Monday, October 25, 2010


I am about to share a painful reality of my life.  I have put off talking about it to anyone for so many reasons, and just recently felt perhaps it was time to face it.  I spoke a bit to my best friend T about it when she was here, but still was in the "It's okay" mode.  But then I went to this amazing conference and it just hit me.  God met me there this weekend and hit me with it hard.  But the beauty is that in the end I felt relief as I collapsed in His arms.  

The reason that G and I do not have children is not that we do not want them.  We do.  Desperately.  No matter how many times I tell you that we are wanting to put them off, don't believe it.  The reality is that we are unsure if we will be able to have them without adoption.  The reality is that what I was wanting to put off was having to truly find out if I am incapable of it.  I thank God every day that since I was very little I have always known I would adopt.  It was a desire given to me from a young age, and it is the one light in the dark tunnel that I face any time I even think about starting a family. 

We have tried.  We didn't do anything to prevent it for a year.  There were normal months when it was clear it hadn't happened, and in the midst of an international move we were able to make excuses.  But then there were the couple times when I was exhausted.  When certain foods just looked wrong to me.  And then I'd be late.  And within a week or so I'd end up with excruciating cramps and (sorry, TMI) bleeding far worse than was normal, enough that once G actually got scared.  I was afraid to call it a miscarriage.  I felt unworthy of getting to use such a big word for something that at the time seemed such a small thing.  We never got the positive, the announcing it with excitement.  We got hope, and then got to watch as the hope slowly slid right through our fingers.  I had always joked that this baby thing would be a piece of cake, that I had "baby making hips." And yet suddenly I felt like a failure of a woman.  
In these dark hours I was unable to really talk to my husband.  And I got angry that he didn't bring it up.  I got angry that I felt I couldn't talk about it.  And I got angry, because I didn't even know what on earth I would say.  "I'm sorry"?  So instead we made excuses.  We were busy.  I'd been stressed.  And then as we began to socialize more we tried to convince ourselves that now simply wasn't a good time, and that we'd put it off longer.  That we were enjoying our freedom, and with big smiles would go out, socialize, snap photos of what a wonderful life we were leading.  Never mind that I often find my eyes trailing after a toddler as they walk or laughing at something a nearby child did. 

We often speak about adoption.  We even went to the introductory class for the foster to adopt program this summer.  Turns out we don't really know enough people in this area well enough that I would have them be a referral for me.  It hit me hard, I was so prepared to welcome a child into our home, and instead I got to welcome in sadness.  We've contacted a couple international adoption agencies.  With G deploying it's all basically inquiries for now, but next year we plan to begin stashing away cash in our Love and Grace account (the name we use for God's money....tithing, and also for the cost of an adoption, something we feel called to).  But we still did not speak about that big pink elephant in the room.

Well Friday I broke down.  I spoke about it briefly to a few people, something that normally would have been incredibly hard suddenly came like a river.  I attended a MOB (Mothers of Boys) meeting with my roomie just to listen to stories.  I explained to one of the leaders that I didn't have any yet, but that our hope is that within the next 2 years we want to adopt a little boy from Africa.  She told me, "Then you're already a mother of a boy".... I cried.  And when I won a coffee cozy, yes, my eyes got wide like a deer in the headlights, I felt guilty for winning, and eventually had to leave.  

I went back to my room, called my husband and let it flow out of me.  I cried hard enough that night that my eyes were swollen the next day (something I can't remember having happened for a decade).  I told him that it wasn't okay.  That I wasn't okay.  That I wanted a little boy who looked just like him, who told long exaggerated stories just like him.  And that not having that was not okay.  I told him I was tired of making excuses and saying that it was okay.  And he agreed.  We spoke like we hadn't been able to for over a year.  I had been trying to be strong, to never cry about it.  God was in that hotel room with me, allowing me to fall apart because it was what I needed. 

So what now?  Now we talk.  Now we make an appointment with a doctor to check me out.  Now we pray.  I didn't want to talk about it, because I know worse stories and I felt unworthy of my own heartache.  I felt it was so small compared to the troubles I know others have and  I didn't want pity.  But I will take prayers.  Not just that it will be possible, but for strength if it is not. 


  1. You have my heartfelt prayers always. You are very brave and I know you are going to be a parent one day, and a magnificent one at that. Hugs.

  2. My dearest Kalee,

    Never underestimate the power of God. He knows us better than we know ourselves.

    I understand your feelings of wanting a child more than life itself...after dealing with, my beautiful daughter, was born, and what a blessing you are! Then God blessed us with your brothers too!

    Always remember that you are loved dearly, and can always call me if you need someone to your fears, your frustrations, your sadness...but also your joys and triumphs!

    I love you bunches and bunches...You are one of my blessings, that I thank God for everyday. And yes, you are ALWAYS in my prayers!

    Be blessed,

  3. Hello Kalee,

    My name is Jeanne and I am new to your blog [directed here from Eurochic et al;s blog]. May I offer my sincere prayers to you and your husband that you will have the family you desire? I, too, am trying to conceive and am praying for it to happen. It took my parents 5 years to concieve me, and my aunt and uncle 10 years (they now have 3 biological kids!) - you are right in turning to God and allowing God to comfort you. Sometimes all He needs is your invite. May you be blessed in all things, Jeanne.

  4. I have been pregnant 4 times, lost my first early on, but now have 3 great kids. It is such a deep heartbreak to go through a miscarriage.

    I will pray for you.

    You will be a Mom someday, God
    put that desire in your heart.

  5. ooh kalee my love! i know that in time it will happen for you and garret you guys are wonderful people and it takes time. I am happy that you are finally being open with garret. Go and take the time and talk to a doctor you may think that its you but what if its just time that you guys need.... look at debbi and randy it took them 4 years and 2 miscarriages to finally get pregnant, and guess what they got pregnant on vacation just like me and ant. maybe that is all you guys need is a good vacation to move things along. i will pray for you but i know deep down in my heart that you will get pregnant. You both were mint to be parents. If you ever need to talk i am always here for you.

  6. Dear Kalee,
    My prayers are with you and Garret. We've been married for eight years and couldn't get pregnant. Adoptions didn't go through or let say we didn't really persue it long enough. Was it a heartache to have our own, yes. God will give you strength that's for sure:)

  7. Keeping you and G in my prayers. Both for your future parenthood and for the deployment.

  8. Dearest Kalee,
    You sound just like a mother. Believe me.
    Love you,

  9. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and e-mails. I am truly blessed, and I appreciate all the kind thoughts and prayers more than I could ever express.

  10. Oh Kalee my love! I don't know if you know this, but I read your blog fairly regularly. It makes me feel connected to you when you are far away and it has been ages since I have seen your face and gotten a wonderful warm Kalee hug. Your last two posts, the one about the conference and then this one...well it made me want to do nothing more than shout PTL (in Tracy Leigh speak that translates to Praise The Lord)! I am so thankful for your heart. I literally have chills just thinking about how lucky any child in your life will be. Gosh I love you.
    Tracy Leigh

  11. Just want you to know I am hoping for the best for you and I know that whatever both of you choose, it will be the right thing. And if you do adopt, who's to say he won't grow up to tell rambling stories, and who's to say that you won't eventually also have a little one who looks like G, one day? Basically I think however you end up having a child (or children), is the right way. You know? It may not happen tomorrow, but you have force and determination and I do not doubt that one day sooner or later you will have what you both desperately want. Bon courage.

  12. Oh my, Kalee... you've been a busy blogger! I had to read 5 posts to catch up. They were all good and I love how you are opening up.

    I was so sad for you - processing all of that at Relevant. I think God was clearly opening this conversation up with you for a reason. I think this new season is a very good thing.

    We'll talk more later but I'm so glad you are blogging on this topic.

    LOVE YOU!!!

  13. I am praying for you. What a tough process you have had so far. Praying you find the solution for your family.

  14. hi kalee. i found your blog by chance this evening. my husband and i also found out that conceiving might be difficult for us. i can relate to some of the things you said in your blog. i will be praying for your family.

    by the way, my husband and i just moved from maryland. we were stationed at andrews afb and i am now in texas, while my husband does a year-long in korea.

    i would love to talk more, sometime.

    take care.