Friday, September 18, 2009

Because He Lets Me

My husband rocks for so many reasons.  It's been really hard coming up with some that aren't too personal.  But then this morning I thought, why am I holding back?  I have mild anonymity here, and even for those who know me, I would rather be loved despite the truth rather than loved for a lie.  So here goes.

My husband rocks because we found each other right after the point when I had hit rock bottom.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  And who I was turning into was someone I hated.  My grades had slipped so badly I couldn't admit it, simply because I no longer cared.  I was in and out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who I wanted to be better than he was.  Maybe someday I will be able to talk about that more, I'm not quite ready to go there. 

I was drinking.  A lot.  Yes, I was in college, so nobody really thought it was that unusual.  I wasn't even close to being an alcoholic, but I for sure was using whiskey to kill the pain.  My eating disorder was raging out of control, as my weight went up and up.  I hated to look in the mirror, not just because I'm vain, but because I was having a damn hard time looking into my own eyes.  And yes, there were moments when I seriously began to undervalue my own life.  When I wished there was a way to no longer feel.  

And then I said enough.  I began to pick up the pieces of my life.  I kicked the asshole to the curb, told him that I needed to take care of me.  I lost weight (35 lbs in a few months).  I was working 2 jobs to pay the bills, and trying to figure out if I wanted to finish school right then or not.  Everyone around me began to breathe, began to hope that the old Kalee was back.  And outwardly I was.  I smiled, I bubbled like champagne.  

But I wasn't okay.  And to be honest, it took a long time until I was, far longer than G should have had to put up with it.  I was broken.  I felt dirty, ashamed of what my life had become.  But I was fighting for me.  And G and I had begun talking on the phone a lot more than we had in years.  When we finally got together I got scared.  What if I screwed it up? What if I was too broken?  What if he didn't see me the same way as he always had now that he knew the person I had been the last year?

But G just loved me, no matter what I said or did.  No matter how many times I tested the waters to see if there was anything I could say or do that would make him not love me.  He was just there.  The scary part was he knows my heart and soul.  He knows my failures, my dark sides.  He knows what makes me laugh, he knows the look of panic in my eyes when I feel trapped.  Most of all, even now, even after 2 years of marriage when I'm re-evaluating who I am, he knows who I am, and let's me be myself.  He is willing to go on the journey with me, rather than just watching to see where I end up.  And because I know he's there I trust me enough to let me be myself.

What brought this train of thought on was the stupid cave man commercial with the 3 Doors Down song Let Me Be Myself.  I went to look up the rest of the song, and it just hit me.

"I guess I just got lost
being someone else.
I tried to kill the pain, 
but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind
somewhere along the way.
hoping to come back around
to find myself someday."

G is the quiet hero in my life.  Even when I think I might possibly hate him, when things happen and shit gets said that's hurtful and I worry we can't move past because you can't take it back (who doesn't have those moments?). Even then he's like my own superman.  Not because he saved me, but because he helped me to save myself.  And for every moment he loves me at my ugliest I only love him more.  


  1. I like this! And, thats a great picture of the man. Can't wait to come visit one of these days!

  2. Your husband sounds great but it's really you who sounds most fabulous for conquering all your demons!

  3. That seriously moved me. So well said and honest. Lucky girl, lucky boy! :)

  4. I know exactly what you mean about meeting your husband when you had hit rock bottom. That's when I met mine as well. And I distinctly remember my response when he first told me he loved me. I said "You can't love me I'm too neurotic!". That was almost 15 years ago!!!

  5. Lydia, thanks! I'll tell G and he'll get a big head for a bit!

    WendB-- thank you.

    Bobbi Janay-- I remind myself of that all the time, so this post was good on a day when I was so exhausted!

    Jenn--thank you. I am indeed very lucky.

    Jacran--I had known him from before, but that's when I really found him as a man. You sound a lot like me though! I would tell G he couldn't possibly love me, I had too many quirks that would drive him nuts. Congrats on being so lovable for almost 15 years! I am sure he loves you more now than he did then, neuroses and all! (this gives me hop, lol)