Heart Calling

I didn't know which blog to post about this on.  I'm sitting here and I'm crying a bit, watching a video of another family who found out that they are going to get to bring their two little girls home from Uganda soon.  These are tears of joy.  I'm passionate about adoption, it was laid on my heart as a little girl myself and was always a deciding factor in relationships.  G had never given it much thought, but once I mentioned it his heart lit up on fire like I've never seen.  We have no problem talking about why we feel God has called all of us to to take in the ones He's been watching over.

We had planned to begin an adoption in September.  Get the paperwork ball rolling, knowing it might be a while until we could raise the funds, until we could get it done.  We had said, "Not now" for so long as we kept hearing it call, that once we said "Yes, now is good" we were amused to find that suddenly we were pregnant.  Apparently God finds our decisions amusing.  I've told G that sometimes it feels like we had to say yes what He was wanting before He would say yes to us.

It's something we haven't talked about.  How to handle this conundrum.  The voice that says "I already have children for you planned" hasn't given instructions on how to move forward.  We know a new baby will be work so our adoption plans are halted and each family I hear about both lifts my heart and makes me wonder, "When will it be our time?" 

I'm hopeful that the answer may be in a year from now.  Financially it's tricky.  To afford the adoption means money from our house fund, which means it will take us longer to get into another house that will be bigger with more rooms for children.  We go back on forth about how many kids, not knowing if this will be our first and last biologically, but knowing that we feel there are at least two out there that He's already chosen for us. 

So I'm praying about it.  I'll whisper about it to Miss Escargot.  About how she is going to have siblings to love.  I explain that she may be our first but she may not be our oldest.  For we know not the plans He has for us.  And I'm trying to be okay with that for now.  So far, the surprises have all been good.

Falling

I am about to share a painful reality of my life.  I have put off talking about it to anyone for so many reasons, and just recently felt perhaps it was time to face it.  I spoke a bit to my best friend T about it when she was here, but still was in the "It's okay" mode.  But then I went to this amazing conference and it just hit me.  God met me there this weekend and hit me with it hard.  But the beauty is that in the end I felt relief as I collapsed in His arms.  

The reason that G and I do not have children is not that we do not want them.  We do.  Desperately.  No matter how many times I tell you that we are wanting to put them off, don't believe it.  The reality is that we are unsure if we will be able to have them without adoption.  The reality is that what I was wanting to put off was having to truly find out if I am incapable of it.  I thank God every day that since I was very little I have always known I would adopt.  It was a desire given to me from a young age, and it is the one light in the dark tunnel that I face any time I even think about starting a family. 

We have tried.  We didn't do anything to prevent it for a year.  There were normal months when it was clear it hadn't happened, and in the midst of an international move we were able to make excuses.  But then there were the couple times when I was exhausted.  When certain foods just looked wrong to me.  And then I'd be late.  And within a week or so I'd end up with excruciating cramps and (sorry, TMI) bleeding far worse than was normal, enough that once G actually got scared.  I was afraid to call it a miscarriage.  I felt unworthy of getting to use such a big word for something that at the time seemed such a small thing.  We never got the positive, the announcing it with excitement.  We got hope, and then got to watch as the hope slowly slid right through our fingers.  I had always joked that this baby thing would be a piece of cake, that I had "baby making hips." And yet suddenly I felt like a failure of a woman.  

In these dark hours I was unable to really talk to my husband.  And I got angry that he didn't bring it up.  I got angry that I felt I couldn't talk about it.  And I got angry, because I didn't even know what on earth I would say.  "I'm sorry"?  So instead we made excuses.  We were busy.  I'd been stressed.  And then as we began to socialize more we tried to convince ourselves that now simply wasn't a good time, and that we'd put it off longer.  That we were enjoying our freedom, and with big smiles would go out, socialize, snap photos of what a wonderful life we were leading.  Never mind that I often find my eyes trailing after a toddler as they walk or laughing at something a nearby child did. 

We often speak about adoption.  We even went to the introductory class for the foster to adopt program this summer.  Turns out we don't really know enough people in this area well enough that I would have them be a referral for me.  It hit me hard, I was so prepared to welcome a child into our home, and instead I got to welcome in sadness.  We've contacted a couple international adoption agencies.  With G deploying it's all basically inquiries for now, but next year we plan to begin stashing away cash in our Love and Grace account (the name we use for God's money....tithing, and also for the cost of an adoption, something we feel called to).  But we still did not speak about that big pink elephant in the room.

Well Friday I broke down.  I spoke about it briefly to a few people, something that normally would have been incredibly hard suddenly came like a river.  I attended a MOB (Mothers of Boys) meeting with my roomie just to listen to stories.  I explained to one of the leaders that I didn't have any yet, but that our hope is that within the next 2 years we want to adopt a little boy from Africa.  She told me, "Then you're already a mother of a boy".... I cried.  And when I won a coffee cozy, yes, my eyes got wide like a deer in the headlights, I felt guilty for winning, and eventually had to leave.  

I went back to my room, called my husband and let it flow out of me.  I cried hard enough that night that my eyes were swollen the next day (something I can't remember having happened for a decade).  I told him that it wasn't okay.  That I wasn't okay.  That I wanted a little boy who looked just like him, who told long exaggerated stories just like him.  And that not having that was not okay.  I told him I was tired of making excuses and saying that it was okay.  And he agreed.  We spoke like we hadn't been able to for over a year.  I had been trying to be strong, to never cry about it.  God was in that hotel room with me, allowing me to fall apart because it was what I needed. 

So what now?  Now we talk.  Now we make an appointment with a doctor to check me out.  Now we pray.  I didn't want to talk about it, because I know worse stories and I felt unworthy of my own heartache.  I felt it was so small compared to the troubles I know others have and  I didn't want pity.  But I will take prayers.  Not just that it will be possible, but for strength if it is not. 

Preparing My Heart

Part of mine and G's problems have stemmed from the issue of children.  When to have them, can we have them, do we want them?  We've both been wishy washy before, wanting children one minute, but then changing our mind the next.  A good night out just the two of us tends to leave us wondering if we're ready to give up our selfishness just yet.  And I am a firm believer that you need to be ready for that.  I don't want to resent a child for a decision I make.  


We are currently preparing our home for the possibility of adopting.  There, I've said it.  Hence the fights about the house not being organized.  But honestly, part of the reason the house isn't close to done yet is because I was stalling.  I need to be sure before we move ahead with this.  I need to make sure I'm not going to bring a child in my home and then decide to back out.  I don't want to do that to a child.  


We're looking into the foster to adopt program.  It requires 27 hours of training for us, a home study, a fire inspection, and another inspection (basically to make sure we don't live in a filthy rat-infested hovel).  So I'm prepping.  I'm drawing up a fire escape plan of action.  We'll be buying enough fire extinguishers to have one on every level, a special one in the kitchen.  Ideas I had previously for my niece are now being modified for us.  I'm preparing our home.


But mostly I'm preparing my heart.  Preparing to fall in love again with a little person.  Preparing to change our life drastically.  Baby steps, people, baby steps.  I've always been the girl who was told I would make an amazing mother, but now, at the time in my life when it's a possibility, I'm nervous.  I don't want to be a bad mother, and yet I don't want to constantly be reaching for perfection either.  I am not perfect, but I do know how to love.  And as the song goes, "All you need is love."  

Support That Is Easy

Last fall, Love brought home Clayton.  And he's amazing.  I often read her blog and then share things with my husband over coffee.  Like the time recently when he shared a cheese cube with his sister Bianca.  Small miracles people.  


G and I believe in families, no matter how they are made.  A post is coming up soon on this topic, more in depth.  But families can be a bit expensive to make, whether it's hospital bills or paperwork and red tape.  This fall Love was selling coffee cup cozies to help raise money for adoption fees, and I immediately jumped on that.  We put it on our ceramic travel mug, and I carried it all day yesterday.  I'm waiting for the moment when someone asks about it, because I want to talk about it.  How there are so many children without homes.  What people can do.  What I can do.  

So I snapped this pic while at Panera.  G loves this cozy (he mentioned it a time or two yesterday).  It makes the cup comfy, and he likes the image.  But mostly we like that it supported someone we think is awesome (and her awesome family of 7!).  

Here I was, just drinking my coffee.  I was checking blogs, and something slammed into me like a ton of bricks.  No more rambling, I am suddenly insanely focused on the screen in front of me.  Lovelyn just returned from Uganda.  Her beautiful family is in the process of adopting from there.  And while they feel called to adopt 2, so far they have found one little boy, Clayton, who they are hoping to bring home in November.  We are praying for their family that he comes home so soon.  What a thing to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

I have always known I was meant to adopt.  I have been playing at it since I was 4.  To me, a family is not just you give birth to, but those you choose, or who choose you.  I have never kept this from G, and in fact he's always been supportive.  But this past year, he's been as eager about it as I am.  We've gotten some weird looks when we talk about it, and generally nosiness about whether or not we can have our own.  As if adopting a child isn't the same.  As if they aren't "your own".  Well, we've never really tried, but as far as we know, yes the parts work, thanks for asking.  We're uncertain of when the time will be right for us.  There are so many ways to go about it, and we are deciding whether to adopt before trying for a pregnancy.  But it's there, and lately I have come across more and more reminders, little nudges on my heart.  And I'm listening God, I am.  With every little child out there who has no family of their own I see Your face, I hear what You have called upon me for.  Feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and love all those you meet.  

My heart goes out to this family.  They have 4 beautiful girls, and they are adding in a wonderful little boy who has cheeks that just induce the ache to pinch!  Seriously, go watch the video.  I love that she talks about how she was led to this boy, that her heart knows him.  I truly believe that God placed this boy on her heart long before she met him.  And her family will be so blessed by him.  

So, deep moment.  Now I will resume my too much coffee, lack of sleep rambling.  But please, do go watch the video, read about their journey.