Authenticity

Over a early evening espresso G and I had a long discussion about why on earth I am not meant to be a farm wife.  It included words like "silk" and "tufted upholstery" and "Hermes," "Chanel," and "Louboutins."  Basically, I like my nice things, and when trying to decorate a home, in a way that wouldn't seem off in a future farm house (I'm a plan ahead sort of gal, since I like things that last), I was nearly pulling my hair out.  But that's a whole other ballgame (a topic I am nearly finished posting about on the home blog).  One thing I said clearly was "If I put together a soft, comfy white house with vintage things I would never feel at home, because I'm the tailored little black dress."  Basically, I am beginning to be stronger in my sense of self, the thing I wanted most to stick to when I began this blog, and a farm wife is not me.  (Though land and a garden is....so an estate seems more apt.)

I still plan to learn to can/preserve.....well, jam and pickles maybe.  Basically anything that I can't screw up too much.  And I want to learn to sew....so that I can tailor down some of my own clothing I can't bear to part with that no longer fits.  I'll learn to knit, because it's easy for me, and I'm practical about the whole wool socks thing.  But I don't have to do everything just because I can.  It's a lesson that has taken me years to figure out.  I am not bragging when I assert that pretty much anything I'd like to do, I tend to pick up quickly (this includes my education....the reason I still can't quite make up my mind what to finish up).  I am proud of the cooking skills I have....a few years ago I relied on boxed goods with flair.  I didn't really know how to cook much (nothing from scratch for sure) until I married G.  So basically I tend to feel guilty if I know I could do something that would save us time and money but don't.  

However, that is utterly ridiculous.  I am not Julia Child.....canning in pearls only leaves you pearls that are gross.  I enjoy baking and cooking, it brings me pleasure.  But oh if you only knew the long list of pressures I was putting on myself about learning to do this or that.  Sure it would be nice to have the ability, but most things would be a chore for me.  And life is too short to do things out of obligation if it's unnecessary.  I love brie, but I'll leave the making of it to the professionals.  Just because I can do something doesn't mean I should.

There are so many changes going on right now, in the sense that I'm becoming more and more politely outspoken about who I am.  I've worried people will accuse me of turning into a completely different person.  But G hit the nail on the head tonight when he said that I wasn't changing, it's who I've always quietly been, I'm simply standing up for my right to be who I am more.  Some people may balk at it, but those who know me and love me will be there at the end of this.  

It has been so good to voice some things aloud to G, simply because he can hold me accountable.  For instance, I prefer to shop with him because if I hold up something that isn't *me* he'll say something.  The more often this goes on, the less I need the advice (though I enjoy shopping with him).  I'm learning to hear myself in my head saying "cute, but no."  And after tonight I had to laugh.  I was talking about not being cut out to farm and he said "Yeah, I was thinking today that as much fun as it sounds, I think we might end up hating it in the end."  Better we spoke about it now rather than regret it later surrounded by chickens!