't been running as much lately) and he knows that I've been feeling less than stellar lately we have been talking about it more.  My biggest downfall is the clean plate thing.  When you're a kid who's taught to "clean your plate" every where you go, it's a hard mentality to break.  I don't like wasting food, and at home it's easier because I can dole out what I need and put the rest away for leftovers (we eat a lot of leftovers in this house and love them).  But at restaurants I tend to eat everything.  It's not necessarily a lot, but it is more than I need.  Oversize portions have become a trend nearly everywhere, and sometimes I tell myself to relax and just eat.  Also the Indian buffet is easy since it's everything you could want.  I've been taking small portions of a lot, rather than limiting what I get on a day.  I need to remind myself that even if I don't eat something that day, I will surely be there again another.  Something we discussed in French class way back when was that you ate what was on your plate to avoid insulting the host.  However, they serve small portions.  So that is what I have been working on with G.  Eating small portions.  Tasting lots, eating less.  Knowing that one slice of mozzarella will be enough to satisfy my desire for it, that a little bit of cream goes a long way. 

I used to not be able to picture myself smaller than this.  But taking a good honest look at myself in the mirror or when dressing and I realize I not only can be, but I should be, smaller.  It's about being healthier.  It's also about feeling like you look good.  I look fine now, but there are days I don't feel so nice about myself at all.  I realize that's normal at any size.  But when I know I should be doing things differently it's hard to just pretend.  And I do believe I can do it.  I've been putting off buying certain essential wardrobe items (such as a leather jacket or more pricey lingerie) because I know that I can get smaller and don't want items I love to give me an excuse not to.  I've even been putting off getting a haircut, because my long hair can have so much done with it, and when I feel I've reached where I'm going I want options (though I am going to cut it a bit shorter, it's just too heavy right now).  

So here is the plan:

* Drink 8 cups of water a day (minimally)

* Limit wine and alcohol intake.  

* Eat small portions, enjoying rich foods in petite quantities.

* Only eat a slice or 2 of bread.

* Drink more tea.

* Eat at scheduled times, with only small healthy snacks in between.

* Never say no to a divine dessert or glass of champagne.  Just simply limit the amount.

I want this to be a lifestyle, and for the most part, I already do the above naturally.  I've even been able to keep myself from gorging on bread (oh how I love bread!) and for lunch I ate the 8 pieces of potatoes, savored them, but didn't go for more.  Currently I would kill for something to eat and am looking forward to having coffee with my husband once he gets home.  I'm making petite salmon croquettes for dinner (to eat with leftover potatoes) but only eating a couple small pieces and then putting the rest away for tomorrow.  My goal is to simply be at a place I am happy with by the time the new year rolls around.  I'm not setting a number as a specific goal.  Instead, happiness, the ability to go out with friends and not panic at the food, is my goal.  And shouldn't everyone strive for that?

Healthy Cooking

So, as a fan of The Biggest Loser I am "friends" with Jillian Michaels on facebook.  And apparently she's having some sort of healthy cruise.  She's asking for advice and wanted to know if anyone would be interested in healthy eating classes.  She got an overwhelming response (so far there are 74 comments and it was published 5 minutes ago).  All it has me doing is scratching my head.  Are there really people who do not understand how to cook healthy?  Seriously?  With all that the internet and google has to offer?  

So I'm thinking perhaps I should offer healthy eating classes, since what I seem to do naturally is perplexing to others.  I would guess the reality is they know it's not difficult, but it's also not what they're "craving" or it takes more time and they don't want to bother.  And I know that can come off as bitchy or sarcastic, but really, I'm being serious.  Healthy cooking is simple.  

My biggest advice is, if you don't know where it came from, you probably shouldn't eat it.  Some assume this is limiting, but the list of food categories to have on hand goes like this:

* Fruit

* Vegetables

* Fresh meat

* Seafood

* Grains and carbs (pasta, flour, oats, rice)

* Herbs and spices

* Salt

* Healthy fats and oils (olive oil, butter, hazelnut oil, sesame oil)

* Milk

* Yogurt

* Good cheese 

* Chocolate

* Sugar

* Beans

Now, understandably as much as I love Jillian, she and I have very different views on healthy foods.  I don't think butter, salt, sugar or cheese is the enemy unless we're talking about "I can't believe it's not butter", excessive salt usage, high fructose corn syrup, or highly processed cheese.  For cheese, my biggest rule of thumb is that if the ingredients list is more than 5 items, it's probably no good (unless you're eating a cheese that has lavender or coffee in it, but the cheese itself should have few ingredients).  

My maman thinks we eat healthy all the time, which with addictions to cheez-its is impossible (but their ingredient list is simple, so it could be worse....at least that's what I tell myself).  I also acknowledge that different people have different ideas of "healthy."  Probably because I don't think on it often.  I made pizza while my parents were here that had turkey kielbasa, onions, mushrooms, peppers and fresh mozzarella on a thin crust.  My maman saw it as healthy (she really liked it) whereas I just thought "tasty pizza that reminds me of Strada back home."  I made quiche, which I don't think qualifies as healthy with it's 12 pieces of bacon, cheese, eggs, and cream in a lard crust.  But I don't classify it as unhealthy either (the key is smaller portions).  

G and I have played around with the idea of doing cooking videos to post here and on youtube.  I'm surprisingly camera shy (my own voice on film freaks me out), but he thinks it might be fun.  And after hearing the outcry of people who think cooking healthy is complex, maybe I should?  What do you think?

Stronger

It's the little goals that please me.  I ran a mile and a half today.  First I ran a quarter mile, then walked a quarter mile, then ran a quarter mile, and then walked less than a quarter mile because I got bored.  That's when I really wanted to jump and shout because I ran a half mile without stopping, then showed G, got a drink of water and ran what I thought would be another quarter mile but quickly turned into a half mile because I didn't want to stop.  I kept muttering to myself as I ran "You can do this. You can do this." over and over.  It was my mantra, and I did indeed do it!  Hopefully this will keep my motivation up to run more often since I've slacked since coming back home.


The posting has been lighter lately.  I'm sorry, we're crazy busy, have a lot going on and I constantly feel like I am barely taking a breath before we're off doing something else.  I will admit it's been nice to get away from the computer.  Our house is a disaster as we turn it upside down, clean out, decide what to donate.  I've joked that I could qualify for hoarders.  I swear I have an addiction for things I think I need (such as vintage mixing bowls), but rarely do (the mixing bowls do not fall into this category because I really can go through half a dozen when I do big meals.....which let's face it is pretty durn often).  So we're cleaning out the crap, and hoping to streamline the house to make it more efficient.  


Furniture projects are taking so much longer than my patience wants to put up with.  The humidity here is making the paint simply take forever to dry.  Which means for now our tea trolley bar cart is it's original stain because I like my bar and don't want to give it up simply to wait to see paint dry.  


So here I sit, indulging in a glass of port and getting ready for a guilty pleasure (one of the housewife shows).  I've worked on my writing, ran a mile and a half, and worked on a couple secret projects all in one day.  Life has surprised me with its goodness lately, and I cannot wait to see what else is in store!

Dior

I have had a love affair with Dior since I was a little girl.  My grandmama had me watch the film "Mrs. 'Arris goes to Paris" with Angela Lansbury and I fell in love with Christian Dior's silhouettes.  Stunning, ladylike, perfection.  I wanted to be married in a vintage Dior dress and though that didn't pan out I'm still holding out hope for some vintage dresses someday.  In fact, when others as me what size I am wanting to be my flippant answer is, "Small enough to fit into Mr. Dior's dresses."

So of course when looking at coffee table books for our home (as well as a few for our bedside tables) I gravitate towards fashion, specifically Dior.  Some of them are pricey, but for something I've loved for so long, well worth it.

  

Are you a fan of coffee table books for your guests (and yourself) to peruse?  Too much hassle to worry about?  Or perhaps you have a favorite?  (I am always taking suggestions for ones to consider).

Last week was..... interesting.  My brother graduated high school, I saw my niece take half steps, and I learned to shoot a rifle well enough to beat my husband.  There were some not so great moments as well, but such is life.

But coming home, even arriving at 2:30 a.m. after a nearly 22 hour drive I just felt able to release a breath I didn't realize I was holding.  My home.  It's a disaster with furniture sprinkled throughout like a madmen was there and I cannot just decide on a paint color for fear of hating it once it's done.  But it's ours.  It's not our forever home, but it's our first home we chose and the openness of it just calms me in a way I hadn't realized before.  

Garret's back at work, I'm on bedrest because my tailbone is killing me after all the time on my butt last week.  Today I had a dental appointment from hell.  I usually actually zone out during dental appointments but between the receptionist and the dentist I won't be going back to this particular one.  But I'm sitting at the diner sipping coffee, reading Bergdorf Blondes for a quick read, and trying to muster up the motivation to go to the gym and run a few miles.  I know I'll be glad I did it once it's done, but the idea of it is exhausting.  However I have a few items of clothing in my closet calling my name, telling me to tone up for the love of God.  

Which brings me to another point.  I think that thinking, "Once I'm "this" size I'll do "this"." is horribly unhealthy.  I avoid it because I think it keeps me sane to live in the moment.  However, I am also extremely rational and don't like the idea of wasting money on exquisite clothing when I'm still losing weight.  Does anyone else have an item or two of clothing that they are dreaming of owning someday for whatever reason?  I have a post coming up this evening about my dream piece de resistance for my closet!

Preparing

Well, earlier this week over my morning coffee I was looking at dates and realized Oh My God, my birthday is on Sunday.  I mean, I seriously forgot (life has been a wee bit busy lately).  I've been thinking that the reason I forgot is that it matters so little to me.  I mean, it's nice to have a day that you can claim as "yours" but life goes on, and sometimes other things take priority.  


But I decided yesterday that this year is my year.  That there are some things I want to accomplish before I turn 27.  So as I go about making my list I'm preparing for my birthday.  Tonight through Saturday night I will be doing the leek soup thing from French Women Don't Get Fat.  It's a good way to make me feel all good and light (and who doesn't want to feel all light on their birthday?).  And since my major goal for this year of my life is to get down to the ideal weight for my height (ranging from 136-150) I figure it will be a nice jumpstart.  


So G is picking up leeks and a lemon for me tonight.  And we already have tentative plans for the weekend, so things are looking fantastic.  This year is the year, but more on that later.


Oh, and if anyone wants to get me Mireille Guiliano new book the French Women Don't Get Fat Cookbook for my birthday, feel free.  I'm looking forward to more recipes!  


*EDIT*  I just decided screw it.  Seriously, I've lost 70 lbs without trying just by eating like I do.  I need to step it up and go running more and work on toning up, but I've made a major decision.  I like me.  I like how I look (with the exception of rare off days)  I'm not killing myself for even 2 days just to start eating the way I already eat.  Craziness.  Oh, and I'm starving so that might have something to do with it.  And wanting pate and wine at Clementines.  It biases me, I admit.  


The leeks will be cooked and I am sure I will eat them (and G will too if I'll share).  But I'm going to eat regular food too.  In nice healthy proportions.  

Sunny Outlook

Yesterday was hard.  It started out like this photo, sunny, smiling, relaxed.  But, as many days have lately, it turned difficult quickly.  G and I are working on making our marriage a priority, asking ourselves "what can I do today to show the other I love them?"  Watching The Biggest Loser last night and watching Abby talk about her family, (she lost her husband, 5 year old daughter, and 1 month old son in a horrible car accident) reminded me that this life is not promised to me forever, it could be taken from me in a blink of an eye.  I need to tell the people I love that I love them.  I need to also love myself.  


I had G dig the scale out from the bathroom box last night.  I was ready.  I knew that my clothes were beginning to cause problems, that my hips seem to have disappeared (and shall not return until I whittle the waist down more) some of my favorite clothes are just too big.  So he pulled it out and weighed himself, making sure everything was working right.  I was nervous.  What if the scale didn't show what I was seeing in the mirror?  Would I care?  Would it be disappointing?  


Well color me surprised when I looked down and realized I don't even quite weigh 5 lbs more than G!  That I am officially more than 70 lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest, which was 4 years ago.  I am 45 lbs lighter than I was a year and a half ago!  That gave me the boost I needed.  I did a happy dance.  I am looking great, but it's more than that.  I am feeling great.  I did this, by telling myself not to throw up, by allowing myself to not get too full (it's easy, I eat about half of what G eats when we're out and that's my limit), by choosing to say no to certain foods that I know make me feel icky.  And by doing those changes, not only have I lost weight, but I'm healthier.  My heart is happy, because it's healthier.  


And I've noticed that I used to hate dresses and skirts, and lately you cannot get me out of them.  I am enjoying showing off my figure with more feminine touches.  I'm also enjoying my chest being smaller so I can wear v-necks without feeling indecent.  I'm leaning towards more modest, feminine clothing, and this makes it much easier.  


Now to tone.  Picking up the Shred (yes, I know I procrastinate, there have been more urgent errands that needed to be run first), and we'll see.  In the end, I don't really care.  I'm not doing this to look hot.  I'm doing this to be happy and healthy, to never again be ashamed of how I look.  And it's so crazy to me that simple changes have done it.  I weigh less now than I did when I met G at 13!!!


Have any of you been working on yourselves?  And ladies who mentioned they wanted to health up too, and were interested in the Shred, I will be keeping you posted.  

Time Flies

We close on the house in 2 days (fingers crossed).  I'm anxious as all get out because it feels like there is still so much left to do!  Today I am just going to try and breathe and let G deal with everything, because if I try to help I might have a break down.  


It seems like just the other day we were getting into the US from England.  Wow.  It's been over 2 months now.  And there is good, and there is bad.  It's been an adjustment.  We took a leap of faith and jumped into the housing market, not blindly (we did do almost a year of research on buying a home, and eventually our particular possible markets), but kind of crazily.  We still feel a little overwhelmed, worried something is going to go wrong because holy crap we're still young, what on earth are we thinking?!?  And then I breathe and realize that this will work out.  We will be fine.  I just need to take a deep breath and trust, in me, in G, in this life.


And once we get moved into the house I'm going to be in my own personal bootcamp.  I'm going to be making our house a home, but also making me different.  I plan on starting the 30 Day Shred (let me know if you've tried it and what you've thought!).  I want to tone my arms up.  I will also be getting back into a stretching and warm up routine that will limber me back up.  I used to be crazy flexible just a few years ago, but stopped my stretching and can feel a difference.  And with the hardwood floors in our house I can also break out my old ballet shoes and get a cardio and stretching workout in when I feel the need to dance.  Which I am sure will be often, since I have never been one to turn down twirling around.....I've even done it in our tiny hotel room.  


I will also be getting my eating back on track.  Not that I've been eating crazy unhealthy, but damn are the portion sizes here overwhelming.  I've been grateful to small, local restaurants that serve normal portions.  But I will be stepping it up since it's soup season, and my pots and pans and all my knives and such will be here on Friday!!!  We will also be exploring what seafood is really available around here (other than the obvious crab).  


Change is in the air.  Our life here in the US is beginning (fact, G and I got married, honeymooned, he lived with me at my parents house for about a week and then moved to England without me for 2 months....so we've never technically lived together here in the US!).  Opportunities have been made to us, and we both feel like we're on the edge of a cliff just waiting to jump and fly.  But that also means it's time I took me seriously, time I gave myself a chance.


Because once I started losing the weight, it was weird.  People noticed, I felt subconscious since it was often brought up, and I almost wanted to crawl back into my overweight shell and hide.  It's comfortable there you know.  But then I thought, this is crazy!  If people are not okay with me losing weight, that's their own issues.  I cannot continue to let other people's issues affect me and my health.  I cannot stay overweight simply because it makes someone else feel more comfortable.  That doesn't work for me.


So here I am, changing before my own eyes.  It's a weird thing to look in the mirror and see a difference.  My boobs are smaller.  I mean, come on, they've never been affected no matter if my weight went up a lot or down a lot.  But now they are, and I really don't mind.  In fact if they want to slide down into the next size down I would be perfectly fine with that.  I don't notice the other changes as much until something stops fitting, or something that used to be tight is suddenly loose.  I've already spoken about not weighing myself.


I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of my past.  I'm afraid of what will happen as I go along, and of what will get said in the future.  But mostly I'm afraid of not trying.  Of my family history of heart disease causing me to have a heart attack at 40 (because let's face it, the eating disorder hasn't exactly been kind to my ticker).  I'm afraid of waking up one day and wondering why I wasn't brave enough for me, for my husband, for our future children.  


If anyone wants to join in to become healthier, in any way, whether it be weight loss, quitting smoking, working out, even needing to gain some weight and you want someone to cheer you on, let me know.  I've come to realize how important people being on your side is.  But mainly remember, you have to choose you, to be on your own side.  You are worth your future.  It's sounds crazy cheesy, but the reality is that life is too short to screw around with your health.  

Healthy Option

So, I can admit it. I've gained approx. 5 lbs dealing with the stess of this move. So I've dictated no more junk food all the time. Hence why we've been eating a ton of things like chicken tacos with homemade black bean and salsa. In fact, I loved the black beans and corn so much that I came up with this quick simple meal.

I baked 4 Tilapia filets seasoned with cumin and cayenne pepper at 350F for approx. 30 minutes. While those were cooking I chopped up some red onions and sauteed them in a small amount of olive oil over medium heat. I took 2 cans of black beans and about a pound of corn (we used frozen corn kernels) and put them in a pot to heat up. When everything was done, the plating was easy.....simply put the beans and corn on the plate, lay the tilapia filets on top and sprinkle the cooked red onion over it.

Voila! Fantastically tasty little meal.

And bonus points, because we had quite a lot of beans and corn left over so whenever we got munchy we would eat a small portion of it.

Thin?

My biggest rant lately has been this: every time I see acquaintances out (most recently at our next door neighbor's birthday party) I have these women gasping over me and telling me I am getting so tiny.

(This is the night of the party, and this was one of the better pics. Others tended to show more of a belly, but for accuracy of the way they saw me I chose this one.)

The thing is, I'm not tiny, not in the least bit (I will explain that in a sec), so I am not sure whether to be offended or not. On one hand, obviously it's great that others think I look great. On the other hand, it kind of makes you feel like you looked huge and horrible before. I had put on weight after getting married I was not even close to being at my heaviest. So while yes, I've lost a decent amount since my highest here, it shouldn't be so awe-inspiring. It's kind of been a blow for me, and hard for me to comprehend.

(this is an outfit I recently wore because it's sweltering here and I needed something cool.)

You see, I'll be blatantly honest here. I am still a size 14 and staying strong at between 174 and 176 lbs. Now, I will admit all of my size 14's fit either perfectly or loose and I have plans to go down to a 12 (which of course I am hella excited about because quite frankly I cannot ever remember being this size). But I don't think I even come close to being "tiny." In fact, on a bad day I still feel huge. I think sometimes I let the numbers get to me, because I know on good days that I am looking pretty damn good.

Yesterday G and I were out and about and I bought a yellow cardigan on clearance for I think 8 dollars. I like the color yellow, but because of my skin, I tend to avoid it since the wrong yellow can really make me look bad. But this is a beautiful yellow, so I bought it. And when we got home I threw on a tulip dress that I pulled up into a tunic and threw on the cardigan to show G. He took a pic for me so I could see what I looked like (excuse my dead look, I needed to shower because it's humid like no other over here and I was exhausted).

The thing is, in this picture I look smaller than I imagine I look. ( in fact I was kind of shocked by the way I look in the pic, but G assures me it's pretty damn accurate) But I know I've also learned how to stand to look my best, so this is not the most accurate depiction of myself. So while I look vastly smaller, I'm not really. And I do wonder what these girls thought of me before if they went on for a bit about how thin I look. I can admit I do carry my weight well, I lose it and gain it evenly over my entire body. But this sort of "thin praise" can actually leave a person with a sour taste in their mouth.

Do I want to be smaller? Of course I do. My end goal is to be at a healthy normal weight for my height and structure, which is somewhere between 145-155. So I'm 20-30 lbs away and want to get there within the next couple of years. G wants to have kids somewhere in there, so chances are I will have to fight to lose baby weight to get there, but I will get there. I think I look good now, the end goal is more about being healthy and being able to live longer. I've been doing push-ups (something I am embarrassed about since I used to knock them out like no other and now if I can do 10-15 in a row I am ecstatic!). I've been attempting to run. And we tend to eat healthy.

Okay, gotten off track. I guess what I am wondering is if I'm the only one who finds it somewhat offensive when a group of acquaintances gush over how great you are looking, in a way that makes you feel you were a troll before? Am I over reacting? I handled it graciously, I think, but inside I was all sorts of feeling confused.

Up In The Air

In 2 months we'll be back in our hometown visiting family and friends. Two months. Kinda freaks me out, if I'm honest. It's been over a year since I've seen my mom, almost a year since I've seen my baby brother, and over 2 years since I or Garret have seen anyone else. Which makes it where things are going to be crazy busy when we do go home. We have family and friends to see (listen up people, if you have any events you want us at, let me know....I am gonna make a schedule for us!), a car to buy (we're thinking of getting a Honda Civic.....anyone have an opinion on them?), stuff to pack up, dogs to deal with. It's going to be a roller coaster, the time will fly by I am sure.

Two months and my life is going to change dramatically. We're desperately hoping for a day job (and plan on fighting for one if at first it's shift work). We'll find out in August if G has made Staff Sergeant. We'll be moving from sheep country to a bigger city (which I am whoa thrilled about!). And we'll be eventually starting our family.

Which is where we are at now. Stuck. Trying to decide when the best time for us to start a family would be. We both want a baby now, but there are a lot of factors playing into our decision. My weight loss is one. I kinda plateaued, and now am working harder to lose more and be healthier (if I could only quit making yummy french bread, that would help). And I am loving being able to run again.

We've also been told about all the amazing things there are to do in Baltimore, and how much fun we are going to have. Which leaves us with the question, will we be able to do all those fun things with a baby? If we lived near family we would be able to work out some nights to have them babysit so we could go out. But moving to a new city, having to start over with new friends, I think unless we really hit it off with some people, I might be too terrified to leave the baby with anyone. New mom thing I guess.

The problem is it's breaking both our hearts. It's a huge decision, and both sides have appeal. G works a crazy schedule which oftentimes leaves us exhausted or running errands when he is home, so as much as the blog constitutes our outings, we've lost a little bit of the romantic time together. We were looking forward to having a more normal schedule to plan some things like taking a cooking class together. On the other hand, we're as ready as we'll ever be to start our family and move from the 2 of us to a little family of 3. And if G doesn't become a Daddy in the next year and a half I think I will seriously have to watch that he doesn't try to adopt a child on the sly and bring them home like a lost puppy. Seriously, he's a sucker for babies!

So that's what's going on here in our household. So many emotions. Excitement, confusion, anxiousness, and hope. Yes, we're looking to the future with hope.