And my heart and body is weary. I cleaned (like, deep, deep cleaned) the bathroom because it needed it bad. And I've worked on dishes and I just keep trying to move because moving helps me stay sane. Nora spent Saturday screaming on and off because she was so, so tired but fought sleep all day until she finally crashed around 6 p.m., woke up at 9 just long enough to take tea with us (or demand we fly her around outside while we drank tea), and then she crashed again and slept til 8 in the morning. So I'm weary. And feeling so small and trapped in this madness.
But G? He has stayed calm. He's the rock who just rides my waves of anger and sadness as I adjust to this life I'm not sure fits me. He takes Nora when she's crying and he will try and calm her down, get her to sleep and just give me a moment to breathe.
He is a phenomenal father.
He has eagerly jumped into washing diapers, doing laundry, changing diapers, feeding her (now that she's eating some solids), playing with her, reading to her and cuddling with her. He tells me he's not ready for her to leave our bed because he likes waking up and seeing the two of us there, curled up and content.
There have been moments I've had to lie Nora down and walk away because I'm beyond frustrated with her tired crying. And he's there, telling me it will be okay, admitting his own frustrations, and reminding me that walking away is why I'm a good mother.
So Happy Father's Day to the man who is known as "the guy who wears the baby." Thank you for giving me Nora, and for loving her as fiercely as I do. Not every child is so lucky.
Happy be-lated Father's Day to Garret! He looks great carrying and loving Nora. Also, he's blessed to be Nora's daddy!!!
ReplyDeleteHave just read your post. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I found the first year of my son's birth just so terribly hard. I felt like I was not who I was anymore- I felt like I was no longer me... an independent woman. Although I love my son more than anything, I felt so lost, alone and confused. I also had a supportive husband, but I felt totally alone.
ReplyDeleteMy son will be 2 next week, and I feel like the last few months I have really found my stride as a parent. I have found that this is a new part of the real me, and that I am myself again. If you know what I mean- i am not explaining it very welll, but I feel like I am whole again. I never went to the doctors to talk about mild pnd, but I feel like I did have it... hardly surprising as I have suffered very badly from depression in my time. But I am out of the fog now.
All you need to do, is to nurture yourself as well. Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself of what a great wife, mother, person you are. You really ARE great. And even though it sounds like a platitude, it all really does get easier.
Hugs and love... Solange from the UK
Ping, thank you! He does indeed love being her daddy.
ReplyDeleteSolange, thank you. It's so easy as a mother to feel alone and to judge yourself harshly. I'm learning that this is just a different season. Not bad, just different.