One Month

*I wrote this on the 1st.  I sat on it for a few days because though I have a tendency to curse like a sailor at times in real life (though I've noticed lately it's lessened a lot) I don't usually on this blog.  But since the last sentence really is where I'm at right now, I suppose it's about time I posted.  (There's really only one *bad* word so for those who find profanity distasteful no worries.)

One month left until 2011.  Crazy, right?  This year has been an interesting one for me as I find my way in showing the world who I am, avoiding stereotypes and boxes that people seem quick to want to shove me in.  I find it amusing that so many people I meet seem to think of me as cheerful and bubbly.  G would agree that I'm a little more dark and twisty than that when I'm not trying to be polite.  I can be sweet as honey or as poisonous as a viper depending on the situation, and I think both are incredibly important sides to me.  For too long I've been careful to be whatever was needed at the time rather than myself.  And in doing so I've done a disservice to myself and to those who know me.  I let very few people in far enough to get to know me, in fact I can count perhaps two.  I think it's out of self preservation, that desire to not stand out too much, to not draw attention to oneself. 

But that mindset has gotten me nowhere but unhappy more often than I care to admit.  And when I'm me, the real me, bitch side and all, G says he loves me all the more.  He loves how alive I seem to be, even at the cost of a bit of a cold side.  And on those days we're free.  We go to bistros and museums and I look at the world with a critical eye and don't apologize for seeking beauty.  I eat in a way that is the healthiest I ever am, ordering what seems tantalizing and choosing to not eat it all, not overfilling myself.  I don't count calories in my head on those days, nor feel the need to apologize for delighting in a good meal.  On those days I love going and trying on $3000 dollar dresses and twirling.  On those days we lie in bed reading the news together or great novels and stopping as something comes to us that we absolutely must share right that second.  On those days I laugh hard until my stomach aches and my dimpled cheeks burn and I revel in the silliness of simple things.  We live, and we don't look backwards and we don't worry about tomorrow.

It has taken years, and I'm still growing, but I feel like my life is finally coming together.  That I'm finally learning that it's okay to be selfish and self absorbed sometimes.  That I cannot always think of others, because it drains the life out of me and makes me a worse person for my husband.  And also when to bite my tongue, when to draw back from striking out verbally.  When to just give G a damn break.  And in turn I've discovered a person who bit by bit is trying to come into his own and I love him all the more for it.  Last night I came downstairs, immersed in a phone conversation when I noticed deep purple carnations sitting on our bar.  He wasn't going to mention them, just wait until I found them.  I had walked past them several times before I noticed.  And I am learning to delight in the joy of those surprises rather than needing to control everything.  

2011 is gearing up to be a fascinating year for me.  One I am both delighted in the prospect of and fearing because of the fact that some times people have a hard time accepting someone for who they are if it's different than the person they've always assumed them to be, or rather wanted them to be.  But I have faith that those who truly love me will love me no matter what.  And those who don't?  Well, I guess I just can't afford to really give a damn anymore.