Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It's 4:44 a.m.

My husband is sitting/lying on the couch next to me.  He's been ill all night, something we've never experienced before.  He hasn't had the flu since he was a senior in high school.  It's the time of day when all is silent, still.  The niece is downstairs sleeping, Grandmama is dreaming away, and my parents I think are finally asleep (although they aren't feeling well either).  I'm wide awake.  For once it's not from a lack of sleep but rather I curled up with G at about 8 because he wanted me to, and fell asleep.  I got 7 1/2 hours and now it's the wrong time of day to be awake.  It happens.

It was my mother's birthday yesterday.  She's always like a kid on her birthday, wanting her gifts right away, nearly clapping with the excitement.  I'll have to post photos of everything later as my camera battery has died and the charger was the first on the list of "things we probably shouldn't have forgotten."  I took her out to lunch for Mexican.  As usual it was unfortunate that my brother was the topic of the day.  He's a jerk, and to my knowledge didn't call my mother to wish her a happy birthday.  Oh, nor did he call these 2 days to check in on his daughter.  He also got pissed that her mother called and wished my parents a merry Christmas from her and my niece, but didn't call him.  As my maman and I discussed, he didn't call his daughter on Christmas either.  

I need to vent, and if you don't want to read, don't.  I've tried really hard to not talk about this on here.  Mainly because I kept hoping he would change, turn out different.  Where did my little brother who would spend hours playing outdoor imaginary land games with me go?  Hell, where did the annoying brat from high school who loved to sing and wanted to teach go?  Instead I'm left with a sad impression of a formerly great person.  Instead I get to see his actions rip my family apart, with him accusing my maman of attempting to steal his daughter from him.  No dear, you're giving her away.  You don't call to check on her, you spent less than an hour with her on our "Christmas" with her, and we haven't seen or heard from you since.  Two days off and you chose to go with your girlfriend and her son rather than spend the time with your daughter.  It's sad.  I always assumed you would be a good father, instead you are an embarrassment.  A member of my family that I am trying to ignore.  You don't deserve her, and she never notices when you go.

My niece is a blessing from God.  I truly believe he made her so wonderful so that this whole thing would never taint her.  She doesn't notice when her father leaves.  And as a comparison, twice today when I walked away she started crying and wouldn't stop until I came back.  When she's here we focus on her.  She's going to be incredibly spoiled, but I am loving every second of it.  The first night she was here she woke up at 12:40 and didn't go back to sleep until 3:30.  We played for nearly 3 hours, making her fly through the air, singing to her.  We even e-mailed her father and my maman.  I enjoyed the sheer exhaustion of it all.  Of getting to drift back off to sleep curled up with her.  I wasn't irritated that I lost those hours of sleep, rather I was grateful to have had that time with her.  My brother is missing all these great moments and there will be no way to get them back if he ever wakes up from the land of selfishness.  

She's incredibly smart, watching everything we do.  After I made kiss-y noises at her I began to giggle when she immediately tried to imitate me.  In less than 10 minutes I taught her how to pucker up her lips and make a kiss.  Her favorite trick of the week has been fake coughing.  She was coughing (for real) and I imitated her.  Now it amuses her to have me cough after her, so we go back and forth until she's giggling.  She's learned to say "ta-da!"  and she thinks my husband is the biggest sucker in the world.  She knows he will hold her until his arms fall off, and she utilizes that knowledge to the best of her abilities.  She has no fear and takes of crawling to the edge of the bed, only to turn and roll the other way.  She jabbers incessantly and I'm working on getting her to say "bye bye."  My heart is so near bursting that I cannot imagine how my brother doesn't make her the number one thing.  She's so easy to love.  I should know, I was hoping I wouldn't even like her, now we spend most days pretending we're plotting a grand kidnapping scheme that involves the Swiss guard.  

She will not be tainted by this.  She will go untouched.  Her mother, my maman and I will make sure of it.  She will have all the things she is meant to have, mainly lots and lots of love.  And she will grow up never knowing all of this.  He'll have to answer to her someday, but only as a blank to be filled in.  Never because she wasn't loved enough.  We've got that part covered.


  1. I have never been able to understand parents that do that to their children. How can you not love them and want to be around them.

  2. This was a very emotional, and touching post. Thank you for sharing that with us all. :-)

  3. So sorry to hear that Kalee... I was hoping that having a baby would snap him out of it too. She's lucky to have all of you though! :)

  4. I'm glad the blog gives you a place to vent and share the feelings that are bothering you. I hope it comes together and works out. I agree with Laura above, your niece is very lucky to have you and G!