Me?

I was reading a post by an insanely good writer, Rebecca Woolf.  She's one of the few women who I read her stories and think, "I could do this, I could be a mom and not lose myself."  And I was leaving a comment, and I thought to myself, "Why do I do this?  Why do I leave comments so damn detailed and not just post about it?"  So I left a shorter comment and came here to write.


There are days I wake up screaming.  Not really aloud, but in my head.  Days when I think "Oh my God who the hell have I become?!?"  I'm 25, married, a housewife, and we're talking about babies.  Um, wtf?  I wasn't planning on getting married until I was 30.  I wanted to travel the world with my girlfriends, backpacking through Asia, drinking espresso in Italy, flirting with men worldwide.  I wanted a big career, and to date lots and lots of men, because damnit I get bored easily.  


There are days I panic, wishing I could have a re-do.  Wishing I could be the person I was before.  Feeling like I've changed and barely know myself.  Sometimes I feel....boring.  I'll be out with G and I'll see a group of college girls and think "holy shit, when did I get so old?"  (apparently I feel about 40, if you haven't caught on).  


But I'm really not that different.  I got married at 23 not because I was stupid and rushed into it (although at the time my friends thought I had lost it) but because I fell in love with my best friend, and even on days when I want a divorce (and there are plenty, believe me), I know he's it.  He's the one who gets me, and puts up with my bullshit.  He's the one who knows I flit about, not because I'm flaky but because I get bored so easily.  He told me the other day that he has always known this about me, I get very intensely into something, but once I've become too saturated with it, I have to just leave it.  He let's me lead in that respect, willingly stopping a show in the middle only to finish it months later.  And he is constantly changing, growing as he figures out the type of man he wants to be (and sometimes trying to be what I need, because he loves me and is pushing past his comfort zone of anti-sociality), so it's like dating different men, right?


I've traveled the globe.  I've seen countries I never even thought of seeing.  I fell in love with Turkey, and dream of going back there sometime soon.  I also have gotten G interested in seeing more, so we're currently planning a trip for the 2 of us (destination to be announced once we've worked it all out).  I missed having espresso in Rome, but enjoyed a Greek coffee in Athens and a Turkish Coffee in Turkey.  I've flirted with men all over, including guards in Egypt.  I don't get to travel all the time (don't we all wish we could?) but when I do, I jump into it, I live each moment as it comes, and have vibrant memories because of it.


I don't have a big career, other than being a wife (and let's face it, G should have fired me a while ago).  But I will be a mother (well, at some point), and that's a huge job.  And eventually, some day, once the little ones are in school I'm going back out there.  In the meantime, I write and work on figuring out what to be.  I told G the other night I was too old to be a doctor.  He looked at me like I was crazy and said no, and that I needed to just do it.  Hmm.  Does he want children any time in the next decade?  (the answer is yes, he wants them desperately, so I think the doctor thing will wait!)  


So, I'm still me.  Just a grown-up version.  Like Kalee 2.0!  I still want the same things, and I still dance in the street when I hear music playing.  I still get a rush when I realize men who are not my husband have their eyes following me (Panera is great for this, we even had a man recently move to a booth closer, much to G's annoyance).  It's just now I flirt, but don't take it seriously.  Now I travel the world, but know that someday it's going to be with a wee one in a sling (because we're the crazy people hoping to hit up Paris in the next two years, and no, we're not leaving the baby with a relative, we want them to see Paris too!).  I've not changed, just changed how my dreams will happen.  They will still happen, because no matter what, I'm still me.