Friday, September 25, 2009

Because He Scares Me

Another Friday, another post of why I love G, why he rocks.  And the title may seem a bit odd.  But, I love him because he scares me.  This has two parts.

First, he scares me by how much and how unconditionally he loves me.  It doesn't matter how much I screw up, or how horrible I can be when I'm mad, his first reaction is still to just grab me and hold me.  Sometimes that means I am physically trying to throw him off of me, but he just wraps up tighter, soothing me until I am either calm or crying, overwhelmed with everything.  He has always loved me this deeply, and it has always been frightening.  I've mentioned before there have been times he's loved me far more than I loved myself.  And because it has always been unconditional, it terrifies me.  I think sometimes I'd rather him say "I will always love you unless..." but that's not his way.  There is nothing I have done or could do that would be beyond his forgiveness.  

And he terrifies me because I watch way too much t.v., and I realized while watching Grey's today that quite frankly I don't think I could ever handle him dying.  We're plainly going to have to go out a la The Notebook, wrapped up together.  Because if something ever happened to him, I don't know what I would do.  

I didn't use to feel this way.  Even a year ago I thought, it would suck, but I would pick up the pieces and be okay.  But every day these past few months I may have days where I want to hate him, but I only fall in love with him more.  Whether he's being goofy like yesterday and singing along to every. single. damn. jingle. that came up on a commercial (along with dance moves, oh yes.) or he's being sweet and making sure the coffee pot is ready for the morning.  So quite honestly, I am slowly learning that I cannot live without his goofy morning grins, his quiet strength.  

Love does indeed come softly.  I can say that while I was in love with G when I married him, and loved him deeply, I wasn't this much in love with him.  I didn't even know how to love this deeply.  I didn't know it existed.  This type of love comes from taking a beating, picking itself up, and learning to love despite the disappointments. This strength of love requires seeing each other raw, for all the insecurities, scars, and faults and realizing there is still no one else you could imagine as your partner.  It's a scary precipice to be on, knowing life without that person would be vastly changed.  

So G rocks because he's changed, I've changed, and he's changed me. For better or worse. 


  1. The strange shifts can really do a number on ya. I'm glad he's getting one that will work out well for your family. We couldn't handle the constant shift changes, calling in the husband when he wasn't the on call etc... it's part of why he left the military.

    I hope you guys have many happy teafilled dinners together

  2. Shiftwork is horrible. And I found in England that him being a supervisor sucked more than when he wasn't one. He didn't really get called in when he wasn't supposed to (although I did take to screening our calls) but he also never got time off like everyone under him did. Because they didn't have normal weekends nor got any of the goal days, family days, holidays (they worked through every holiday) they were supposed to get 2 days a month off from when they normally worked.....only as a supervisor with a co-supervisor who liked to take leave and not mention it, G got screwed almost every month. There are days I wish he didn't want this career.