Split Personality

I want to be authentic, to be real with myself and others. I want to be a good person, to help others, to do what God put me here to do.

And yet....I'm also vain. Terribly sometimes. Not the "I think I'm hot" vain, but the "I want to be hot, so I obsess" vain.

And why do I feel bad about that? Why do I feel like being authentic and being vain are polar opposites and cannot exist together? When the hell did it become bad to want to feel beautiful?

I just finished watching the pilot of The Beautiful Life. Eh, we'll see how the season goes.

But it got me thinking. I'm young, and starting out in a new city, and yet I feel trapped. As if all of a sudden I have to be grown-up. I'm an adult, but I hope I never feel like to be grown up I have to be too serious, too self-conscious, too selfless.

It's a fine line. It's a walk I'm still trying out, still balancing the book on my head. With so many obstacles, so much unwanted, unneeded advice. What's wrong with taking a leap and seeing where you land? How did these people get to a place where safe is the only right choice? Why did I start to listen to them?

I'm taking a step back. I'm looking in the mirror. And I'm trying to decide what kind of an adult it is I want to be. I'm not flat. I've got so many angles it makes mathematicians heads spin. And that's okay. I'm in no hurry to figure everything out.

Because, well, if tomorrow never comes then I want to be able to say I lived for today.