Monday, February 28, 2011

Final Thoughts

I am not always sure of my beliefs when it comes to why we're here or my own purpose.  And while I believe heaven sounds like a beautiful place, I still have questions.  But I will say that I do believe in God, firmly.  I find that when I pray in an honest manner (not fancified) it feels like an electric current shuddering through me.  And that my worst moments in life are when I'm so stubborn as to think I can handle everything on my own.  My maman raised me to believe in prayer, but it's only recently that I really have. 

So while I do worry about G, worry about how we'll re-assimilate once he's home (we've heard it can be an adjustment), I have faith that God put us together long before we even realized who the other was.  He grew seeds of love in our hearts.  My trials and tribulations with the men I associated with before I decided to date G affirmed in my mind that though neither of us is perfect, we suit each other perfectly.  I had doubts about marrying a man who so firmly disbelieved in the God who I had trusted when I asked him out (I had many hesitations).  I had friends speak to me about yoking myself with a non-believer.  But I think that because I had my own questions, my own scientific doubts I felt I couldn't judge him for his.  We both promised compromise.  And then while engaged, unbeknown to me, G would get on his knees and pray during the hard moments.  And because he felt a peace, he slowly came of his own accord to believe in God even more firmly than I did. 

So yesterday I placed a family medal over his neck and as we left the house last night I grabbed the bottle of Holy water and I poured some into my left hand.  With my right I made the sign of the cross on him, on his forehead, on his heart.  The rest I sprinkled on him and his bags.  As we drove down the dark highway to an uncertain future I reminded him that if he finds he cannot stand, to simply hit his knees.  And he led us in a prayer at the airport, surrounded by people who do not share our beliefs. 

So I believe that whatever happens has been written long before I ever was created.  And that has brought me so much peace in these uncertain times.  I have the ability to stay positive because I know that no matter what it is not in my hands.  Faith is believing without reason, something I have struggled with my whole life, but something I aim for. 


  1. For me, faith is the belief in things unseen. I don't accept that it is believing in something contrary to reason, because that would be futile. It is important to remember, though, that metaphysics and science are not incompatible, but they are different and you cannot use one to define or refute the other.

    Prayer draws us closer to God (even when we have our doubts or are in complete doubt), but it is not a vehicle to make wish-lists. I'm looking forward to hearing how you and G will use this time to draw closer to God. And when your doubts about anything and everything are at their utmost, that really is the time to just lay it all out in prayer and have a conversation with our Maker.

    I don't have answers, but I've learned from 20 years of adulthood that peace comes very slowly, but steadily.

  2. Just found your blog through the Relevant tweets . Are you going? I am-I actually live in Harrisburg and just found out about it last week and took it as a sign from God that I'm supposed to go. Are you Catholic? I was afraid I would be the only one...

  3. I really enjoyed reading this post. Just so you know.