Honest Moments

I have a hard time imaging myself thinner.  As long as I can remember I've been overweight, or felt overweight (which in your head is hard to distinguish a difference).  It is not what caused the eating disorder (that's a whole other bucket of worms).  In fact, the healthier I get in that sense, the smaller I get.  However I'm stuck resolutely at a size 12.  Once upon a time that was the size I wanted to be.  I thought surely it would feel right, still allowing me to have curves, yet not feeling "fat."  But now that I'm here (and have been for a year) I'm frustrated.  Because I can see in the mirror that my body is not where it should be, and yet most days I have no idea what to do about it.  Running only put on weight (muscle weight, but it caused my pants to feel tight in my legs).  And most days I don't think I eat an inordinate amount.  

But since G had put on a few pounds (he hasn't been running as much lately) and he knows that I've been feeling less than stellar lately we have been talking about it more.  My biggest downfall is the clean plate thing.  When you're a kid who's taught to "clean your plate" every where you go, it's a hard mentality to break.  I don't like wasting food, and at home it's easier because I can dole out what I need and put the rest away for leftovers (we eat a lot of leftovers in this house and love them).  But at restaurants I tend to eat everything.  It's not necessarily a lot, but it is more than I need.  Oversize portions have become a trend nearly everywhere, and sometimes I tell myself to relax and just eat.  Also the Indian buffet is easy since it's everything you could want.  I've been taking small portions of a lot, rather than limiting what I get on a day.  I need to remind myself that even if I don't eat something that day, I will surely be there again another.  Something we discussed in French class way back when was that you ate what was on your plate to avoid insulting the host.  However, they serve small portions.  So that is what I have been working on with G.  Eating small portions.  Tasting lots, eating less.  Knowing that one slice of mozzarella will be enough to satisfy my desire for it, that a little bit of cream goes a long way. 

I used to not be able to picture myself smaller than this.  But taking a good honest look at myself in the mirror or when dressing and I realize I not only can be, but I should be, smaller.  It's about being healthier.  It's also about feeling like you look good.  I look fine now, but there are days I don't feel so nice about myself at all.  I realize that's normal at any size.  But when I know I should be doing things differently it's hard to just pretend.  And I do believe I can do it.  I've been putting off buying certain essential wardrobe items (such as a leather jacket or more pricey lingerie) because I know that I can get smaller and don't want items I love to give me an excuse not to.  I've even been putting off getting a haircut, because my long hair can have so much done with it, and when I feel I've reached where I'm going I want options (though I am going to cut it a bit shorter, it's just too heavy right now).  

So here is the plan:

* Drink 8 cups of water a day (minimally)

* Limit wine and alcohol intake.  

* Eat small portions, enjoying rich foods in petite quantities.

* Only eat a slice or 2 of bread.

* Drink more tea.

* Eat at scheduled times, with only small healthy snacks in between.

* Never say no to a divine dessert or glass of champagne.  Just simply limit the amount.

I want this to be a lifestyle, and for the most part, I already do the above naturally.  I've even been able to keep myself from gorging on bread (oh how I love bread!) and for lunch I ate the 8 pieces of potatoes, savored them, but didn't go for more.  Currently I would kill for something to eat and am looking forward to having coffee with my husband once he gets home.  I'm making petite salmon croquettes for dinner (to eat with leftover potatoes) but only eating a couple small pieces and then putting the rest away for tomorrow.  My goal is to simply be at a place I am happy with by the time the new year rolls around.  I'm not setting a number as a specific goal.  Instead, happiness, the ability to go out with friends and not panic at the food, is my goal.  And shouldn't everyone strive for that?