I've been doing a lot of this...snuggling with E.
After I wrote that last post, it felt good. The words were in my voice, the one in my head that is calm and confident and tends to think in spoken word. Which makes sense when I share that I used to write poetry, hundreds of poems, and somehow I convinced myself that my words weren't good enough and I just quit. Well, not thinking and just allowing the words to flow through the tips of my fingers felt amazing.
The whole thing caused me to be quite introspective. Realizing that I'm learning that I will never fit a mold someone else wants to squeeze me into actually makes me feel like I can breathe. Maybe it's the whole not being squeezed into anything.
That peace has brought about change. Motivation. I'm in smaller jeans, and I honestly didn't give a shit except it was nice to wear pants (more on that later). We're still overhauling the house (3 floors and a basement full of things that we don't need so it's been slow going). But that post spurred us to move more quickly (even on G's wonky schedule), and bit by bit things are looking better. Clearing out one area motivates us onto another. And I'm hopeful that by fall even the dreaded basement will be mostly cleared out.
Even more, last weekend a friend and I went out for coffee and book shopping and then she said, "Is your house where you'll let me in?" I laughed, said it was a mess, but to come in anyway. It was freeing. I need to stop aiming to have everything perfect. Our house does look like a landmine went off, and there are boxes and totes everywhere as we go through things and donate or put away. But it is what it is, and I'm done apologizing for a temporary mess.
Which led to this week me just saying no to things. No, I can't be somewhere because our schedule sucks. No, I can't make it because I need to take care of me and me needs a nap. No, I won't feel guilty for the way I feel. These things may seem small, but they are revolutionary. I even managed to tell someone kindly but firmly something they didn't want to hear, and I didn't apologize for it because I didn't need to.
So here I am, 29 and finally feeling like I can breathe and stop apologizing for everything in life and take care of myself a bit. It seems circular. The more I take care of me, the more motivated I feel about the house, which leads to me feeling great about me and my I don't give a shit attitude.
There it is. Slight profanity, but profound thoughts for me.