Friday, February 11, 2011

Fails To Come Across

I think what may be the most shocking thing about me, especially for people I've met through blogging, is that once I relax a bit, I can be slightly outrageous (or so I'm told).  I can be sarcastic and/or shocking.  I have admitted I'm working on not cursing like a sailor (though I can contain it if I try real hard).  But some of the things that come out of my mouth....

For instance, yesterday G had an appointment for some paperwork to be signed off on for approval for his deployment.  The woman noted that we had had marriage counseling this year.  Then she and he discussed me briefly.  Once she discovered that I had neither job nor family out here and that we'd only been here a little over a year she nearly refused to sign the paperwork.  And while I will miss my husband dearly, this deployment is important for us for many reasons, and him not going is not an option.  It was a decision we made together, he volunteered and his butt is indeed getting on that plane.

So my suggestions to him as to what he could have said went as follows:

Me: "Tell her I'm going back to work for the CIA and that you're more worried I'll be injured than lonely.  Oh, and that they won't tell you what happened."

G: "Well, I briefly considered telling her you were an escort and wouldn't be lonely at all."

Moi: "An escort is illegal, so let's not go there with a person who could report that.  Plus then we might have to deal with the IRS and taxes.  No, you should have told her that you weren't worried about me in the least.  That we're polyamorous and my two boyfriends will make sure I'm fine."

G: "Yes, that's legal.  That would totally work.  And I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be much she could do to my deployment then."

Me: "Yes, just mention that their families consider me like family.  Oh, but don't make her think there might be a chance I'd run off with one of them while you're gone.  Explain that we're Catholic and don't believe in divorce.  And mention that one is married and that while I'm tough as nails, his wife makes titanium look weak.  Oh, and that the other is a priest and very into his vocation and he surely isn't leaving the church anytime soon either.  And that he encourages us to maintain our marriage.  I'm not going anywhere.  I mean, I did choose you."


Moi:  "But then she'll probably start to worry that you have another girlfriend who might be lonely.  So assure her that while I am polyamorous, you're not.  That I'm the love of your life, and you can't imagine being with anyone else.  But that you fully approve of the men I've chosen.  You know, so she doesn't think there's any jealousy or anything."

G: "She would have keeled over from all of that."

Moi: "Yeah, but you can't lie well.  I wish I had been there.  I'm good at the whole straight face thing."

G: "Too true."

....a bit later.....

Moi:  "Actually, even better.  Tell her I do have a job.  I'll sit there all ice cold and stare her down and tell her that while some may consider me kinky I can work her kinks out if she like. Gesture to spiked heels and a mini whip hanging from my bag.  I mean, dominatrix work is totally legal."

At this point G was laughing at the whole idea of it all.  Perhaps I've been watching too much t.v. lately.  Because I'm completely sure I could have pulled these conversations off.  Though in the end I would have told her I was completely joking.

Well, maybe.  If she was good.  :)


  1. Kalee, you are such a wit! When are we going to have news on a novel from you?! You have (and write) such good/funny conversations (even tho this one was almost too racy for an old girl like me!). Bess, who also was admonished for being too sarcastic in my younger years :o)

  2. Oh, I like your quick mind and sense of humor! Hope your weekend is wonderful, Sweetie! xo

  3. Now...I would have paid money to have been there and watched that entire conversation go down because I'm sure that her reaction to your humor would have been priceless. You are quite the actress...always have been!!!

    Love you bunches,

  4. Very fun. Your relationship sounds similar to mine. The man I was seeing before my DH told me that sarcasm isn't a quality trait and that I should tone it down if I wanted to be more ladylike.

    When I started dating my DH, he told me that my sarcasm was one of my most attractive qualities.

    Here's to men who get the joke!