Reason 363,480 I Am Gonna Miss This Boy

Moi:  "I worry that I dress too old.  I mean, I do have a grandma sweater.  And enough scarves that smell like my grandmama."

G: "Nah, you just dress classically elegant.  Most women our age don't.  That doesn't make you old."

*sigh*  I love this boy who is turning into a man.  I love that we both love the grey coming into each other person's hair.  I find his distinguished and he thinks mine is kind of sexy.  He likes to watch me age.  He listens to me bemoan tiny wrinkles.  He doesn't judge as I contemplate botox.  Nor does he ever encourage me to look any different than I do right in whatever moment I'm in.  As I fret about my weight or my grey hairs he grabs my face and tells me I am beautiful.  And no matter what I think I know it must be true because he believes it.

We may not be a perfect love.  From the outside looking in we may come across as a confusing mess.  But no matter where the road may lead I have always known that this is a Great Love.  The kind so many I know are searching for.  The kind where affirmation comes from knowing you are with someone who thinks you hang the moon.....and will remind you when you're acting a fool.  The kind where even as young as we are, we can anticipate the others' thoughts and moods.  We finish each others' sentences.  We laugh because one has said what the other was thinking in such an exact way as to be eerie, and call exactly as the other was picking up the phone.  I will often grab my phone to make sure it's close only a minute before it rings and it's him and that moment is perfection.  Bubbly laughing and knowledge of a person that is rare in this life.  He is the witness to my life and I am his.  And though it may seem confusing it's a pretzel and a reflection because he is my life, so while watching me he is witnessing his own self reflected back.

I have written so many posts about my feelings on him leaving.  In the dark hours of the morning when I am sad.  Before I curl up on his chest and whisper, "Please don't leave me."  Before we discuss running away to Canada, with G always pointing out that they now would extradite us.  "Oh, not if we lived so far north that not even the Canadians would go there," I respond.  I write the posts and I save them as a testament to these moments.  Where the fear is alive, and the heartbreak is painfully real.  G mentioned yesterday that I seem so relatively calm, and I responded "yes, until it's dark and the darkness seeps in."

I will miss him in a way where I am sure I will feel lost.  As long as I keep busy and moving I will be able to breathe.  But the dark of night scares me.  The moments where I can't sleep and there is no one to awaken for a 3 a.m. game of 20 questions.  So as strong as I may seem during the day hours, when life is light and full of color, please know, I am not cold, I am not as okay as it may seem.  But because this is a Great Love, I will live.