Things I Want You To Hear

Dear G,

I'm writing you a letter on my blog because hey, you check it every day and why not?  And I figure this is about as public as it gets without taking an ad out in the newspaper.  And you don't get our newspaper right now. 

I am counting down the days until you're home.  I don't post it here because of security, so the countdown is limited to me texting the hell out of a small group of people.  I try not to get too annoying, but I need other people to tell me it's real.  I get worried sometimes that something will happen between now and then and you won't come home and I freak out a bit.

I've learned one huge thing this deployment: I never, ever want to do one of these again.  I think back to all the years we wasted before we got it together and dated, and so 6 months doesn't seem that long, but life just isn't right without you.  You're the only person who knows all the good and all the bad about me and chooses to keep loving me anyway, even when I don't think I deserve it.  So when you're gone I'm less than my normal self.  Good days aren't as good, and bad days are worse.

I started crying while watching The Proposal (while doing all the dishes!) tonight.  Not even at a sappy moment.  It was the point in the movie where they're singing some old hip hop song and giggling and it made me ache so much I just started sobbing.  Those little moments I used to take for granted more often than I care to admit.  You're really one of the funniest people I know, in a sneaky way that so few people are lucky enough to see.  And yes, skype's great, and we've had moments where you've had me laughing til I couldn't breathe, but it's not the same. 

I hated doing dishes tonight.  It's your job.  I love watching you do them, your hands scrubbing things til they shine.  The ability to come up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist and lay my head on that spot between your shoulders.  It's something I have always been able to count on you to do, and I appreciate it so much. 

You are an amazing man.  Sometimes I get caught up in all the mess of life and forget that.  I'm going to try and take more notice of you and the things you do for us.  I've felt under-appreciated, but can now see that so often you must have too, and for that I'm sorry.  You deserve to be seen for the good more than the bad.

Just ___ days!  I can't wait to be held by you again.  And to hold hands with you as we walk.  And to laugh and dance in the kitchen and chase each other through the house.  (Maybe we'll play it safe and stick to one level and avoid the stairs though.)

I love you,
Kate