Final Thoughts

I am not always sure of my beliefs when it comes to why we're here or my own purpose.  And while I believe heaven sounds like a beautiful place, I still have questions.  But I will say that I do believe in God, firmly.  I find that when I pray in an honest manner (not fancified) it feels like an electric current shuddering through me.  And that my worst moments in life are when I'm so stubborn as to think I can handle everything on my own.  My maman raised me to believe in prayer, but it's only recently that I really have. 

So while I do worry about G, worry about how we'll re-assimilate once he's home (we've heard it can be an adjustment), I have faith that God put us together long before we even realized who the other was.  He grew seeds of love in our hearts.  My trials and tribulations with the men I associated with before I decided to date G affirmed in my mind that though neither of us is perfect, we suit each other perfectly.  I had doubts about marrying a man who so firmly disbelieved in the God who I had trusted when I asked him out (I had many hesitations).  I had friends speak to me about yoking myself with a non-believer.  But I think that because I had my own questions, my own scientific doubts I felt I couldn't judge him for his.  We both promised compromise.  And then while engaged, unbeknown to me, G would get on his knees and pray during the hard moments.  And because he felt a peace, he slowly came of his own accord to believe in God even more firmly than I did. 

So yesterday I placed a family medal over his neck and as we left the house last night I grabbed the bottle of Holy water and I poured some into my left hand.  With my right I made the sign of the cross on him, on his forehead, on his heart.  The rest I sprinkled on him and his bags.  As we drove down the dark highway to an uncertain future I reminded him that if he finds he cannot stand, to simply hit his knees.  And he led us in a prayer at the airport, surrounded by people who do not share our beliefs. 

So I believe that whatever happens has been written long before I ever was created.  And that has brought me so much peace in these uncertain times.  I have the ability to stay positive because I know that no matter what it is not in my hands.  Faith is believing without reason, something I have struggled with my whole life, but something I aim for.