Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I Wish

I wish I was....prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, more social, less talkative, a better housewife.  

I wish....that I didn't speak to myself like that.  

I have been so hard on myself lately.  And consequently I've been b.o.t.y. (bitch of the year) to G.  I am my own worst enemy, and my self-confidence is too often a facade.  But enough.  Enough whining about it.  Enough speaking to myself that way.  

I am an excellent cook.  I can bake up a storm.  I am funny as hell when I feel comfortable enough around you to be my sarcastic, witty self.  And I'm slowly reaching the rest of my goals in reference to my health and social life.  I'm learning to break outside the norm.  I had lunch with a friend the other day, one of the most fascinating people I've met since moving to Baltimore.  And it doesn't matter that she's older than my parents, she has more joie de vivre than I have seen in anyone ever.  We went to a Greek restaurant that was delicious, and I cannot wait to do lunch with her again.  I have so much to learn from a woman like this!

I've come to some hard conclusions this past month.  I've fought tears.  I've broken down and let it out.  I've looked at myself and been honest with myself.  And I'm moving on.  We're getting rid of so many things in our home that are unnecessary and it's been cleansing to just deal with the fact that I hide behind things.  That I hold onto too much.  That what I really need would fit inside our little car, and includes 3 breathing mammals.  

I've considered legally changing my name only to realize that perhaps that should wait until I've decided whether or not I'm looking to change my name because I don't like my name (which I don't really, but eh) or more because I'm trying to change myself.  Changing my name won't instantly make me a person I like, and though it's still in the realm of possibilities it's on the back burner for now.

I've had to admit some things to myself that I don't like.  I've had to say to myself it's okay to still be mad about some things, but that cannot dictate my relationship with people.  I've had to admit that I can be as much of a control freak as any other person I know and that that quality is killing me (literally).  

And all of this without a therapist....I really should have my own reality show.  :)

My wish for all of my readers, those I know, those I hope to meet, and those who read and don't comment is to really love yourself.  To face things you've done and forgive yourself for things you feel guilt over.  To not speak to yourself in a negative way.  To treat yourself as you treat those you most love.  Wouldn't this be such a better world if we all aspired to this?


  1. Love this post Kalee. Every single one of us is so hard on ourselves and it probably is rather counterproductive. Imagine if we talked to a loved one the way we speak to ourselves?

    I will remember this. Merci.

  2. Thank you for such an honest, thought provoking post. It sounds like you've done a lot of work facing issues that are uncomfortable and have come out a better person for facing them. It's not easy to do. Your last paragraph is one that I'm going to keep forever in my own little "file" because it's so powerful and true. Thank you for writing this!

    And I'm rather excited about your new friend / mentor!

  3. "You are amazing, your family is amazing, and the way you choose to live is amazing." A very smart woman posted that on my facebook page :) When you know this about yourself you are able to face the things within that you dont like, and that are hard. Also my dad once told me when you share you joys they become greater and when you share your sorrows they become less. Dont be afraid to share whats hard with the ones you love.

  4. Thank you for your thoughts and your wish for all of us. I'm a reader who hasn't commented before but today's post was so sincere and so true. I don't know why we speak to ourselves so negatively but I think all women probably do. (I really doubt that men are as guilty of "negative speak".) We say things to ourselves that we would NEVER say to others. It's hard for us to be our own best friends but we need to be reminded to keep trying. Merci!

  5. Fiona, exactly, we would never speak so harshly to a loved one. (well, generally.)

    Stephanie, Me too! She was talking about how she tries to eat a small lunch, since her job requires her to sit at a desk all day and so she doesn't need as much energy. Made perfect sense!

    Katie, Thank you. I know that sometimes I can be super supportive of others and then forget to do the same for myself. And I love your dad's quote!

    Charlene, Thank you for commenting! I think we as women would be surprised how hard guys are on themselves. What sparked this post was when I realized how harsh my husband was being on himself, and he noted that he knows he may sound different, but he honestly thinks most guys are more like women in how they worry about their weight and such than they will ever let on. I was shocked at his skinny butt worrying about a pound of two of weight occasionally (we had been discussing it after watching a t.v. show).

    The show we were watching had a therapy session and the doctor asked them to bring a pic of themselves from childhood, because the things they were saying to themselves they would never, ever say to a child. It really hit home for me!


  6. Why is it hardest to give grace to ourselves? Why is it hardest to forgive ourselves? Why are we always so much harder on ourselves than anyone else? Certainly doesn't make life any easier or happier, only harder. But hard habits to break.

    The way I talk to myself? I would find it unacceptable if I spoke to someone else that way. Or if someone spoke to me that way. Great post, thanks for making me think. And as always - good for you for working so hard on you.