So Soon...

I cannot believe that in less than 24 hours we will be headed on our way to Maryland. Seriously. I'm sitting at my grandmama's home, surrounded by things that need to be packed. Coffee is percolating on the stove. And I feel so drained. Exhausted.

I am excited and terrified of this move. Let's be honest, as much as I loved England, it wasn't the best time in my life. G and I fought because it sometimes felt like he was always gone and he had to break his clock watching habit. I had difficulties making any good, non-crazy friends. And I guess I have this deep worry that Maryland will be the same. I apologize for the posts lately being downers, and I hate to complain. I just feel overwhelmed with everything right now.

We've never taken a road trip. Never said, we have time, let's just drive and see what we see. But that's what we're doing. Due to a very unfortunate situation with the base not having rooms that you can have pets in (England did, and they didn't have anything, go figure) the dogs will be staying with my parents a wee bit longer. So we can stop at a diner, converse with a trucker about his travels and order a lot of coffee. We can drive on the side of the road and stand in awe at the sunrise. We can wave hello to the beginning of a new life for us.

So yes, I'm scared of the what ifs. But I am also dancing on the inside thrilled for a new start. I'm trying to stay positive and say we're not moving somewhere strange, we're moving home. Hope Maryland's ready for us!

If You Don't Like Foul Language....

This would be the time to leave. I's gonna get a bit neurotic (and apparently forget my language skillz!).

Fucking military fuckers. For 7 weeks (seven fucking weeks!) we have been trying to get them to get back to us about paying for the damage they did to our furniture 2 years ago. We turned everything in on time (barely) and waited. We would call, they would say the computers were down and to call back the next day. Which we did. Grrr. Only to be given another bullshit line about it.

Now they are saying that the shipment company is saying G signed something saying we accepted the shipment as is. NO WAY IN HELL. So we asked them to forward that miraculous paperwork. They said they would, but we'll hold our breaths til the cows come home if we think they will send a piece of paper that doesn't exist. So now we get to go chat up the first sgt when we get to MD, and complain. And if that doesn't do anything we go higher. And if I have to I will contact my lovely brother in law and see about getting this problem written up about in the paper, as well as calling our senator and a lawyer.

Yes, I'm pissed. Did I mention these jackasses did not wrap my antique furniture and that my great grandmother's desk had damage where they had shoved the chair in and it had completely beat up the drawer side? Oh, or that said chair has a chunk missing on the front because of it. Between the furniture and home goods they owed us about $1300. Thirteeen hundred! That I would have appreciated using to fix said furniture that they banged the hell up!

So I had a bit of a crying fit this morning and then I got mad. And I plan on staying mad. My experience with military life is that they fuck you every which way they can. And I'm done. Unless they can procure this magic piece of paper I'm getting my money to fix things. And if it takes me making a stink and calling an attorney I will. Because I am done with their bullshit. Done.

My biggest problem is that with everything else right now this was the last thing we needed right before moving. It makes me feel like things are tainted and that the fucking military is going to find some way to fuck us on everything else as well. I'm already nervous about moving some place where we have no home. The military has proved time and again that they don't take care of their people and they don't do what they say they will do. Everyone keeps saying welcome to military life. Well that's not good enough. Not when you damaged furniture to a point it will take a specialist to fix.

Rant over (for now).

Sometimes Coming Home Is The Hardest Thing Of All

There is a burden to being a daughter. Some daughters try so desperately to be like their mothers and oftentimes fall short. Others fight against being anything like their mother and either lose themselves or find it fruitless. I know this sounds pessimistic, but since most of it is the mind set of a person (feeling like you don't measure up often is) I feel okay with those statements. Some daughters end up like their mothers, some mothers get interested in more things through their daughters, and sometimes, well, sometimes you learn to love one another despite the difficulties and differences.

We have one week left here at home. Yesterday we went with a good friend of mine from high school to an Ethnic Festival (it was so good to eat food we've been missing these weeks!). Then we headed to a brewery where G found some root beer they make themselves that is made with sugars and molasses and even I, who does not normally like root beer, thought it was the best I had ever had. And then we headed to a debut fashion show of a local designer. It was campy, it was upscale gothic, and it was fantastic.

I am who I am. And yet, this morning I've been quieter, more inside myself. G keeps asking if something is wrong, but nothing is. It's just that I suddenly realized that I've changed. I am no longer the person I was 2 years ago, and more importantly, I don't want to be the person I was 2 years ago. I'm not even the person I was 6 months ago. Or 2 months ago. Simply put, I've changed, because I made the choice to. And it's a daily struggle.

I want to be the perfect housewife that my friends all think I am. And yet when they laugh as I am talking about how my house is oftentimes a mess too, and say they really don't believe me, I feel as if I've been projecting a lie. I struggle with how to be authentic, to let people know I am just as imperfect as they are, while going against my raising. In my household, the house was always clean for company. Was it always clean? No. But visitors often left with that impression. I've seen how trying to always be like that has left it hard for me to make friends in new places. If my house is not perfect I don't let people over. I don't know why, since I barely notice messes in others' homes, and usually only if they point it out. We so often judge ourselves 10 times harder than we would ever judge even a stranger.

I am Catholic. I believe in my husband being the head of the household. My parents laugh and say that Garret's allowed to say he's the head because I said it was okay. And I understand. I have often been headstrong, and even still I struggle to not try and always be the boss. But the reality is, G holds the veto power in this household for most things. He never abuses that, and it's a new thing we work on. But it's the way we like it. We pray at dinner. Yes, sometimes we get into a conversation before hand and begin eating before we pray. But if we catch ourselves we stop and pray then. It's how we do things. I used to be embarrassed to pray in public, because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But if someone at another table in a restaurant is uncomfortable with my praying, they need to focus on their own table.

It was suggested that I could work to help pay a mortgage. G and I both smiled, my mother thought we were laughing at her, but no, it's just I don't work. I enjoyed working before we get married, and I am sure I will again someday. But for now, we both prefer that I don't. I am working on my housewife skills, and someday we plan on having a child. My job will be those 2 things. And to me, no job in world could be as important. I think it's wonderful that other women choose to work, in many fields I prefer dealing with a woman over a man. But for us, it is not an option right now. We are good with our money, we would not take on a mortgage we couldn't cover, and we live within our small means.

I am told I am intimidating with my cooking, and others don't like to cook for me. But I am not a picky eater. We talk about the food we make, but we also do frozen pizzas and tuna helper. I have learned to cook because I enjoy it, and to live within our means it's a necessity. When we struggle the most to save is when we eat out more. So we cut back on that, and I like to cook meals that we can eat for more than one meal.

Once again, I have changed because it was necessary and I wanted to. I still have the values I was raised with. I try to be polite to everyone. I bring extras to friends when I've been baking. I am slowly learning to hold my tongue when I disagree politically (I said slowly). But I am different. And this trip home has been hard because it's so easy to revert back in an old setting. Coming full circle is that it's been hardest to stay true to the person I want to be when I am with my family. Something about being back at home makes one feel like an angst ridden teenager again. But this time, I'm all grown up.

If I am no longer the person some thought I was, I will not apologize. I do not always like the person I used to be, and am gladly waving goodbye to her. I like the person I am becoming. G supports the traits I am trying to pick up. And I feel I am becoming the woman God meant for me to be. I will never be perfect. And I aim to be authentic and make sure I don't try and project perfection. But that will not keep me from aiming to do well. I just hope that the people I love can love the person I am, rather than the person I was.

1940's Housewife?

So we are back down at my grandmama's home. As much as I love being with our families, I am glad for the break. And tomorrow I am seeing a friend, and we're all heading to a couple festivals, so I am hoping for a gorgeous day!

I was given a couple aprons the other night, along with some other linens, and told where to locate more. So of course the first thing I did last night was locate everything. I now have over a dozen half aprons, and my mother has a few more for me from when a family friend passed. I love looking at these things and imagining the great women who wore them. Some of my grandmama's things came from older relatives. Several of the table linens were my great grandmother's (she would write her name carefully on the underside). I have been ironing up a storm, pressing everything nice and neat (wearing an old kerchief to keep my hair back), and as I did so, I was lost in thought about my family.

We also located my grandmama's stove top perculator and made coffee. Too good! And I've washed the plates for the hostess sets, although I have yet to get to the cups. I cannot wait to do the type of enertaining my grandmama did when she was younger. She's always been involved in church and Eastern Star, so having ladies over was common. And she played bridge.....enough said.

I have felt better than I have in a long time. I have also had to come to some hard realizations. First, I can give my opinion, but I cannot change a person's actions. I love my parents very much, but this trip has made me question how often we will come home. G and I had already privately made some decisions about how often we will be coming home, but they may need to be re-evaluated. I have a brother who continually has messed up, at my parents expense of time and money, but they reach the end of their rope, say they are cutting him off (even asking G and I if we will help get some things from his apt), only to cool down, and give him another chance. We've been home 3 weeks and I have seen several cycles of this. Unfortunately I am of the old school of allowing someone to hit rock bottom and pick themselves up. I had to learn to survive on my own and am a better person for it, and feel strongly that he needs that hard knocks lesson.

Secondly, I really need to work on my housewife skills. I mean, seriously, I got LAZY over in England, with G pitching in more than I care to admit (yes, I understand that part of it was being down because of life over there). But since coming home I let him help when he insists, but generally send him off to watch a movie, or just have him sit and talk to me while I work. I want to run a tight ship in MD, so I am practicing now. Today while I ironed (and ironed, and ironed...) he watched To Catch a Thief with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly. He'd never seen it, so he watched and I glanced up as I worked.

Third, I've realized that the downside to being a responsible adult is that others tend to assume they can count on you to do things at a moment's notice. And if I am doing nothing I have no problem helping out, but this week I felt taken advantage of and my stress levels soared. If I am busy I will drop everything to help you if you need it, but if you call and simply assume I will, it angers me.

I also got to see my niece again yesterday for a short while, but will not see her again until Christmas time. My heart hurts for my darling niece. So yesterday I was determined to keep her laughing, swooping down over the puppies, blowing raspberries at her and snuggling with lots of kisses. I really wish her parents would grow up and put her first, but they both seem more concerned with themselves. Perhaps this is why God made her such a happy baby, to be able to weather this mess?

Now I am off to finish dishes, and prep the coffee for the morning. I am hoping to put pics up soon, our camera died and the battery is charging!

Mmmmmm....

Panera! Yummy goodness!

Okay, that is all. Feel free to go back to your regularly scheduled programming!

Proud Little Wife

I am a proud little wife today. G made Staff Sgt! For me this means once he actually gets the promotion it's more pay and more for housing. For him, it's more respect. Because there is nothing like being told you're the smartest person in the group, the one who people call when they have a question, but oh, because of rank you lose every time. So this morning I just calling him Staff Sgt (he won't actually get the rank tacked on until quite a bit later) and we would just lie in bed grinning.

Now we're headed off to eat lunch and then we are going to be staying at the Hilton tonight. It's where we had our wedding reception, and they give you a free nights stay for your first anniversary. Obviously we weren't even in the country, so they kept us on file for when we got back. It will be nice to get away from everyone and everything tonight to celebrate, and not have to worry about keeping everything perfectly tidy at my grandmama's home.

Oh, and we're narrowing down our home choices. Our top two we are really hoping to tour soon, maybe even a quick trip up to MD before September! (although 17 hours of driving is obviously no quick trip).

House Hunting Part 1

Well, G and I went ahead and got pre-approved for a home loan for MD. Absolute craziness. First we were told we couldn't get one, because while she could see that we would have enough for a mortgage, we didn't have any real recent credit. Of course we don't. First off, we've been in England for the past 2 (3 for G) years, where our payments over there don't show up on American reports. And secondly, we avoid using credit like the plague, because quite frankly, we like to stay out of debt. The mortgage lady suggested getting a credit card. Then turned us down. I was a little upset to say the least and had G call back and ask to speak to a manager. The manager basically called the lady an idiot, said we had enough credit, said he might need to talk to her, and then proceeded to spend a huge amount of time re-doing the application and giving us the approval.

So now I am looking at houses. I feel slightly obsessed until I realize we're moving. To Maryland. In less than 2 weeks. Eeek! So I am guessing I will get little sleep. The biggest adjustment has been looking at mortgages 2 times what the most we were willing to spend in Ohio (if we had only gotten there) would have been. Deep breath in. And out. Okay, moving on.

Now, here's the difficult part----we want the type of house that doesn't exist in our price range in the Baltimore area. We love the town/row homes that are in the actual city with all the old details (including the old horse hitching block out front of one), but they usually don't have much of a yard (if any). One has concrete in the back, and we've thought about looking into jackhammering it up and laying sod. I would love enough room for a small garden, but don't really want to be in the suburbs. Hmm.

I love the idea of city living. Of finding a local coffee shop and being a regular. Of pushing a baby in a nearby park in one of our prams. The pulse of a city. The rhythm. The liveliness of it all. But not too lively, I don't need any crackhouse busts or gunshots ringing in the night. :)

For those of you who own homes, what made you choose yours? For dreamers like myself, what is a must-have feature? Crazy for modern? Like small cottages? City apartments? Spill!

Learning

Being home has been an eye opening experience in my marriage. In England, G and I would fight, but once it was done, it was done, and no one really knew about it. Here, our disagreements are on display since usually we are not alone. And yes, it means there are other people there to laugh about it and tease us about how I'm yelling one minute and on his lap the next, or how he went from moody to pulling me on his lap. But it also means it's all embarrassingly on display. I think my family in particular finds it both amusing and annoying. And my grandmama is sure sick of seeing us kiss!

But that's how we are. Most people see us in cute mode only, because for the average person, they are only around us long enough to see that. But living around family? They get the whole gamut. I am mildly embarrassed to say it was only last week, when I was stressed about car financing, and feeling like it was all on my shoulders that I shouted to G as I stormed into the house (and in front of my grandmama and Daddy) that he could quote, "Get his shit and get out!"

Now, other married couples will generally attest to this happening occasionally. It natural when you are with someone as often as G and I are to grate on each other a bit. But it's made me more acutely aware of exactly how silly we sound when we're mad. It never lasts long, we're giggling and kissing in no time, with plenty of apologies. And now we have the added bonus of having family members tease us about it. We knew we would fight a lot here, because of the added stresses of cars/housing/moving, but also because we've been less alone in the 2 weeks we've been here than in the 2 years we have been married. When we wanted alone time, we could have it. It's a hard adjustment going from two people to too many!

But right now, he's asleep. I just finished True Blood a bit ago. And all I can think is, as much as he drives me crazy, I adore him. For the things like getting a new cell, and deciding that texting me "I love you. Love, Your Husband." with an attached picture of him.......from across the room was the best use of his time. Sometimes he's too cute, and I have to pinch myself. Cheesy or not, I never doubt how much he loves me.

What I've Been Up To

So, it's been 2 weeks since I got home. Whoa. Time flies. G and I were discussing how I haven't posted. I'm apparently a very bad blogger. Bad Kalee.

But I have been having quite the interesting time. We've balanced staying at my Grandmama's house with living at my parents house when we've had things to do. We've also been busy with each family, including a bbq at my house where G's parents came, although of course I forgot my damn camera!

I met my niece for the first time and fell in love! Seriously, I adore her, and I am happy to report that the feeling is mutual. She would reach out for me and I was the one who could get her to stop crying during the few times she was tired (normally she rarely fussed at all, a very happy baby!). I would tell her, "You're too pretty to cry, so quit it."

I also finally got my eyebrows waxed and cut my hair! Seriously, I was deliriously happy to have that done for the first time in 2 years! And with the better water here my hair is finally starting to get better. My stylist (who has been doing my hair since I was 10) was shocked and a bit freaked out by how thin my hair had gotten and even murmured about how much was falling out as she styled it. So let's cross our fingers that Maryland turns out to have decent water quality!

We also bought a new (to us anyways) car, signed up for a cell phone plan and are looking into houses. It's more than a tad bit overwhelming. But I do love the car. We bought an '08 Ford Fusion, and the best part is that the seats are dark so Sophie's hair won't show up all the time!

Yummy fruit that we foraged.

The mini horses that we fed apples to. Don't worry, they were wild trees sown from the seeds from trees on the farm.

"ALPACA!!!" I finally yelled this while outdoors and they looked at me. This was just one close up with a perplexed alpaca.

This is the phone booth Garret spent weeks in to call me from the UK before he got a phone.

Ready for take off! We got the seats with all the leg room!

My birthday cake my maman had made for the BBQ. Yum!

Me and my bestie, T. We finally had some great coffee talk!

Me with my niece, she ate and fell asleep. Hand blurry since I was rubbing her back.

New haircut, not the best pic, but eh. I had it cut with long layers to give more movement.

Took Cascone's pasta sauce (a KC institution----G and I had prom dinner there) and added cherry tomatoes from my parents garden, mushrooms, and onions.

Vintage dinner time. My grandmama's pink china, silver and crystal. I have the original receipts and luckily can find replacements for anything I need or extra pieces!

Garret and I had breakfast at Ray's Diner here in town. It's been here since 1932 and has delicious breakfast and lunches!

My outfit yesterday. I need new jeans but I'm kinda in between sizes!

Sophie and my mini dachshund Audrey passed out!

Back Of The Bus

We're sitting on the bus outside our hotel waiting to head to Heathrow. It's been a crazy week, and while we've talked about hitting up a museum or two, I think I might just take a nap and relax instead. We've planned a nice trip back sometime next year on the way to Paris, so I am positive we'll catch the museums more then!

Leaving now!