Friday, April 2, 2010

Preparing My Heart

Part of mine and G's problems have stemmed from the issue of children.  When to have them, can we have them, do we want them?  We've both been wishy washy before, wanting children one minute, but then changing our mind the next.  A good night out just the two of us tends to leave us wondering if we're ready to give up our selfishness just yet.  And I am a firm believer that you need to be ready for that.  I don't want to resent a child for a decision I make.  

We are currently preparing our home for the possibility of adopting.  There, I've said it.  Hence the fights about the house not being organized.  But honestly, part of the reason the house isn't close to done yet is because I was stalling.  I need to be sure before we move ahead with this.  I need to make sure I'm not going to bring a child in my home and then decide to back out.  I don't want to do that to a child.  

We're looking into the foster to adopt program.  It requires 27 hours of training for us, a home study, a fire inspection, and another inspection (basically to make sure we don't live in a filthy rat-infested hovel).  So I'm prepping.  I'm drawing up a fire escape plan of action.  We'll be buying enough fire extinguishers to have one on every level, a special one in the kitchen.  Ideas I had previously for my niece are now being modified for us.  I'm preparing our home.

But mostly I'm preparing my heart.  Preparing to fall in love again with a little person.  Preparing to change our life drastically.  Baby steps, people, baby steps.  I've always been the girl who was told I would make an amazing mother, but now, at the time in my life when it's a possibility, I'm nervous.  I don't want to be a bad mother, and yet I don't want to constantly be reaching for perfection either.  I am not perfect, but I do know how to love.  And as the song goes, "All you need is love."  


  1. Oh and it's so true. I love and adore my daughter. I am not a perfect Mommy - but I am hers. I try. I do what I think is best, when I learn better I do better. We figure it out together. And I like to think that we are perfect for each other.

    I love her fiercely and I hope that is always enough.

  2. Adopting from the foster care system is scary, but my heart aches for those children. You know we were headed down that path until we came back here. It's just not in the finances right now but my heart still wants to do it someday. If this is the path you choose, you will have my full support. You will learn things in the training classes that will break your heart, but it will also drive home the need for families for these children. And if you're still not sure when you complete the class, you can always provide respite care for foster families to kind of "test" the waters.
    I can't wait to be an aunt again and I will love any child that comes into your home, whether they are adopted or biological. Good luck and I can't wait to hear about this journey!

  3. It's hard and you do have to give up certain things but I think the rewards outweigh the bad parts and pretty soon much like a spouse, you can't imagine your life without them... even when it's a little rough at the moment!

  4. Your Aunt and I went through that also. What we figured is that if you wonder are you ready, you're not, but that was just us. We also started to take offense to the idea that not wanting to have children was an act of selfishness on our part. You guys will figure it out, just listen to yourselves.

  5. Honey I understand that feeling more then you will ever know. I would not trade Ian for anything, but I can tell you I was not ready to change my ways we he came along. It takes time and lots of preparing of your heart which still won't be ready until you hold the little one in your arms.

  6. Kalee I know you will be a wonderful mother. I had hailey young and I have no regrets about anything. I am so glad she was brought into my life. When you have a child the whole mother thing comes so natural. It was scary at first. I too was afraid of being a bad mother. I know for a fact when you finally have a child (pregnancy or adoption) you will be an amazing mother. I'm here if you ever need anything.